|If these were carnival prizes, would anyone play the knock-the-bottles-over game?|
How can anyone hope to avoid such mundane human experiences? Hire B.E.T.T.E.R. where we help you Buy Embarrassing Things Through Electronics Regularly but without the shame. At B.E.T.T.E.R., we empathize with the desire to never acknowledge any bodily functions yet still indulge in all of the products that make those bodily functions tolerable.
All employees of B.E.T.T.E.R. go through a patented process of shame and judgement removal. Not to give away our secrets, but it involves spending a week with my mother. Sure, you could buy your herpes cream from Amazon, but think of all the judgmental hands it goes through: the payment processor, the warehouse worker, the person mailing it to you, it's a chain of shame.
What's worse is that Amazon stores your purchase information. Say you buy one tube of Preparation H (it's for hemorrhoids, they're like poop blisters) now every time you go to Amazon, your "suggestions" page will be replete with anus creams. The "targeted advertisements" will involve anal care. Hope you don't let anyone else use your computer. Not with B.E.T.T.E.R., we don't store cookies or personal information. If you don't want us to even know your address, we'll meet you at night on a dark corner. We'll take instructions to leave the package on a park bench at noon wrapped in a newspaper if that's what you want.
|Well, they're really not burying the lead, are they?|
|Every cashier everywhere is like a 50's judgmental, disapproving mother.|
There you go, world, go ahead and make this a reality since I'm too lazy to be any sort of entrepreneur.