Monday, November 15, 2010

An Ode to Movember

Movember Love:
Give that Pickleope a Mint Julep.
Not just penis-brushes anymore, scientific studies have found mustaches to be an immense source of power. Direct from the Mustache Research Council’s published findings:
For evidence, simply look at the alluring persistence of Salvador Dali’s mustache. There are annual parties in several cities named “Dali’s Mustache Party.” Or look at daytime TV. Beyond Geraldo, Dr. Phil went so far as to try and upgrade his mustachioed power by spinning the wheel of mustaches to augment his daytime power. And of course, the Mario Brothers would probably be fixing some toilet instead of taking an LSD trip to pursue giant apes and turtles. Archeologists have discovered that Samson drew his power from his face furniture, not his mop-top. Further evidence:
·        Could Sonny Bono have become Senator without his mustache?
·        Would Mike Ditka be a Hall of Famer without his lip-caterpillar?
·        The Hulkster would not have been able to body-slam Andre the Giant, become World Champion, or date a woman who looks like his daughter without the might of his handle-bar!
·        Billy Dee Williams didn’t become ruler of Cloud City and international Colt 45 spokesman because of his Jheri curl.
Bow before those who have harnessed the power of the mustache.
The mustache is an attractant, like a timeless, non-malodorous Old Spice. It is a declaration of manhood to grow a mustache. It lets everyone know, “Hey, I probably have a penis. Could a woman not named Frida Kahlo grow one of these?” Though there are websites claiming certain women would look better with a mustache, they sadly wouldn’t be able to achieve the heights of naturally-occurring mustaches. It’s like a pair of testicles for your face…Wait, that doesn’t sound right. It’s like genitalia you can show off in public. There, that’s better.
             But with great mustache comes great grooming responsibility. Groom too tight and you become Hitler or John Waters. Let it fall into disrepair and you run the risk of becoming Stalin or Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen or Yosemite Sam (that’s right, let it grow too long and unkempt and you may end up being on a redneck’s mud flap or being seduced by a cross-dressing rabbit). Keep your mustache well-groomed and you may ascend to greatness!  Shave it, and it may cost you your career (e.g. Burt Reynolds…who is poised to make a comeback with his new Mustache Club, nope, not kidding.).
Researchers are finally harnessing the power of the mustache to combat cancer. To see how you can raise money by cultivating your own booger-catcher or to donate to the great causes they support, visit

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