Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hooray for Hanukkah (Chanukah? Eh, Ketchup Catsup, right?)

He's kosher! Right? High five? No? Sigh...

Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of…hmmm don’t have clay. Can you make a dreidel out of something else? Why yes! Dreidels can be made of Legos, origami, muffin, or pure opulence. So, have fun, spin, spin my penis-shorn friends! But remember, Hanukkah is an excuse to have fun and get tanked on leftover Passover wine.  This aint even the big holiday. Yom Kippur is where it’s at, and then the only celebration involves mental flagellation (boom, eat that rhyme Matisyahu you’ve just been served lyrical matzo). So have some Hanukkah hanoe (Yiddish for “fun”. Want to know what “`du kenen zoygn mine menorah akht tsayt klafte” means? We’re not sure either, we just translated something inappropriate on the Yiddish translator website. If you know what it means, email us at and we’ll give the first person their own, personalized pickleope. Yeah, we’ll pickleope the “drek” out of you.) .
Those who take it too seriously, end up trying to set dreidel-spinning records (oh sure, that record is just as prestigious as being the rotund twins on motorbikes), singing the most uncomfortable version of the dreidel song possible in front of the entire synagogue with the most depressing mascot for Jews since Woody Allen as a backup dancer while his/her fun cousins play dreidel drinking games. The cycle of depression starts spiraling faster when the next act at the Hanukah talent-show puts him/her to shame with a gaggle of dancing rabbis!  Don't be a shmo, be a mentsh.  
            So light some candles, and remember, the entire holiday is about the rededication of a temple and a magic lamp that stayed lit for eight days on one-days-worth of oil. Yep. Good times. Hey, if you really want all the pomp and circumstance of Christmas, go appropriate a bunch of pagan traditions. Or be content in Hanukkah being a symbol of good times while most of your coworkers stress about family, gifts, and decorations and all the children of Abraham have to do is give each other seven or eight pairs of socks. 
Tayve Hanukkah!  

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