Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Whatever Happened To...Pippi Longstocking

For the uninitiated, this is where we use our investigative skills to find out what happened to beloved characters from yesteryear. Today we investigate what happened to Pippi Longstocking (per a request from one of our peers). 
Pippi comes to us from her super-fan website. Please note her friend in the corner who would later become the subject of the play Equus
Not to be confused with the Wendy's girl, Pippi lived in Sweden, had super-strength, a contempt of adults and the fashion sense of blind hobo. Basically she was a Swedish Punky Brewster. She never wanted to grow up, but unfortunately, she’s a redhead and we all know redheads age at a rate 1 ½ times faster than normal people. By the time she was 18, she looked 27. Messed up, right? So yeah, she grew up fast…mentally too, her mistreatment of all the adults in her little village, led to her being ostracized from her tiny gentrified village. Which for her was actually fine. She already dressed and acted like a ragamuffin gypsy, so why not live like one? She tried to bring along her horse and monkey friend… (Sorry, we have to mourn the brain cells we’ve devoted to useless Pippi facts as opposed to basic science or math or geography or even the birthdays of three of our children).
Where were we? Oh yeah, her horse and monkey, stayed where food would be forthcoming rather than hang with the homeless, freckled, teenage brat (redundant) with super-strength.
Knowing nothing outside of Sweden, she stowed away on a boat (presumably a Viking ship since that’s what the Swedish know, that and those weird gummy fish) and landed in England. For a time she made her money as a maid, mopping floors with sponges on her feet like skates. 
Yep, that's her at age 18...look how OLD she looks.  Who'd let that demented Grandma into their house? Oh, image courtesy of this guy
Business was fine until she came across the first black person she had ever encountered. This was early 20th century Sweden, back then black people were considered about as real as a Fossegrimen with arthritis!...If you were Scandinavian, you’d be rolling…or nodding your head because you also consider black people to be fictitious. Much like in modern-day Alaska, Scandinavians used the idea of black people as something to scare their children into behaving. For example: “You better make your bed and go to bed on time or the Nelson Mandela will eat your toes.” (They are very protective of their toes.). So, the first time she encountered a black person in London, she screamed and tried to stab him with a nail-file (she was going for the corkscrew, but in the heat of the moment, all those silly tools look the same).
She fled from the bobbies by fanny-packing to France (Americans “backpack” through Europe, Europeans “fanny-pack” through their own continent...while wearing disturbingly small bathing suits). In France she met a precocious young detective named Tin Tin. They had many an adventure before eventually falling in love while Tin Tin’s dog watched in jealous horror. She beat him regularly, but he dug it. They married and six short months later she gave birth to their first child (remember, this is the normal gestation period for a redhead baby). Their combined pale-itude produced a completely translucent son. But don’t worry, he grew up to make many-a-Euro as a model for a popular science toy.
You can buy a model of Pippi's offspring by ...doing a Google search, don't be lazy. 

3 comments:

  1. Um... you're freakin' hysterical! I love this blog!

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  2. Well I for one am shocked.

    I fully expected a shocking reveal that she is Carrot Top a la Chasity/Chaz Bono.

    By the way, could you get other people to listen to me and take what I say to heart? That felt awesome.

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  3. High praise from THE Goofy Girl! Love your blog as well! Exclamation point!

    Annabelle, while Carrot (as his friends call him) IS a descendant of Pippi, he is in fact a bastard grandchild of her and Tilda Swinton.
    And, no. You are only allowed to give us ideas. Don't you dare share inspiration! EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh no, we overdid punctuation. We're definitely going to be hungover!...ouch we tried to chase the dragon. It didn't work.

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