Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Unnecessary T.V. Recaps

With all the online magazines clamoring to get people to write episode recaps of every single show on television (Paul F. Tompkins did American Idol, Jay Mohr is doing Real Housewives of cartoonish caricatures, and there are others we’re too lazy to look up) we decided to get in on the cash train by recapping a show ourselves. Instead of a crappy reality show, we’ll recap a show we actually enjoy watching. In particular, TV Land is rerunning…well, everything that’s ever been on television. So, we cherry picked a season of a show we love that they’re starting to rerun this week and so, in honor of recently deceased Sherwood Schwartz (although, if he read this, his ghost would never stop vomiting ectoplasm all over our keyboard), we’ll be recapping Season 3 of the Brady Bunch, “The Definitive Year of the Brady” (Of course this is pre-Oliver. Hopefully that guy is super religious because he should thank God daily that he didn’t have the internet when he was on that show. He would have needed more drugs than Keith Richards being smoked by Charlie Sheen just to deal with the storm of vitriol that would have come his way if he infected that show during the internet age.)
Image courtesy of http://mortystv.com/showcards/brady_bunch.shtml 
This season picks up after the major cliff-hanger of Season 2 which was “Who gave Greg crabs?” It’s 9 months later and they have already dealt with the fallout of discovering it was Alice (who got it from Carol Brady who got it from NY mayor John Lindsay…hey, man don’t judge, it was the 60’s…or early 70’s. Who cares, it’s Florence Henderson! That’s hot!) someone made a pithy joke and now they’re on a road trip to the Grand Canyon
Image of molestation foreplay courtesy of Fanpop.
Yep, a wood paneled station wagon loaded to the roof rack with teenagers and pre-pubescent hyperactives. Great idea, Mike and Carol.  
Of course they start singing off-key Row Your Boat incessantly to the point Bobby rips his own braces out just to hear something else in his head other than his family’s blatant tone-deaf attempt at imitating the Partridge Family minus all the great drugs Bonaduce was into. To end the madness, and because Mike has an enlarged prostate forcing frequent urination, they stop at a ghost town.
They are quickly stalked by Zaccariah T. Brown who they quaintly call a “prospector” when it’s obvious to our modern sensibilities is cooking crystal meth (that would be a great nickname for people who cook crystal meth, “prospector”, they do use pans like they’re panning for gold.. To the Urban Dictionary!). Ol’ Zaccariah Meth Mouth thinks they’re going to try and steal his “gold claim” (steal his meth) and he somehow manages to trick every dumb one of them into a tiny, dilapidated jail cell then steals their car.
Mike, ever crafty, uses his afro-pick to pick the cell lock. The episode ends on a cliff hanger with Mike and Greg giving chase to our old prospector.
The important question is: Why did Alice go with them? She’s their employee, does she get overtime? Is she going to tidy their tents? Wouldn’t she rather buy some sausage from Sam the Butcher? Maybe wear something other than that blue dress? Your captives are going on vacation, Alice! You’re free! Go meet up with Harriet Tubman on the Underground Railroad and go North! Maybe this is a Stockholm Syndrome situation. Someone has to get in there and deprogram that maid. Isn’t it in season 5 or 6 (spoiler warning) when she and Oliver rob the bank with assault rifles?  

That’s it for The BB S3 Ep1. Oh what a tense cliffhanger. What will happen next? Our guess, Peter has to give it up to the lonely prospector to get the car back and that’s what causes his voice to change. Come back for more TV recaps and delightful insights each Wednesday…or until we get bored of making incest jokes (This may last a long time. We LOVE incest jokes. ♪♫Incest is the best. Put your brother to the test♫♪).  

9 comments:

  1. Hell yeah epic post =3

    Used to love Brady Bunch, quite the opposite now.

    Nice article, quite detailed and I always thought there was something dodgy about that show. Now we know it's incest.

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  2. Great review.

    I've never watched The Brady Bunch before, but I'm thinking of starting now because How I Met Your Mother and other shows I watch are taking a break over the summer.

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  3. : ) Ha!

    I wasn't a BB watcher, too much wholesome family goodness for my tastes.

    This could work though.

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  4. Now I know why that show was so popular.

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  5. Those of you contemplating watching BB...DON'T! We're trying to save you the pain of the television equivalent of Christian Rock. It sort of looks like the real thing but it's sanitized down so much it's unrecognizable as music/a sitcom. Don't do it to yourself.
    P.S.A. over.

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  6. This is hilarious. Now if only my TV got that version of the Brady Bunch I'd always have something to watch!

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  7. You did the impossible and made the Brady Bunch an interesting show. Nice job.

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  8. I'll have the image of Keith Richards wrapped up in a Zig-Zag and being smoked by Charlie Sheen all day long. hah! Thanks for that.

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  9. I have a confession: I went to the taping of the Brady Bunch Reunion Special in 2004 or so. There were crazy people in the audience seeking to FINALLY get Marsha's autograph. And when I say crazy people, I mean me.

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