History Lessons From an 11 Year Old Boy -- Hanukkah Edition

Here comes Hanukkah, here comes Chanukah, right down Menorah lane...
For all our Jewish friends, coworkers and casual acquaintances, Happy Hanukkah! In celebration of Chanukah (no, we won't decide on one spelling),  we asked our precocious 11 year old history buff to explain what Hanukkah is all about. He didn't know so we asked his Hasidic Jew friend to explain the Festival of Lights. Thus, we bring you Chanukah as explained by an 11 year old Hasidic Jew (Be prepared, Yiddish will be used):

They grow up so fast after their Bris. 

"Okay, so check it out, way way back in the day, super long ago, like five times older than Grandpa, the Greeks, marched into Jerusalem and were all like, 'We. Are. Sparta!' and took over. And they were like, 'Dude, you guys are way too Jew-y, you need to get up on this plurality tip. We got all sorts-a gods over here. We got one for thunder, one for the ocean, we even got one for drinking!' But the Jews were all like, 'A broch tzu dir! Take your dumb old Hercules and get outta here.' The Greeks got all mad and were like, 'Burn this joint down!' And they went all toga-crazy and started burning down Synagogues and knocking yarmulkes off the heads of little kids. They took over the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and just sort of squatted there, mocking the Jews with their feta and boy-love.
So the Israelites got together and were like, 'Screw this noise,' and gathered every proud Jew and were like, 'We are Jerusalem!' And went to take the temple back. But the Greeks had a big ol' army. A bunch of naked dudes came storming out to fight the Jewish army, but the Jews were a wily bunch and beat them! But that was just the first wave. Then the Greeks got serious. They called in the bigger army, a bunch of dudes named Caesar and all sorts of crazy mutant things. Like they have those bull-headed guys, the whatchamacalits, yeah, Minestrone, no the Minotaurs, yeah, and the Minotaurs had lightening guns and rode on the back of dinosaurs, yeah. And then, and then, and then the Greeks had those things with the horse body and human top. The uh...well, whatever, the horse-people who had crossbows and molotov cocktails and they were being ridden by zombies! Yeah, yeah, zombies, man!
But the Jews weren't scared, man, they were like, 'Gai tren zich.' [Editor's Note: That's a Yiddish expression worth looking up for cursing buffs.] They got all up in there and tore it up! They busted some heads, son! They called in some giant eagles Lord of the Rings style, busted out some Krav Maga style kick-ass...Oh...sorry, sirs, that was my funfeh. But they threw their groisser potz around and beat 'em down! The meshugass of the righteous fought those putzes and won! No more Greeks.

So the Jews were like, 'let's relight the menorah, right?' But they found out those dirty Greeks pishekhtsed in all the oil. Gross, right? But they found one oil thing that wasn't contaminated. But it was only good for one day. They were all like, 'a gesheft hob nicht'. And lit that menorah up right. But check this out, that menorah stayed lit not just the one day, but eight crazy nights. 

Image source

So now to commemorate that awesome victory, we light a candle each night. But but but, wait, but wait, but but then, but we have all sorts of cool stuff too, like, like, like latkes (potato pancakes) and sufganiot (doughnuts); dreideling it up (a spinning top with the Hebrew letters nun, gimmel, hei and shin, an acronym for Nes Gadol Hayah Sham, "a great miracle happened there"); and some sweet Chanukah gelt (gifts of straight-up cash, homie).

But, dude, seriously, you should check out Passover. Passover is where it's at for members of the tribe. We pump some Matisyahu and watch Woody Allen flicks all night long!"

Thanks little tyke. For gentiles and Jews alike, Gut Yontif to all! And if you have a chance to go to an authentic Chanukah party, get on it, because, gefilte fish aside, Jewish food is great. 

Happy Hanukkah and L'Chaim!