Letters to Santa

We somehow had some letters to Santa written by children and the occasional demented adult accidentally delivered to our house. 

Oh you talentless, lazy little devil-worshiping cherub. Image source.

And if there's one thing we love, it's convincing children we're omnipotent, if there's a second thing we love, it's committing a federal offense by opening other people's mail. This combines our furst two loves as we responded as Santa (now if only we could fit in our third love, reclining nude in wash tub filled with butterscotch pudding with our pet possum while cousin Clebud plays the jug and cousin Clementine spoon feeds us mango chutney and sings Dolly Parton songs from the late 90's...Yeah, we know, kind of trite, right? But cliches become cliches because they feel good encased in butterscotch pudding.). Let's see what the little tykes have to say...

Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

I would really really really really want the Harry Potter Hogwarts play set. I've been super good all year. I once even picked up my sister's toys and I listen to my Mommy all the time and I do most of my homework. I'd ask Daddy but he's spending Christmas with his secret family. 

Merry Christmas,

Kaden Samuelson 

Of course that touched our heart, so we had to respond...as Santa Claus.

Dear Kaden Samuelson,

You materialistic corporate tool. Simply by asking for material objects, totems that you worship above your own God, precludes you from being on the Good List. In case your school system is failing you, that means you get NOTHING! Normally I would stop by and drop a coal-sized deuce in your stocking but with the population explosion, I don't have time for that nonsense, blame the sex-for-procreation-only crowd and people against prophylactics (ask your "mommy"). I'm currently working on creating and training an army of Gremlins to wreak havoc on the households of bad little children like yourself. But you violate more than just idol worship, you dare ask me, the symbol of a Christian holiday, for a toy celebrating witchcraft!?! You spit in my cookie-encrusted beard with your insulting letter, miniature pagan.  

Your new God,

St. Santa Nicholas Claus Kringle

This is kind of what we pictured our demented version of Santa looked like. Image from some sort of Russian bootleg site.

Yes, we are acutely aware that the idea of Santa Claus was taken from Germanic pagan origins, but what fun are kids if you can't confuse them and lie to them? Hopefully Kaden has learned his lesson and dedicated his life to making the world better for others...at least learning how to play the jug and warm the butterscotch.
And we also sent this picture to remind him the Christmas Gremlins were coming.

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But wait, there's more! We continue our campaign to spread the Pickleope cheer! A proud member of the Pickleope Society of Classy Drunks, the Ginja Ninja, over at vapidvixen.com, whom you may remember from the below insane depiction we drew of her, asked us if we would write a guest post, and in the spirit of giving, we complied.

Just noticed the muffin-chucks don't face the same direction. Now none of it makes sense!

That guest post also involves letters but of a different sort. We've come up with yet another million dollar idea...but we don't want to ruin it, so go check out her website for yet MORE pickled mania. Or save it for Christmas and unwrap it like the gift it is.