Today will be a mess of randomness because I don't have anything prepared and I feel guilty for not posting on a Wednesday as normal.
First, and overheard. I was in an unnamed clothing store (hey, sponsor me and maybe you'll get a plug, Walmart...dammit), giving advice to a friend in the dressing room area when a lady came out of one of the stalls and called to her friend in the other stall to get out and check her out (I could have offered a more unbiased opinion, but she probably wouldn't have enjoyed my uncontrolled horror screaming). Girl #2 comes out and Girl #1 twirls around for her like she's in a prom dress. Girl #2 says she looks good. Girl #1 processes this, turns her back to her friend and says, "I want to make sure, my butt doesn't look flat, does it? I mean, my booty still looks juicy, like it sticks out round and juicy right?" I left the room so I could laugh. Thank you, Sir Mix-A-Lot, your influence is felt to this day.
|Not where I got the image, but I think the Sir has a trademark on his image, so, Image Source.|
You may remember him from his previous appearance here:
No, still not him. That's a minotaur with a lightening gun riding a dinosaur. Let's try this again:
- First order of business, outlaw neckties. I see what you're doing, business men. You're trying to pass of subliminal sexual harassment as a fashion choice. It's not a coincidence that you're wearing an arrow that points to your crotch. You disgust me, business man, pervert.
- Constant medical examination and experimentation on Magic Johnson. You know why.
- Taylor Lautner will be banned from making movies. Since he's young, we'll force him into the sciences. And gross ladies drooling over this teenager, don't worry, he'll do all his science without a shirt. No apron either. All the same rules will be applied to Woody Allen.
- Kidz Bop music (annoying children singing annoying pop songs) will be played in elevators to encourage stair usage and discourage those people in offices who go up or down one floor to drop a deuce. Defile your own bathroom, rank butt.
- Connect Four will be an Olympic event. What, it's the only way I'll have a chance to make it to the Olympics. They'll make a "Cool Runnings" like movie about my unlikely Olympic Connect Four run. Perchance to dream.
- To make tennis and golf more watchable, each time the player hits the ball, they have to make a really loud grunting sex sound. Yeah, women's tennis already put this into practice, but the rest of them, men, women golfers, they could be doing more.
- To help resurrect radio, they will be forced to change their rotation every week. And if I hear "Hotel California" ever again, some Make-a-Wish kid is going to get his dream of blowing up a building.
The Opposite of That
Poke the Rock
Tri-ing to be Athletic (whom I also owe thanks to)
And because she's trying to launch her new Wordpress blog, Lizard Happy.
Thanks again Vinny C.
Regular scheduled programming resumes tomorrow.