Everyone deserves love. That's why I've taken upon myself to try and sweet-talk scammers in order to get a little internet romance going with some Nigerian reprobate. Some of you know my history with scammers (if not, check out parts 1, 2, 3, and the finale for light weekend reading), so it should come as no surprise that I love messing with scammers so much I wanted to start a romance. Here are my attempts.
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| Image Source. As a side note, how much do you think the guy in the picture got paid for this? |
I started trying to be really romantic with the following scammer who sent me this message:
I greet you
Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is. Sweetheart, I sent a kiss on a refreshing wind: the kiss howled across the plaints and flowers; it brushed the underbrush; it stroked the cattails; it kicked up a dust storm; it made the cactus bristle; it teased the lilies; it snuck across the shore and stirred the ocean; and whipped through sails, it picked up the scent of gardenias and honeysuckle; it wrote, ?I need you? in the clouds? and finally it arrived at your door hoping to find you because I am looking for you, my love http://myheart-withyou.in
See you
Thelma
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| Susan Sarandon actually looks the same to this day. Goggle her. It's uncanny. |
To which I responded as any normal person would, with Brian McKnight lyrics (if you click the link, choose “Back to One” to see an middle-aged man in an embarrassing turtleneck awkwardly sing into a microphone with equally awkward backup singers):
Awww s'up girl,
1 You’re like a dream come true
2 Just wanna be with you
3 Gurl its plain to see that your the only one for me and
4 Repeat steps 1 through 3 ,
If ever believe my work is done then I start Back at 1 ...yeah uh yeah
Its so0o0o Incredible the way things work themselves out.
And all emotional once u know what its all about...... hey ....
and Undesirable for us to Be a part .... I never would have made it very far...
But u no u got the keys to my heart......
Hot DAMN I love the name Thelma. Bring it girl.
See you when I close my eyes sitting on the toilet at work where I finish off my dreams. Na' Mean?
Thug life forever,
Rawdog.
WHY oh WHY didn’t she return my email!?! Nothing! That was last month. And still, silence. At least I got to relive Prom by listening to Brian McKnight.
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| What are you DOING McKnight? Who wears that? It won't keep you warm when it's cold and it's too hot when it's warm! That vest thing is not utilitarian at all. And do you know what that tattoo even means? And this was from his own website which is somehow a dotORG! McKnight is a NONPROFIT! |
Because of my history with scammers, some bloggers have been kind enough to email me their own spam in the belief I will enjoy messing with them…and they are CORRECT! (That doesn’t mean you should send me your spam. Use best judgment.) Mynx of the blog Lizard Happy was kind enough to forward me this gem:
Assalamalaikum Wr Wb [Ed. Note: I get the first part, but what’s Wr Wb?]
I got your contact through a web directory [the most reputable source]. I hope in the name of ALLAH that I have the right person who will assist me. I want to transfer my family's money into your country for investment purposes and to secure the future of my 2 children because we are uncertain of the future of this country; as such I would like to make contact with you for assistance. Note, the cash is in our bank and some is safely kept in the family farm. [Wait, what?]
You will help me receive the funds through international transfer from our bank, Libyan Foreign Bank. I cannot travel out of Libya at the moment because of certain conditions and great diifcuilties [like spelling] added to the fact that am disabled on a wheel chair due to a bombing that occured in Benghazi I will explain more to you when I am certain that I can trust you.
Please if you accept this offer of assistance you are required to give me your Name, age, occupation, address also enclosing your telephone fax numbers.
Regards,
Mohamad Hassan al-Rida
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| This is just what I bet the dude looks like. And I also imagine he sings TERRIBLE misogynistic 80's anthems. I bet ZZ Top has a hard time at airports. At least I hope so for giving us so much ear-poison. Image Source! |
Asalaikumsalam My Brother,
So, what time is it where you are? How's the weather? Are the people nice there? Sorry to hear about your legs. That totally totally reeks anal beads, yo.
Me, I am graduating high school and I'm SOOOOO excited. But first I'm going to Prom, and Mikey Taggert better ask me or I'll totally unfriend him on Facebook and tell everyone he asked me to pee on him. I have my own bank account and it would help me so so much to help you! Yayyyyy!
My name is Pi (short for Pickleope) Von Pickleope (my parents are all about repetition), I'm 18 (totes legal!), student (bummer), and here's my address:
4211 Downs St.
Metairie, LA 70001 [Ed. Note: That’s the address of a Jehovah’s Witness church, because, well, why not? They spam your door, why not spam their mail?]
I don't have a fax number because I’m not, like, 80, so I can't get you that. A fax? That’s totally hilarious. You’re funny, Mo! That's like this one time, Daddy was drunk and he was all like, "Hey, Pilo...whatever the Hell I named you, get down to the store and buy us a pizza and another 6-pack." and I was all, "But Daddy, we can order it over the internet, and I'm too young to buy beer (even though I totally do anyway), duh!" And I showed him how to do it. But then he spilled beer all over my laptop which sucks grotesque Godzilla herpes balls. So yeah, hit me up on my Twitter or just email me silly.
And don't worry, I'm totally good at secrets. I never told anyone that my best friend Sherry played the cracker game with the boys basketball team. Oops, except you, but now you have to keep it a secret! See, we're friends with secrets. You're so cool. I feel like I could talk to you forever.
Your pen pal,
Pi Von Pickleope
That was on February 1st. Sadly, he’s apparently not into high school girls.
Is it me? Am I not sexy enough? When will someone who sends out identity theft emails love me!?!
Have a great, email-romance-filled weekend.
I have never gotten an email like the first one, but I've gotten several variations of the second one. I try so hard not to imagine just what the person who sent it might actually look like. Too scary. I have to wonder what they think when you reply. FBI is what they're thinking!
ReplyDeleteHahahha I've been getting a ton of scammer emails lately...who knew there were so many rich nigerian princes out there!
ReplyDeleteFor me, apparently Blizzard desperately needs my password to verify if I'm a hacker.
ReplyDeleteI am getting offers of playboy bunnies and enlargement pills...I wonder if I could throw that together and enlarge the playboy bunnies...hmm
ReplyDeleteI love your responses very funneh...and now to listen to some 80s music.
'Assalamalaikum Wr Wb'
ReplyDeleteI don't understand this at all. WR WB? CD EF? Who knows.
Darn good post today, Pickle. I love when you mess with scammers.
Would this method of correspondence also work on bill collectors?
ReplyDeleteYes, but instead of Brian McKnight, use Bell Biv DeVoe.
DeleteYou really are the wisest pickle on the internet.
DeleteWell I would totally reply to your responses, so I don't know what the hell is wrong with these scammers.
ReplyDeleteAlakkumsalam pickleope. You are the robinhood of cyberage. You know abt Gmail mess ups I guess. Somehow my husband gets mails of one another with his name in India. He used to get all sort of junk mails payment of bills and then some resumaes and the most important and annoying stream of mails were from all matrimony sites. I guess the other guy was intentionally giving out my hubby's id instead of his. and google as usual denied and didn't respond for the spams.I got too pissed off and I logged in to his matrimony site and I am not proud of what I did, but gave me relief - got same satisfaction of I were to use f words on him.
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to spam spammers but I've never had the balls. Or the spam. You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Who wouldn't want to talk to that charming fellow or that high school girl? Like, totally legit.
ReplyDeleteI HATE junk snail mail. For a while I was mailing the junk mail back to the senders, but then the postage got expensive.
ReplyDeleteomg
ReplyDeletewhen i read
"My response:
Asalaikumsalam My Brother,"
i started laughing irl and everyone looked at me like i was weird
Excellent work as always. Best spam mail ever was one that came into our office email address, while some important clients were visiting. The spam email was about a wonderful new viagra-esque pill, complete with before and after pictures.
ReplyDeleteWell played scammers, well played.
I do something similar with telemarketers. I try my best to sound like someone from their global region and give them endless jibber-jabbering in their accent until they hang up.
ReplyDeleteYou are frigging crazy. I love what you write...you crack me up...
ReplyDeleteI am actually kind of envious. Believe it or not, I have never received spam. I love fucking with people. It's what makes me so charming. How do I get this treasure in my inbox?
ReplyDeleteOh Yuck! Now I'm having prom memories fill with the sounds of Brian McKnight ringing through my head...make it stop!!!
ReplyDeleteI love that you gave the Jehovah's Witness address; that is sheer brilliance! It totally made me think of this hilarious photo I found on the web:
http://pinterest.com/pin/30891947413758814/
This totally gives me ideas what to do with spam.
ReplyDeleteAs if I need an excuse.
Word.
Those penis enhancer emails surely have to be legit though, right?
ReplyDeleteGod, I hope so.
'Cause I ordered a 12-pak.
Oh yeah. Those are legit.
DeleteMan some of those emails are so long. I got a weird one about some girl trying to move to my city and wanting help moving in and helping her rid her life of webcam work.
ReplyDeleteWas worth the read.
trying to pull a spammer....that would earn you many internets
ReplyDeleteIf I had magical powers, I would magically transport the special bounty that I have produced from my butt, throughout my entire lifetime, to their desk in front of their PCs or whatever they're using to spam with. Really... what could be more romantic than that?
ReplyDeleteI admire your ability to take the effort to play with them. The ZZ Top dude looks like he could use a sandwich or is dying of AIDS. Maybe both.
They hacked my email to both email addresses and send those crazy emails to my contacts list and it looks like I am sending them. I tried changing my passwords. What a conundrum...
ReplyDeleteOh very funny. I cant believe our farmer friend never wrote you back.
ReplyDeleteThank you for having some fun with these stupid scammers.
It may never stop them but is providing endless entertainment for us
I wish anyone would write me anything like the second letter your wrote, Pi Von Pickleope, my pal, my buddy, my Green Buddha. To answer your question, I think you are very sexy, but then again I'm into little green romantics. Don't get scared now. I may be blue but that doesn't mean a thing. Meet you at the you-know-which Jehovah’s Witness church. Eight?
ReplyDeleteP.S. Make sure you'll be wearing your favorite Brian McKnight turtleneck. It makes you look like James Bond.
Firstly, hahahahahahahahahaha. Shit. This was actually hilarious.
ReplyDeleteMcKnight needs to change his clothing..makes him look as though he has little saggy boobs.
WrWb, I think, stands for 'warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu'.. It's like an extended greeting that the arabs use..after asalamualaikum. Takes a good while to master saying it properly..
I hope he emails back - although I don't see it happening! I never get spammed. Normally, this would be a good thing. But reading your posts make me (secretly) want to be 'spammed.' Sad times.
GM x
Wow, that's awesome, thank you for elucidating me.
DeleteYou don't want to be spammed. Most of it is just penis pill ads and viruses.
I'm guessing you're trying to be like the guys from 419eater? Man, they have some good stories there.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know about 419eater and I appreciate you pointing me to like-minded people. Those guys are waaaayyyy better than I am at this from the few I've read. I just like coming up with different characters and don't have the patience they have to play the long game.
DeleteFor them, the goal is noble, to catch the scammers and really screw them. For me, I use scam emails as an opportunity for jokes. It's that superficial. The entire goal here is to entertain myself.
Better than the Great Pickleope???? Say it ain't so!
DeleteOh no, not "better" in the sense their content is better. "Better" in the sense they are better at getting people to respond. I am better at being creative and funny. Just different goals.
DeleteIf I was sending you spam mail trying to get you to give me all your money or have you buy viagra and you responded with that stuff, I would totally romance you up!
ReplyDelete