Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Pickleope After Dark

Warning: This following post contains matters of a sexual nature, but no naughty words like ****, ****, ****, dog *****, *****, festering anal leakage, or elephantiasis of the ****** because this is a FAMILY blog despite what that stupid pedophilic, necrophilia-connoisseurs, that would gladly give an oral enema to a 5-days-dead Siberian husky puppy, insipid moral authority gas bags of a smegma -eating, judgmental slut-donkey that is the Clean Meter says.
This is the neon sign I'll be selling to liquor stores.
The Pickleope offices, also my home because I work so much, has been besieged by a series of terrible upstairs neighbors. If anthropologists wanted to truly devolution, they could publish volumes about the missing chromosome animals that live above me. I've had a single mother, who was also a screamer and not picky about boyfriends (good luck in therapy little guy!). A couple who looked like extras from the show Cops, who would have sex at 4AM like clockwork for all of five minutes (I wanted to leave a gift basket with the Kama Sutra, some instructional videos, and a battery-operated helper). They were replaced by a single girl who would routinely drop her battery-operated helper on the ground, still running, until her refractory period set in. Then finally, another trashy-gross, Croc-wearing, couple. The guy looked like an inbred Jack Black if inbred Jack Black gave up hope, let himself go and only cared about tow-truck reality television, and the girl looked like an adult who writes in a Hello Kitty diary and admires the athleticism of bowlers. They would only have sex once a month, but they were each larger people and it sounded like they were violent lovers (ugh, the word "lovers" gives me the douche-chills) using a Walmart bed, but the bigger problem was that they had two giant white-trash mutts who ran amok (aside from themselves...Thank you, thank you, tip your waitress.).
Thank you, People of Walmart for letting me know what my old neighbors are up to.
After they moved out, like a beam of light through the heavens, all was silent at nights. Then, on a weekend I at about noon, I heard a haunting, melodic sound. At first it sounded like a ghost. But then the sound got louder and more clear, it was a woman practicing opera singing and she sounds Amazing! It doesn't end there, a man's voice followed in an opera-like duet. It was an opera singing couple, and they were really good! (well, the woman more so than the man, but "don’t look at a chicken in a horse’s mouth" as the saying goes)
Dream neighbors! They don't have weird habits, they don't make a lot of noise, and importantly, after a series of loud-sex-gross-trash neighbors who drop still-vibrating marital-aids on the ground (my ceiling) this new couple was a dream come true.
Side note– I have yet to knock on their door or invite them to drinks for fear I may scare them away. My short-distance non-relationship is perfect and there's no reason to compromise that by talking to them directly. I don't even know what they look like. –End side note.
This may be what they look like, I don't know because I'm a recluse that never talks to neighbors.
After a while, though, I began to suspect they were not actually a couple, just cohabitating, platonic, eunuchs. It also made me curious as to whether they may be very talented sex-offenders who decided to live with each other because they can't afford an apartment on their own and it's hard to find a roommate when you're always bringing strange children home. But I looked them up on the internet predator tracking thing, and no, not pedos.

Then the night came when I went to bed early. Apparently, they are an "early to bed, early to rise" type. No sooner did my head hit the pillow when there was a small, mild thump above me. A “tender thump” if you will. This was it, the answer to one of the most pressing questions of our time:
What does it sound like when opera singers have sex?

Does it sound like “Flight of the Valkyries”? Is it this melodic fugue of passion that would make Strauss rethink his entire body of work? Or do they go the other direction and it sounds like Fran Drescher being tickled?
So what does it sound like when opera singers “compose an aria,” to use theater sex slang I just made up?

Silence.

Yep, no sound at all. At least that’s the case for this small sampling. So disappointing. I would rather he was a castrato. I mean, nothing!?! Are they gargling warm salt water during sex to preserve their voices? Is it weird that I was so curious? It's not like I set up an elaborate listening device, our walls are super-thin. 

Regardless of the outcome, I think we all learned something here today: if you're my neighbor, I can hear you have sex, and you're terrible at it.

Speaking of anthropological curiosities, I will be out-of-pocket the rest of the week on vacation, so I apologize for not being as engaged as normal over the next few days.

32 comments:

  1. I totally forgot about Mardi Gras. I am jealous.

    I am shocked at this discovery of quietude though. I suppose if you spend all of your days being very vocal you would prefer to spend your time 'relaxing' in silence.

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    1. See, it's not weird that I was curious, right? Oh god, please tell me it's not weird. Validate my mild perversion!

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  2. I like having quite sex. I pretend its war time and I'm hiding out in an attic!

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  3. Hahh, this makes me wonder if my neighbor thinks there is trouble in paradise after i switched my old squeaky bed with a nice new quiet one...

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  4. You've had some very bad neighbors, If it were me, I'd have been arrested for manslaughter already. Now though, you've free opera and quiet f***rs (edited for family entertainment).

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  5. I have thin walls and while I hear my neighbours shout at her kids I'm yet to hear her get freaky. But I think that if opera stars have sex, it would be like Ride Of The Valkyries. I would have sex to that.

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  6. I laughed so hard that I threw my head back, hitting it against the wall. Are any and all injuries sustained while reading your blog my responsibility? Shouldn't someone have to pay for my stupidity? I sure as hell don't want it to be me.

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    1. Though you can sue, you'd get more value suing the homeless guy down the street for his jar of urine. I'm very poor, hence the paper thin walls.

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  7. It's called Ninja Sex. I'm not sure if it was Lil Dreamer or someone else who educated me on that important issue. Ninja Sex - that's what it is. I love neighbors who suck at sex. I know.... very visual that one, but I'm serious. Ninja-sex-loving neighbors and 5-minute men (sorry, Lil Dreamer) - I'm all for it. So I can sleep like a baby and dream of bad things happening to the rest of the world.

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  8. I adore the 'after dark' sign! There is a guy on YouTube who completes activities for the length of time his neighbours copulate (had to use that word). I'll find the link for you; it's really amusing...and clearly, no, you are not alone.

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  9. I read the entire post, but after your comment on "lovers" I became disconnected. All I could see were the old SNL sketches with Will Ferrel and his lover, talking about their bizarre sexual escapades.

    ...lover... *shudders*

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    1. I feel your pain. One of the worst descriptors.

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  10. I remember when I used to live in apartments with G. The upstairs neighbors would have some violent sex. It sounded like the tie me up and whip me hard type of stuff. It's not fun to listen to the screaming. o_0

    Neighbors should always practice soft, quiet sex.

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  11. I can't wait to hear about the search terms that you get after the redacted comments above. Especially since they're just highlighted in black and if you select all the text you can still see words like ____ and ___________.

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    1. WHA!?! I had no idea it would be possible to see such filth that I wrote myself!
      (Tee hee hee. I made a naughty.)

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  12. Oh the joys of having neighbors above or next to you. My little cottage in the woods is perfect if I feel like screaming! Fun post.

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    1. Don'y you hear the lovely humping of nature, though? Not sure if I'd rather have the sounds of raccoon or the sounds of grotesque sub-human monsters slap against one another.

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  13. This post makes me really thankful I no longer share walls. I don't want to hear, or be heard. I'm pretty sure if my neighbors are in the back yard they would hear me in my bedroom. This thought bothers me greatly. (I think this because I can clearly hear their conversation when they go out in the evening with friends to smoke weed.)

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    1. Then they are DEFINITELY listening to your squeaky-squeaky. Especially if they're stoners. They're listening to you in tie-dye.

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    2. Nah, they're listening to me in Air Jordan's and football jerseys.

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  14. What is your zopxode pickleope? I guess we both have same neighbors. My sexmaniac neighbour is two stores above me. Think about the neighbor above me. Oh my they are on mission for sire how long, how many times, I don't even know whether it is physically possible. i can feel the pain sometimes I need to play opera to undermine the moans and bed squeak.

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    1. They live TWO stories above you and it's a problem!?! And they make whoopie (thanks, 70's terminology) abnormally often? Perhaps they deserve applause rather than derision.
      I also sincerely hope that now, when you play opera, you think of them a little differently now. As very quiet lovers (EW! Gah! I did it again! Sorry. So sorry. Gross gross gross).

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    2. applause? Yeah right. When you have guests and they hear the violent wild sex sound at 4 pm Saturday afternoon, hmm on second thought applause shall be better than opera. Thanks pickleope, I can hire you as my counselor for life

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  15. I live below two 19th century aristocrats. Their sex noises are some of the best.

    "Oh Gerald, yes! Are you almost finished?"

    "Oh crumbs!"

    (Great post!)

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  16. We forgive your absence in in lieu of a bobble head that sounds like Fran Drescher laughing.

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  17. Ah, the trials and tribulations of having to live close to other people... maybe you should ask them if they need help next time. Who wouldn't enjoy a nice pickle surprise?

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  18. While in Uni I had a screamer with bad taste in blokes living above me and the GF. It finally got so bad that I recorded their bedroom antics the one Friday...then went out the following morning leaving the recording on loop at full volume... she got a lot quieter after that

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  19. Oh, I don't know what part made me laugh the most! Yes, Mardi Gras coming and I am heading out of La. as fast as my feet will carry me..don't know where, but getting out of Dodge! Have a great week!

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  20. The thought of Fran Drescher being tickled kills any erection I could ever have. Or maybe that's a brilliant trick to lasting longer in bed. Just think of that.

    Have you considered that maybe they're deaf? So even though you don't hear screaming, her hands are signing like MAD.

    Also, Anne Frank sex is probably the most hilariously disturbing thing I've heard all day.

    We need more Pickleope After Dark.

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  21. Douche-chills???? My new favorite word to try out at the office on Tuesday!
    Enjoy your vacation away from your poorly sexed-up neighbors.

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