The Pickleope offices are run on tea. Glorious, effervescent, occasionally fart-inducing if you drink too much green tea, mild on the tummy TEA! Love it.
However, tea conglomerates are incredibly pretentious and offer pithy sayings on the box or on the weird flag that's attached to the rope that's attached to the bag. For example, Tazo tea has this on the side of their box: “True passion is intoxicating and invigorating, soothing and sensuous, mysterious, and magical. We just thought you should know what you’re in for.”
This Katrina-sized storm of b.s. wrapped in pseudo-mysticism inspired me to try and generate extra revenue for the Pickleope empire. So I offer some of my own mystic proverbs that I will attempt to sell to tea companies (previous rejected proverbs can be found here, here, here, and here). Here are some I'm shopping currently:
We have a campaign to teach children how to worship Satan so that there’s more room in Heaven for you. Just one of the ways the Tea industry is giving back to the community. Tea: Eat that, Red Bull!
|Image source. Though that person probably stole it from somewhere else. I'm not a detective so I don't know the real source.|
suck at sumo wrestling? Shouldn’t it be a huge national sport, filled with characters that such a morbidly obese culture can relate to? Tea—try our new Caramel-Chocolate-Whipcream-Oreo-Cookie Dough-Soda-Pancake-Sugar-Sugar-Cheese-Vanilla Tea. America
Cats were once worshipped in ancient
as gods. Perhaps this is because cats are rumored to have the ability to steal the air from a sleeping baby. This is a myth. In reality, cats simply smother babies by sleeping on their warm baby heads. Tea—Cats are cheaper than an abortion. Egypt
Then there are less metaphysical an more pastoral, like this:
A father takes his son fishing early in the morning on a warm summer day. As they watch the sun rise, the son takes a long drink from his bottle of tea, the father from his flask. The son asks his father if he ever did this with his dad. The words glide across the boat on the breeze of summer, dancing on the morning dew drops. The father turns to son and tells him it was a moment just like this when his grandfather came out of the closet. The father then takes a deep breath and explains to his son how when his mother was pregnant, he would punch her in the stomach, push her down stairs and smoke next to her. Morning Mist Tea—the perfect compliment to awkward conversation. Tea—Sometimes quietly enjoying a moment is best.
These are gold, Lipton. Get on the train, Tetley. Don't get left behind, Bigelow.