Celebrity Hall Pass

Most people in a relationship consider that relationship to be monogamous (Shout out to my open marriage peeps! Alleged big-ups to Brad and Angelina, Will and Jada, and other monogamish homies!). Nonmonogamous or "open" relationships are fine if that's what you worked out together openly and honestly. But a lot of people in relationships that call themselves monogamous leave a backdoor open for no-consequences nookie and call this the celebrity hall pass.

You've heard of this, couples actively create lists of celebrities, where, if they had the chance, get to knock da' boots (What? I LOVE 90's RandB, I will not apologize) with that celebrity with no marital consequences.

This is a flawed system.

What you're telling your spouse is, "you're the best I can get right now, but if I can get better, you're damn right I'm trading up." This is a bad message to send. Yeah, it's fun to talk about what celebrities you find attractive but you're doing psychological damage to the saggy-arse sleeping next to you. It's almost as bad as buying your spouse exercise equipment or worse, a gift certificate to plastic surgery. If you want to roll play Catherine the Great and her horse, that's fine, but telling your partner that you would rather have sex with Justin Timberlake or Gabourey Sidibe, is telling them that they are not your sexual pinnacle.

I'll buy an open-marriage. You're both saying that you get bored and need to tag in some outside help to keep the game going. Like bench players in a basketball or hockey game. But this celebrity pass does not fly.

And no one ever discusses the rules.  Do you ratify it once, or is it ever-evolving? If this is an evolving list, you're essentially saying, is you get a shot at any celebrity and can retroactively say that person was on your "list." "Sorry honey, but you should have known that the second person voted off the Bachelor was on my list. Oh, and in 18 years, the E-Trade baby is totally on my list too."

You need to have rules and structure.  If you insist on having this celebrity cheat list, let me help you create the rules that will help your marriage succeed in the long run.

1. There's a 5 celebrity maximum plus 2 whom you can give oral favors to, and 5 with whom you can only do over the pants stuff.  If you want to add one more "drunken whoopsie" D-list celebrity, that's between you two.
2. Each person gets veto power.  When the list is complete, if you're uncomfortable with a choice because you don't want to share spit with someone who shared spit with a gross celebrity, veto that sucker. If you see Russell Brand on a list, veto that. You don't want whatever unidentified STD he has getting up in your mix. 
3. Each person gets to add a punishment celebrity to the other's list. "Yeah, you can get busy with Beyonce if you get the chance, but if you ever find yourself in a room with Joan Rivers, you have to take her down too."
4. You get one shot at this list. If you made your list in early 00's and put Britney Spears on it, then you met crazy bald umbrella-wielding Britney, you live with your decision. Hey, back in the 80's I put Grace Jones on my list (which offers no clues whether I be male or female, but I am in fact a hermaphrodite so it's a moot point), and if I run into Grace Jones now, well, I made my Grace Jones bed, now I have to lie in it. But it could work out too. If you put Bruce Willis or Helen Mirren on your list 30 years ago, you're still sitting pretty.
5. If you're unhappy in your marriage, this is the perfect time to make your unhappiness known by putting down "the neighbor" or "any of your coworkers".

There you go. If you follow those simple rules, you too can have a happy marriage.