Monday, May 14, 2012

Celebrity Hall Pass

Most people in a relationship consider that relationship to be monogamous (Shout out to my open marriage peeps! Alleged big-ups to Brad and Angelina, Will and Jada, and other monogamish homies!). Nonmonogamous or "open" relationships are fine if that's what you worked out together openly and honestly. But a lot of people in relationships that call themselves monogamous leave a backdoor open for no-consequences nookie and call this the celebrity hall pass.

You've heard of this, couples actively create lists of celebrities, where, if they had the chance, get to knock da' boots (What? I LOVE 90's RandB, I will not apologize) with that celebrity with no marital consequences.

This is a flawed system.

What you're telling your spouse is, "you're the best I can get right now, but if I can get better, you're damn right I'm trading up." This is a bad message to send. Yeah, it's fun to talk about what celebrities you find attractive but you're doing psychological damage to the saggy-arse sleeping next to you. It's almost as bad as buying your spouse exercise equipment or worse, a gift certificate to plastic surgery. If you want to roll play Catherine the Great and her horse, that's fine, but telling your partner that you would rather have sex with Justin Timberlake or Gabourey Sidibe, is telling them that they are not your sexual pinnacle.

I'll buy an open-marriage. You're both saying that you get bored and need to tag in some outside help to keep the game going. Like bench players in a basketball or hockey game. But this celebrity pass does not fly.

And no one ever discusses the rules.  Do you ratify it once, or is it ever-evolving? If this is an evolving list, you're essentially saying, is you get a shot at any celebrity and can retroactively say that person was on your "list." "Sorry honey, but you should have known that the second person voted off the Bachelor was on my list. Oh, and in 18 years, the E-Trade baby is totally on my list too."

You need to have rules and structure.  If you insist on having this celebrity cheat list, let me help you create the rules that will help your marriage succeed in the long run.
  1. There's a 5 celebrity maximum plus 2 whom you can give oral favors to, and 5 with whom you can only do over the pants stuff.  If you want to add one more "drunken whoopsie" D-list celebrity, that's between you two.
  2. Each person gets veto power.  When the list is complete, if you're uncomfortable with a choice because you don't want to share spit with someone who shared spit with a gross celebrity, veto that sucker. If you see Russell Brand on a list, veto that. You don't want whatever unidentified STD he has getting up in your mix. 
  3. Each person gets to add a punishment celebrity to the other's list. "Yeah, you can get busy with Beyonce if you get the chance, but if you ever find yourself in a room with Joan Rivers, you have to take her down too."
  4. You get one shot at this list. If you made your list in early 00's and put Britney Spears on it, then you met crazy bald umbrella-wielding Britney, you live with your decision. Hey, back in the 80's I put Grace Jones on my list (which offers no clues whether I be male or female, but I am in fact a hermaphrodite so it's a moot point), and if I run into Grace Jones now, well, I made my Grace Jones bed, now I have to lie in it. But it could work out too. If you put Bruce Willis or Helen Mirren on your list 30 years ago, you're still sitting pretty.
  5. If you're unhappy in your marriage, this is the perfect time to make your unhappiness known by putting down "the neighbor" or "any of your coworkers".

There you go. If you follow those simple rules, you too can have a happy marriage.

27 comments:

  1. Oh lord, you are a relationship counselor too, where we you when I got married? Who is getting your vote this election? Newt? Jolie is monogamous? That women once he gets the ring moves to another man with a different ring, doesn't she? What next, you are going to call her virtuous woman?

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  2. I never really got the point of those lists either. Though if a partner ever tries to bring one up, I'll have them read this.

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  3. I would think celebrities should be on your total No Go list. Because you know if the paparazzi find out (and they always do), everyone in the world is going to know you stepped out on your significant other. Even if they're ok with it, there's going to be A LOT of uncomfortable questions and accusations like:

    I know I'm fat, but my wife and I are swingers too, wanna play?

    Or

    Did Angie make you wear a saddle? She did, didn't she.

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  4. Any piece of writing that can work a Catherine the Great joke into it is a marvellous piece of writing. Well done you!

    Also, can the punishment celebrities be famous animals? I hear Flipper has gone downhill since his glory days in the 90's, and destroyed his physique with moonshine and cheap speed.

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  5. Hahahaha "any of your coworkers." Snicker. I don't have a list...but I guess exceptions for famous people are kind of implied? I wouldn't hold it against Boyfriend. But do NOT tell Boyfriend that.

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  6. I don't pay much attention to the news or tabloids.

    I put Lindsay Lohan on my list the day she turned 17 (Calm down, the age of consent in Texas is 17).

    I hope that wasn't a mistake. haven't heard much ab out her...

    I'll go wiki her right now to see what I'm getting circa 2012.

    I'm expecting great things.

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  7. Okay, I kid you not, I once dated a girl who always made it a HUGE point to say that she liked me, but if she ever met the lead singer of Savage Garden (that terrible 90s boyband) that she'd leave me for him in a heartbeat. You know, because a 35 year old has-been rocker would have wanted an average looking girl from Colorado.

    I thought it was always a dickish thing to say. I mean, why always bring that up? I don't sit my wife down and tell her, honey, you're beautiful, but you're not as pretty as Scarlett Johanssen. Whew. I'm glad we cleared that up.

    Anyway, a few weeks after that, the Savage Garden guy came out as being gay. So I e-mailed the article to that girl and said I've got some bad news for you, now you have none of us. Best breakup ever.

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  8. I didn't realize the list could do so much damage to the saggy-arse sleeping next to me. I should have been more considerate. Thank-you.

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  9. You've given this far too much thought. LOL.

    I think the way it works is like 20 questions.
    "Honey, please tell me you can guess what celebrity I just met?"

    If they are all "I don't think you did", or start guessing Fred Flintstone you know it doesn't matter who you met. But if they can guess within 5 guesses, BAMM. they still have all the control.

    Clearly, I have thought about this too much.

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

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    Replies
    1. It's possible that you and I think way too much about way too little. But that's what's fun.

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  10. I think I remember reading in evolution class that most mammals are polygamous (non exclusive). I don't know what to classify humans haha but it seems you did a good job! Funny stuff.

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  11. Celebrities work the other way around, as well. For example, if Anne Hathaway or Kristen Bell knocked on my door looking for a good shag, it would be ok and my girlfriend couldn't get upset.

    It's a celebrity after all, they don't count.

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  12. I love your whole take on the celebrity hall pass!!! My husband and I each have some "freebies". He knows that I would jump in the sack with Brad Pitt or Jon Bon Jovi in a skinny minute. Plus I'm dying to turn Anderson Cooper straight, but at the end of the day, I'm comin' home to my man.

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    Replies
    1. WHAT!?! Jon Bon Jovi with his crazy miasma of STD's?
      Trust me, your health insurance isn't good enough to cover whatever you contract from the Jovi. You're better off grabbing a random mullet than touching the Jovi. But yeah, that's understandable.

      Delete
  13. That's a pretty good set of rules there :)

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  14. Yep. I'm pretty sure that if I had the actual chance to bone a celeb crush, afterward I'd just tell the Hubs, get my high-five, and move on.

    I've put up with a lot of marital shit over the years, if Charlie Hunnam wants to stick it to me, Karma totally allows it.

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  15. I do have a TV husband - oh Michael Shanks...so very beautiful! But that's okay because my husband works on the beach so he gets to look at bikini clad women all day! And well, I'm all for have multiple spouses anyway. The more the merrier and the less house work I have to do! Because I would be 1st wife and get to boss all the other wives around. Or on the opposite spectrum, with more husbands, that means more men working to bring home the moolah and then I could hire a maid and have all the house work done for me. Win either way, I think!

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  16. I am totally fine with my husband knowing that I would, without hesitation, trade up for Brad Pitt, especially Thelma and Louise Brad Pitt. I'm sure Hollywood can arrange that.

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    Replies
    1. Pssst, there's no such thing as a time machine. But if you smoke enough weed, you'll be cool with super-high-post-Fight Club-Pitt.

      Delete
  17. I wonder if celebrities fantasize about us?

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  18. I put jack White on my list years ago. This is something I deeply regret. Have you seen him lately?
    Listen, monogamy means different things to different people. I have one partner (not now. I am currently single) and one partner only, but that does not mean I don't go out on dates with other men. All it means is that my boyfriend cannot be replaced...until I find someone better.

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  19. I don't need a list...I don't even have a real life none celebrity person....all by myself...don't wanna be...where is the whiskey?

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  20. Britney Spears always makes my list! But I don't actually have a list cause I think the list thing is kind of weird. How likely is it that a guy would be able to sudduce a famous woman vs how likely an average woman could bang a rock star or a male celebrity! Woman have the advantage!

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  21. In my opinion, celebrities are trading down, not up. Unless, it's Ricky Schroder, then yeah...

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  22. Wow!!! Punishment celebrities is the funniest thing Ive heard in a while.... and brilliant.
    My girl has a list and Im about to go add Stephen Hawking to that sucker!!!

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  23. i LOVE this. now it just needs to get turned into a drinking game, and then you will have conquered the world!

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  24. Bah, I just believe in the ideals of "cheating" and "adultery."

    There shouldn't be rules of any sort on this kind of thing - either you're a cheating bastard/bitch who needs to get dropped out of the relationship (I severely frown upon cuckoldry, but I also recognize that some dudes are just into that), or honest adultery where all involved are cool with it.

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