Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Explaining Things to Children--Higher Education Edition

With Mother's Day approaching, I thought I'd help out some mothers. But not just in advice like I'm normally accustomed but in practicality. That's why I volunteered to give a group of mothers the day off by babysitting for them. Aren't I nice? And with all these children under my guidance, such an opportunity could only mean one thing: indoctrination.
I decided to take on the task of explaining some of the more complicated parts of life. Here's a transcript from my recent recording.

Hi kids, I'd like to teach you about higher education. Sounds fun, right!?! Yaayyyyy! Hey, excuse me, Rainbow? Yeah, I don't care what those granola-smoking unwashed hippie parents of yours let you do at home, but here we wear our clothes. Thank you. No spliffs either. 

Now, when you grow up, you're going to go to school. School is where you learn basic knowledge about the world if you're lucky and got into a good private school. Private school is where rich people's children go as long as they're white. Public school is the place you'll go to sniff glue, grow to despise humanity and learn how to meet bare minimum expectations. 
While you're in school, I'm not going to lie to you, probably three out of ten of you will be molested in some way either by a teacher or a family friend...What's "molestation"? Don't worry, Timmy, with that level of naivety and the by the looks of your uncle, you won't have to wonder that for long. 

You'll go to school for about thirteen or fourteen and in your case, Kaden, probably drop out at 15 and give sub-par sexual favors in exchange for canned Vienna sausages.  
But then, when the law-mandated schooling ends, you have a choice to make: Do you go into the workforce and try to make money, or do you go to college with the hope that extra-schooling will be an investment in your future? An investment is what rich people call artificially manipulating markets to service their own greed rather than the common good...Y'know what, never mind, you're better off not knowing. 

College is this magical fairyland where people engage in self-destructive behavior without consequence and are allowed to have ideals that contradict the reality of systematic oppression. Doesn't that sound like fun!?! You don't understand? Okay, college is what  people do to stave off having to work and be miserable like your Mommy and Daddy whose dual income still isn't enough to feed your insatiable pizza bagel addiction. NO, ROGER YOU CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER BAGEL BITE! Can your parents have the best part of their late 20's/early 30's back? No, so we all have to get used to disappointments and not getting what we want. 
Where was I? Oh yeah. College is where you get to engage in regrettable...What's a "regrettable"? It's what you'll call the person who stole your virginity...What's a "virginity"? It's something people tell you is precious but really just makes you a disappointment when you take your clothes off and roll around with someone you like. Ask your parents. But speaking of which, college is the only place where you can have naked rubbing fun with anyone you like, boy, girl, both at the same time, a pile of people, it doesn't matter because you're in college and supposed to be adventurous with your body...No, not now, Rainbow, put the hemp sack you call a dress back on, and please get your brother Echo away from my spices, none of them will get him high, I promise, except maybe the Cayanne Pepper if he snorts it. Go ahead, Echo, go nuts. 
Yes, this idiot is snorting Cayanne pepper. If you search for "snort cayanne pepper" there's a plethora of videos. Or you can go to where I found this image (not an endorsement).
Unfortunately, this paradise costs money. You know the car you drove here in? College costs like, ten of those. So some people have to get loans. Loans are when banks say you can have a dollar for a week, but at the end of the week, you owe two dollars. Except we're talking about a lot more money than just a dollar. For example, I could sell every child in this room to a Florida sex-trade and still not be able to pay back my student loans.

Roger, no! There are no more pizza bagels left. None. Can I interest you in a carrot stick? NO, I don't have a Doritos Locos Taco. Why would you even think I...forget it.

Then, after graduation you'll take the first job that pays even moderately well just to
scrape together enough money to make the minimum payment before the student loans crush you into financial oblivion but it clings to you, forcing your forever-rent, lease ten-year-old cars, sell your bone marrow to pay for a crappy three-day cruise to Mexico and back, and contemplate pawning your parents' heirlooms just so you don't get the electricity shut off. The only possible means of escape is the comforting hug of a fist-full of Oxycontin washed down with absinthe.
And THAT is why most of you will learn the intricacies of Walmart's layaway policy and won't have that brother or sister you were wanting. 

Now, who wants some expired ice cream!!!

[Editor's note: They all pretty much looked sad and confused after my little lesson. They kind of looked like a life-like Charlie Brown...]
Image courtesy of the amazing Tim O'Brien. Hope you didn't see this right before you were planning on going to bed.


  1. I read first para, I went berserk. "pickleope babysitting, wht do I do, ACS, ACS number , oh my, oh my..children, children, children". Then I read the whole post, you stole my journal and you had been stalking me entire school life.
    snorting cayenne pepper., he gotto lick it raw and take loarding and lodging in public restroom, if own home, you may never be able to sell it off.
    But your post about school doesn't sound like magical place? Like in movies where every college is portrayed as frat party and wonderful place filled with young people who live to have sex all day and all night and live to goof around?

  2. Hahahah I think your advice about college was spot on. I wish I woulda gotten this lesson as a kid! (An older kid. Reduces trauma).

  3. Oh the American system just seems weird, what's the point of going to college if you end up in mc donalds anyway because you can't pay back your student off to my spice rack

  4. This is absolutely perfect. And I LOVE Tim O' Brien.

    Now I must go watch hours of video of idiots snorting cayenne pepper.

  5. Sounds great! Tell it like it is! They'll go to school with more knowledge now then they'd learn in school!

  6. Wow, it was like reading a memoir of my life. Act stupid in college, get mediocre dead-end job, and stress about financial income until the day I have a stroke.

    Bah, whatever. There's always yelling at strangers to look forward to when I'm like 90 years old or something. Hilarious post, by the way!

  7. I think you actually did a pretty good job there teaching those kids. I would love you to teach any kids I might have eventually.

  8. Shit...mother's day is this weekend? Guess I know what the kids and I are doing...

  9. This is why I attended a private Ivy League college and stayed out of public universities. Most of the students are lower than pond scum and academically there isn't enough to challenge in inbred chimpanzee.

    1. I'm not even allowed to call my students lower than pond scum or they'll sue me...

  10. I'm pretty sure I just need to draw up the papers to have you be our God Pickle, to take over the rearing of my offspring should I run away from home. Clearly they would be in the best hands imaginable.

  11. 'give sub-par sexual favors in exchange for canned Vienna sausages.' That line tickled me pink... and gave me a boner.

    If I had children, I think you would qualify quite nicely as their teacher. You could teach them the reality and unreality of life, simultaneously. And with the delicate way you have with putting things, I'm sure your info will be easily digestible to those young sponge-like minds. Yessiree!

    But thankfully, I have no children and you can't teach them shit. Even if I did have a little hellion, it would likely kill everyone in the classroom with plastic sporks and no.2 pencils in the eye. If I had children, I would be a great parent. :)

  12. And Charlie Brown is on downers, again, I see. Good for him.

  13. Ugh.

    The horror. The horror of financial oblivion.

    It's like a deep-set, yawning maw, a Sarlacc pit of despair and desolation.

    True story.

  14. College was not at all like that for me. I watched movies about college life, and had very high expectations that were never met. My naughty bits were well-hidden, as no one cared to see what my mother gave me. I had two jobs, and every boyfriend that was dumb enough to date me played D&D in his spare time.

  15. Private school is where rich people's children go as long as they're white. Or green or blue, of course. I love canned Vienna sausages. Oh wait, I'm a veggie person. I'm so disappointed now.

    So that's what loans are! I was wondering where all my money went. Thank you for educating me. I feel so much more mature now.

  16. Never mind the kids, I think I learned something from this presentation. So, if the number of molestations is so high, why wasn't molested? I must have been an ugly child...

  17. Hey, someone has to teach these kids how the world works. I'm surprised you didn't bring in the courtroom "where did they touch you" rape doll to show them exactly where it's going to happen.

    Also, they're giving out Vienna Sausages in exchange for sexual favors now? And all this time I've just been giving it away to my wife like a chump. For shame.

    1. What are you doing giving up the sexing for free!?! You could be swimming in a vat of mini weiners (like John Travolta! Thank you, thank you.)!