Now, I'm an insecure mental child who needs the approval of an employer and when I screw something up/crap up life, I need the paycheck to act as the parental approval/dad that talks to the neighborhood bully. The only problem with that metaphor is that, if employers are my parental figure, I'm the orphan tossed from foster home to foster home (this is a function of circumstance, not that I'm a bad employee, I'm actually quite good. Good for morale too...OH GOD, PLEASE HIRE ME!).
Hence, it's time to stop job-hopping and focus on a career. But that's a lot of pressure. Rather than fall into something, I've decided to assess my options. Here are but a few:
Main duties: Bite heads off animals or display some sort of freakish quality.
Qualifications: Dude, check out my feet.
Pros: See the world! Easy access to meth, general oddity, low general expenses.
Con: Easy access to meth, life is sad when the oddity becomes mundane, no retirement plan, tiger piss (I heard that everyone who works near a tiger has been urinated upon, it's the tiger's only defense mechanism and aggressive act when confined. Remember that next time you go to the circus.).
|Wait a second, I'm the only one authorized to do food/animal hybrids! Sue! On the other hand, if I can commission that artist, all is forgiven. Source.|
Main duties: Write stuff.
Qualifications: I write stuff.
Pros: Writing stuff.
Cons: People get paid for this nonsense?!? No patience for a full book, I hate editing, and tiger piss (seriously, have you tried to write a book? It happens around chapter 8, you're typing and out of nowhere, BOOM! Tiger wee.).
Main duties: Not sure. Poke fish? Super-hug cephalopods?
Qualifications: A deep, abiding love of tentacled creatures and a healthy fear of all else. Oh, and curiosity of what happens to whale poo.
Pros: Every day is a beach day.
Cons: I might encounter dolphins...rapey, rapey dolphins.
Nope, nevermind, I'm an unrepentant coward, move on.
Main duties: Clean wounds and bedpans.
Qualifications: A mountain of anatomy and poo jokes. Uh, I know what Frontotemporal Dementia is? I have an encyclopedic knowledge of anuses?
Pros: Save lives. Serve the greater good.
Cons: Anuses and all that come with 'em.
Main duties: Sit around creative types and explore whimsy.
Qualifications: If you've read any of my inane/insane scribblings, you know I'm filled with a general madness that translates well to muse-iness.
Pros: Whole lotta do nothing, getting paid to think about that which lacks consequence, inspiration for greatness.
Cons: Not actually achieving or creating anything myself, getting frustrated when the "artist" screws up my "vision," you probably have to have sex with someone in order to get 2% of the pay the writer gets.
Speaking of which...
Main duties: Hang out on your back and pretend to be somewhere else, constant mouth rinsing.
Qualifications: Lots of mental practice getting screwed daily in inventive emotional positions
Pros: Helping my fellow man, high pay, make my own hours, possibly meet famous people like Snoop Dogg and probably 70% of any country's legislature.
Cons: I'm the type of person who would have to pay for sex...just kidding, I'm f***ing gorgeous. It's a parade of skeezy guys and you KNOW they don't shower up first. It's hard to explain this as a dedicated income source to a loan officer or on a tax form.
Your career suggestions are welcomed.