I’ve noticed that many people over the age of 75 feel less wanted, loved or relevant. This is a tragedy.
I love the elderly. LOVE people with that much life experience and so many fun stories or emotionally resonant tales told with the clarity of someone facing their looming expiration. Also, you can never be quite sure when an old person is telling you a story if he/she is pooping at that very moment.
The problem is they are our forgotten people. I get it, no one wants to deal with their parents all day so we toss them into crappy home. But once they get discarded, old people feel it. Did you know that, that old people feel? I had no idea. Until I talked to one, you know, one of the Olds. It’s terrifying. Freaky. How can they talk through all those jowls?
Once they are discarded, it appears like the Olds take it out on society by driving terribly, being a nightmare in any retail establishment, and calling the cops at 9:00 on a Friday when you young’ns are having a party.
I think the problem is, once anything dangling betwixt your walking sticks gets dusty, you feel unloved. So, despite the prevalence of granny porn (doubt me? Google it, and good luck scrubbing your retinas) many of our elders feel unloved.
My hypothesis is that we all want to feel sexually desirable no matter our age.
Therefore, what I am doing, and what I suggest EVERYONE do to help society is go to a retirement home and start grabbing some butts. No, not just a good-sportsman like slap, a handful. Get up in there and squeeze a handful of booty.
|Y' get it? See what he's doing there? Ugh, fine, let me spell it out: LOOK AT THAT KID GRABBING ASS! Whew, here's your source for puntastic punery..|
As a young person, sure, you feel violated when you get your butt grabbed, but as a person over 70, if you get your butt grabbed, there may be a momentary shock. But that shock will be followed by a cathartic feeling of sexiness. Yeah you’re a sexual being, Gertrude. Nice gams, Beatrice. Mmmm, everyday you’re shuffling, I can tell, Eunice.
Keep in mind, this is the infantile stage of my old-person seduction plan, but soon, as this plan grows and spreads, I envision old people proms or just old people dance party. Then we all feel vital, young and not be so damn annoying at a supermarket.
I love you, Olds. You need some wrinkle rocking? I got your hookup.