I’ve noticed that many people over the age of 75 feel less
wanted, loved or relevant. This is a tragedy.
I love the elderly. LOVE people with that much life
experience and so many fun stories or emotionally resonant tales told with the
clarity of someone facing their looming expiration. Also, you can never be
quite sure when an old person is telling you a story if he/she is pooping at
that very moment.
The problem is they are our forgotten people. I get it, no
one wants to deal with their parents all day so we toss them into crappy home.
But once they get discarded, old people feel it. Did you know that, that old
people feel? I had no idea. Until I talked to one, you know, one of the Olds.
It’s terrifying. Freaky. How can they talk through all those jowls?
Once they are discarded, it appears like the Olds take it
out on society by driving terribly, being a nightmare in any retail
establishment, and calling the cops at 9:00 on a Friday when you young’ns are having
a party.
I think the problem is, once anything dangling betwixt your
walking sticks gets dusty, you feel unloved. So, despite the prevalence of
granny porn (doubt me? Google it, and good luck scrubbing your retinas) many of
our elders feel unloved.
My hypothesis is that we all want to feel sexually desirable
no matter our age.
Therefore, what I am doing, and what I suggest EVERYONE do
to help society is go to a retirement home and start grabbing some butts. No, not
just a good-sportsman like slap, a handful. Get up in there and squeeze a
handful of booty.
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| Y' get it? See what he's doing there? Ugh, fine, let me spell it out: LOOK AT THAT KID GRABBING ASS! Whew, here's your source for puntastic punery.. |
As a young person, sure, you feel violated when you get your
butt grabbed, but as a person over 70, if you get your butt grabbed, there may
be a momentary shock. But that shock will be followed by a cathartic feeling of
sexiness. Yeah you’re a sexual being, Gertrude. Nice gams, Beatrice. Mmmm,
everyday you’re shuffling, I can tell, Eunice.
Keep in mind, this is the infantile stage of my old-person
seduction plan, but soon, as this plan grows and spreads, I envision old people proms or just old people dance party. Then we all feel
vital, young and not be so damn annoying at a supermarket.
I love you, Olds. You need some wrinkle rocking? I got your
hookup.
I think it's a good plan, actually. You should be the one to test it out. Report back to us on your results, good sir.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit suspicious of the elderly ... not because I have anything against old people, but because I'm well aware of the fact that with our ageing population and reduced birth rates, very soon they're going to outnumber us. Think about it! They could state a coup and we'd never be able to stop them! Radio stations would all start playing easy listening 24/7, restaurants wouldn't serve dinner after 5.30pm ... although I think I could get behind the motorised scooters.
ReplyDeleteIt's odd that we've both written something about old people on the same day. Perhaps we should set up some kind of organisation like an OAP fan club. We could call ourselves the Wrinkle Sympathisers.
ReplyDeleteDid you see a grey hair in the morning or a photo of yours with wrinkles around eyes and lips?
ReplyDeleteDont worry, this is called crisis, start off with prebooking cemetry and senior living and make sure your bank balance is enough, I wouldnt count on SSN money or medicare.
The problem with old people, say you want to help them cross the road, around the middle of the road, they may start slapping you mistaking you for a thief to steal their dentures forgetting the fact that from other end of the roadd you picked them up.
Alzheimers, Blindness, Deafness - these kinda get attached like bias intimidation laws over the senility charge, which makes it worse and scary and makes us run for life. Smell maynt be much driving factor.
Wow. A soft spot for the elderly, eh? Who knew? Right, so off to grasp the buttocks of an elderly gal right now. Think I'll start at Walgreens this morning. Maybe best to stay out of the security camera view - just in case anything goes south on me.
ReplyDeleteHelp, I need advice. I'd like to grab an elderly person's butt, but they're usually wearing robes that are fastened in the front. How do I undo the robe and allow myself access to the back area without implying I want the front area too?
ReplyDeleteStart with over-the-clothes before direct hand-on-aged-leather action. Because if you want direct contact you may have to unlatch a diaper. Start slow. It's all about the romance.
DeleteYou know, I think that really might help the old folks feel good. I think a lot of people want to feel sexually desired no matter their age, and this could be the first step on a long road to everyone loving their elders again.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma is starting to feel like that ever since she almost died of a heart attack. A close look at death made her more wanting to be around people. But most of her family lives a bit far away, so it's a bit unfortunate.
ReplyDeleteI have always loved old folks. Even when they're grumpy I'm like, "Motherfuckers have earned the right." Hell, online dating makes me a grumpy 90 year old.
ReplyDeleteHell, ass is ass. I'd gladly grab a handful of those sopping water balloons they call butt cheeks. Especially if it means making an Old feel desired.
ReplyDeleteOnce again you point out a travesty in our country and show us the way to fix it. Why aren't you the president?
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm really proud of you. Seriously. This is a great public service message and a fabulous start to a community service project.
On my recent visit to the family, I was invited to join the weekly card game with The Sisters. (My Mimi, two of her sisters, their SIL and two more lovely ladies.)
ReplyDeleteI was the only woman at the table under the age of 80. It was friggin awesome!!
I was smart enough to ask for advice or words of wisdom for living so long, having a good marriage and raising a family. They said "Don't get caught."
My grandparents (76 and 82) still play grabass with each other. I know. I've walked in on it. You think granny porn on the internet is bad? Try granny porn in the next room as you.
ReplyDeleteLegit public service announcment. I'ma let someone else deal with the Olds though. In just this one way I do not like extremes... no Olds, no babies.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if they get offended and feel like they've been assaulted, you can give them a fake name, and they probably can't give the cops a good enough description to really catch you.
ReplyDelete"You remember Edith's neighbor's nephew? The one with the lisp who married the Czech girl? The young man who grabbed my rear reminded me of HIM."
Ladies and gentlemen, can I hear a round of applause for the description from Katy? Top effort.
Delete"Granny porn" and "wrinkle rocking". I am equally afraid of both.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what to say. Umm...have fun!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure most old people are just hell bent on winding the rest of society up... after all what have the modern generation done? No great wars, or technological advancements, we can't even put a man on the moon these days...
ReplyDeleteI love Olds in a very naughty way, but they've never once loved me back. Grandfathers just don't want to date me. I find older men very sexy. Harrison Ford is one of the sexiest men alive, and he is at lest 200 years old.
ReplyDeleteOnce they get discarded, old people feel it. Ain't that the truth. And one day, heaven forbid, it's our turn. Happy birthday to me... I'm 42 now. It's official. Tye same age Elvis was when he died. That can't be good. But you were talking about 75, right?
ReplyDeleteI've been told that old ladies like to look at young men's butts and they get all juicy between their age-spotted, wrinkled thighs. Wow! Just thinkin' of those elderly females is forcing me to sport some mighty fine middle aged wood.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Sounds like great advice! Heck maybe the old people will give me candy after I fondle their bums! Young folk like candy!
ReplyDeleteI worked at a nursing home for a couple of years. I had a blast. It takes so little attention to make them happy. I was always getting in trouble with the uptight bitch that ran the place. For telling an off-color joke, or asking one of them if they farted among other horrible things that I would do, just to see them laugh! The last time the "bitch" wrote me up, again, I QUIT! I still miss most of them!
ReplyDelete