Toss That Monkey's Salad!

This one might fall under the purview of "Not Safe For Work." So I'll throw the adult warning in here. 

Also, a big thank you to Kianwi of Simply She Goes for sharing this story with me.  


The following is from a story on MSN Now:
"Earlier this month, Zhang Bangshen, monkey caretaker at the Wuhan Zoo in China, noticed that one of the monkeys under his charge, a rare 3-month-old Francois' langur, also known as a leaf monkey, had indigestion. The problem started when a tourist tossed a peanut to the tiny toothless creature, who swallowed it whole. To get the monkey to defecate, Bangsheng washed its buttocks and then began to lick its rear end. This went on for more than an hour, until the monkey expelled the offending peanut. Bangshen reported laughed with satisfaction after his strategy worked."

Look at the the mix of pleasure and shame on that poor monkey's face. I have that same look every time I click  the "Publish" button. This blog is my zookeeper's tongue. Oh my god, deep, personal revelations!

Let that story soak in a bit. Now, I love monkeys. LOVE 'em. Who doesn't? Well, other than that lady who got her face ripped off by a primate (I know, that was an ape, not a monkey, but still, wouldn't you hate all hairy knuckle-walkers whether they had a tail or not, including all of New Jersey?). But I don't like monkeys so much that I would give one a rim job. 

To my knowledge, monkeys aren't great wipers. Even if he polished that lil' monkey butt (my rap name) cleaner than a Ferrari owned by a 45 year old man with a micro-penis, he's still going to miss some cracks and crevasses (oh yeah, pun completely intended). 

How many options did Zhang go through before deciding, "well, let me chew some gum so I can work up enough saliva to lather this monkey butt like a giant envelope." Did he try a sponge? A tiny paint brush and a cup of water? Peanut butter and a dog? Why not a shower head with a massage feature? Or, and this may be a crazy suggestion, but how about YOUR FINGER AND SOME LUBE!?! Who jumps straight to tongue-on-inter-species-anus?

Also, he's licking it with the express intent of having it poop. This is more dangerous than siphoning gas. That monkey's not too big, if he's so serious, why not just grab that monkey and suck the peanut out? Or act like you're making out with it and blow as hard as you can until the peanut rockets out the other end. 

They cut out the next scene where Charlton Heston turns that ape around and later hacks up a hairball. 

Then there's the problem that he licked it for an HOUR! I can't do anything for an hour without getting bored. If I'm licking a lollipop, that thing's getting bitten after the first two minutes. How does he keep his tongue moist? My guess is monkey-gland emissions. 

The article doesn't explain if he cleared this with zoo officials, or if he dove at that monkey butt with an urgency of a lifeguard rescuing a child. "Everybody back away! This monkey needs its anus licked stat!" 

"Oh yeah, that gets the colon quivering." Source

Was it even necessary? I dare him to show me in the zoological text book where it states "to cure an infant monkey of constipation, the preferred solutions is slurping butt." Why not feed the little guy some coffee and Metamucil? Or teach it to smoke a cigarette? 

It certainly makes me feel like proctologists aren't doing nearly enough for their patients. 

I'll take my Pulitzer now, thank you.