A Tribute to My Boring Life

My life is blessedly boring. Isn't that what we all kind of aspire for, lack of excitement? Excitement either means your life is so empty you have to go searching for something to fill that gaping void where a personality and love and meaningful relationships would go, OR you aren't sure if you're going to be able to pay rent so the first of the month ought to be exciting.

No, not this blog, this blog is funny. My life is boring. Wait, where are you going? Source

Not me! No, my life is so gloriously boring, I got a thrill from collecting cardboard boxes. Yeah.
As many of you may know, I'm moving at the end of the month and thus, need boxes. I refuse to pay for boxes when there are plenty of places out there just throwing them out, like they're garbage! I know, can you believe it?

So, I went around the backs of buildings and started pillaging cardboard. It felt like I was doing something wrong. Like I was stealing. My heart raced as I looked back and forth before putting them in the trunk of my car and giggled maniacally as I drove off.

~Tangent Warning~
Why is it that the pronunciation of the word "maniac" gets thrown into upheaval when the simple letters "a" and "l" are added to it? Main-E-ack becomes Muh-nigh-uh-cull.  Man, language, am I right guys?
~Tangent where I tried out my new Seinfeld-ian bit now comes to a close~

And this was on my lunch hour. I had to go back to work after that! How do they expect me to go back to being shackled to a desk after suckling at the teat of life?

At first I thought, "wow, what a pathetic loser." And I contemplated doing something to make life a little more exciting, like taking bath salts, then I remembered that every story I've ever heard about bath salts involves spontaneous nudity and cannibalism. Also, I'm too boring to know where to get good drugs, the best I'm going to do is stealing my neighbor's kid's Ritalin.

If there were marshmallows in it, I'd eat it. Source.

Then I thought, "this is awesome." If it takes so little to give me a thrill, I live a life of sweet comfort. I don't have to worry about Kony snatching my imaginary children and turning them into mercenaries. I don't have to worry that I might not eat tonight, quite the opposite in fact, I have to worry my gluttonous arse is going to eat too much. HA HA HA HA HA! Take that kid who has to be a drug mule just so the cartel won't slaughter his pregnant mom, my biggest thrill was taking other people's trash! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, I have money problems like everyone else, but they're minor in comparison to, for example, a guy with a gambling addiction who just used his wife to pay off the Russian gangsters to whom he's indebted.

I'm lucky that my thrills involve taking a second free sample at the supermarket or trying one of the loose candies before purchasing, or if my neighbor's junk mail is accidentally delivered to me, I open it! That's right, I open it! Come get me g-men!

If one day you feel the weight of boredom squatting on your head like a sumo wrestler in a thong who just ran a half-marathon in a wool jogging suit while eating bowls of curry, I recommend stealing something. Or really, just taking something without asking.


Also, happy anniversary to the person who makes me feel loved every day and keeps this boring ass so blissfully happy. Every moment with you is just as exciting as the first time we danced together, the first time we kissed, and the first time you said "I love you."