September is coming soon, the ninth month, and there's no more hiding that creature luxuriating in the abyss of loneliness you call a womb. Unfortunately, many people choose an awkward time to announce the pending expulsion of the carnivorous human embodiment of insatiable gormandizing.Allow me to help you avoid the social pitfalls of blurting out your tummy-expansion by ensuring we all know when NOT to announce a pregnancy.
During a breakup:
Definitely don't use a pregnancy to win an argument or desperately cling to a failed relationship. If you find yourself saying the following, start saving for that child's therapy, not college:
"WELL YOU'RE SO STUPID YOU COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PULL OUT AND NOW WE'RE HAVING A BABY!"
Whilst buying drugs:
If you're buying drugs from a dealer, you probably have more problems than when to explain you're pregnant, but really, don't ask for a discount from a drug dealer because you're pregnant. "Can I get like a two-for-one special, like the kid rides for free thing. You know, like on airplanes." Yeah, if you say that, it would be embarrassing to say the least.
At a bar:
"Hey, this is almost as big as the baby I'm going to have!" Or "This is great practice for when I poop out my baby."
You're welcome for not illustrating that one.
At someone else's baby shower:
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| Can you guess who didn't have time to properly draw something? |
On stage "dancing"
Unless you're a ballerina, you really don't want to announce a pregnancy then ask for tips.
"Hey baby, if you get a lapdance from me, it's like you're getting two for the price of one." Yeah, no one wants that.
Right before going to sleep:
Playing Bingo:
Since only the elderly play Bingo, this would be pretty difficult, but really, everyone is concentrating on the letter/number thing and doesn't need your head trip. Bingo is a place to discuss grandchildren, not pending children.
"I know, I didn't think it was medically possible either with ovaries as shriveled and petrified as mine."
No, I won't even half-ass illustrate the idea of an elderly pregnant woman. I think the mental image of the initial conception is good enough, don't you?
Whilst watching The Dark Knight Rises
There you have it, a few ways not to spring a pregnancy on someone. If you have some suggestions of circumstances I've missed, I'd love to read about them in the comments.
I take the mickey out of the Hubby's family and my family all the time. Every couple of years at a family gathering I'll stop people in the middle of talking and say "I have an announcement to make. I'm pregnant." The looks of horror on their faces is priceless. The older I get, the better this prank gets. I'll even call one of my sisters up on a whim and say "I need to talk and it's serious. I'm pregnant, don't tell anyone."
ReplyDeleteHahahaha I'll keep those in mind. Love the illustrations!
ReplyDeleteNow that is the stuff of nightmares right there. There will be no pregnancies in this house in the foreseeable future.
ReplyDeleteIt's even worse if you're a man and you announce your pregnant.
ReplyDelete"If Arnie can do it, so can I!"
The girl in the theater has some really weird hair. I wonder how many people got pregnant in December and January just so they'd know when it was due now.
ReplyDeleteSo, based on these scenarios, what you're saying is that there isn't really a good time for someone to announce a pregnancy?
ReplyDeleteI'd argue there's no good time to BE pregnant.
DeleteOr.....
ReplyDeleteOn your way out the door while heading back to college.
That loud thumping sound you hear?
The sound of Dad hitting the floor.
The Bingo one reminded me of the scary stories my friend who helps out a nearby Bingo parlor told me. *shiver*
ReplyDeleteI would comment more but all I can concentrate on is that scary brown wiry afro that looks like a brillo pad.
Are you trying to tell us something?
ReplyDeleteI am with Josh. Why this topic, exactly??
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree, those are all inopportune moments.
p.s. I love when you draw :)
Telling the groom at the altar? Particularly if you are one of the bridesmaids?
ReplyDeleteMy wife told me that we were expecting when I was eating fried placenta. Does that qualify? Just wondering.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is the yellow bow tie stuck to the back of the head. Still better than Mr. Pollock's paintings though.
ReplyDeleteOh. And I've played Bingo. And I still have two functioning ovaries thank you very much.
Sort of.
While playing scrabble:P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T Y.O.U. D.A.D.D.Y. P.I.C.K.L.E.O.P.E.
ReplyDeleteTwo years after a vasectomy is a pretty bad time to be told.
ReplyDeleteI would think that NOT ANNOUNCING your pregnant with the little life leech would be during a rock concert. It would be significantly difficult to be heard over the million decibels of a live rock concert. Besides, if you get to persistent and start grabbing people to garner their attention in order to tell them you're preggos with "hairless monkey", they might kick you in the belly.
ReplyDeleteI never wanted a baby, but now I do. A few of them. Thanks to your blog, I am going to ruin my life, and the lives of a few strangers I will meet at a bar. I plan on telling these strangers that they knocked me up in the worst way possible. I am also smoking while pregnant.
ReplyDeleteDually noted. Probably not a problem I will encouter tho ;-D
ReplyDelete