You all know how to blog, and you all have your own
personal style, but before you write a blog to give tips to other
bloggers about blogging, take my advice on how to give advice before
your blog about blogging underblogs the blogs who have been blogging a
long time and...ah crap, I forgot what I was blogging about...Oh, that's right! How to blog about blogging.
Condescension is Key!
If you aren't coming from an authoritative position, no one is going to take your advice, and the only way I know of to be authoritative is to think of everyone else like you're patting them on the head and feeding them a biscuit.
And why not? You've been writing regular blog posts for two or three months now; you follow 2,000 other blogs hoping to get a percentage of them to follow you back and artificially grow your follower list; you have a routine of checking your stats three times per day; which all means you obviously know more than Mr./Mrs. 30 Followers, right? Why should you reduce yourself to talking to them like people when you hold the secrets of the precious followers they desperately crave like starving, mewling kittens? Look at them with their dumb labels and no regular, alliterative feature like "Friday Fun" or "Tasty Tuesdays", ha ha ha ha! They probably don't even know what the A-Z Challenge is! They think they're people!
Give Problems, Do NOT Give Solutions.
Doing anything breeds a bit of contempt, and blogging is no different. Let's open up that rage window and air out them grievances. Get those goblins out in the form of poorly crafted spite-sentences. Captcha? Huge blocks of text without paragraph breaks? Confusing "your" and "you're"? C'mon, how are these dummies going to know how dumb they are for making mistakes with their hobby if you don't point it out to them?
Ugh, Fine, You Insist On Imparting Actual Tips...
So you feel like you can help other people be as successful as you at giving away free content on the web. I guess you're right, those dumb dummies will never grow and evolve simply by reading other blogs and through practice, so it's up to you. Give out just enough advice that the same people have given before. NOTHING ORIGINAL! You know, "guest posts," "keep it brief," "know what you want out of blogging," "build a community--blah blah blah" you've probably heard them all before. But guess what, it's YOUR turn!
Everyone thinks they've figured it out, but not until they blog about blogging do you actually have it figured out.
But don't take advice from me. I've never blogged about blogging, just blogged about blogging about blogging. Maybe I should blog about blogging about blogging about blogging. WHY DO YOU ELUDE ME, MOMMA WISDOM!?!?!
Post Script: If you say the word "blog" enough, it starts to sound like the noise Pac-Man makes eating those pearl things.
Double Reverse Post Script: Please understand this "snake eating its own tail" metaphor was intended as parody.
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If you aren't coming from an authoritative position, no one is going to take your advice, and the only way I know of to be authoritative is to think of everyone else like you're patting them on the head and feeding them a biscuit.
And why not? You've been writing regular blog posts for two or three months now; you follow 2,000 other blogs hoping to get a percentage of them to follow you back and artificially grow your follower list; you have a routine of checking your stats three times per day; which all means you obviously know more than Mr./Mrs. 30 Followers, right? Why should you reduce yourself to talking to them like people when you hold the secrets of the precious followers they desperately crave like starving, mewling kittens? Look at them with their dumb labels and no regular, alliterative feature like "Friday Fun" or "Tasty Tuesdays", ha ha ha ha! They probably don't even know what the A-Z Challenge is! They think they're people!
Give Problems, Do NOT Give Solutions.
Doing anything breeds a bit of contempt, and blogging is no different. Let's open up that rage window and air out them grievances. Get those goblins out in the form of poorly crafted spite-sentences. Captcha? Huge blocks of text without paragraph breaks? Confusing "your" and "you're"? C'mon, how are these dummies going to know how dumb they are for making mistakes with their hobby if you don't point it out to them?
Ugh, Fine, You Insist On Imparting Actual Tips...
So you feel like you can help other people be as successful as you at giving away free content on the web. I guess you're right, those dumb dummies will never grow and evolve simply by reading other blogs and through practice, so it's up to you. Give out just enough advice that the same people have given before. NOTHING ORIGINAL! You know, "guest posts," "keep it brief," "know what you want out of blogging," "build a community--blah blah blah" you've probably heard them all before. But guess what, it's YOUR turn!
Everyone thinks they've figured it out, but not until they blog about blogging do you actually have it figured out.
 |
| Source |
But don't take advice from me. I've never blogged about blogging, just blogged about blogging about blogging. Maybe I should blog about blogging about blogging about blogging. WHY DO YOU ELUDE ME, MOMMA WISDOM!?!?!
Post Script: If you say the word "blog" enough, it starts to sound like the noise Pac-Man makes eating those pearl things.
Double Reverse Post Script: Please understand this "snake eating its own tail" metaphor was intended as parody.
These are actually pretty useful tips but I just don't have it in me to be condescending and looking down at people.
ReplyDeleteI need all the tips I can get. Thanks oh wise one!
ReplyDelete"Condescension" is that time of the month for me. This post is just not for blogging but applicable to everything.
ReplyDelete"f you aren't coming from an authoritative position, no one is going to take your advice" - True that, carve it in gold. Carve it in gold.
See, these volunteers who give advice for free, could volunteer something else, instead they look like the missing link from that jackass clan.
Blog blog blog blog blog blog. Yep. It does sound like that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've never really read a unique (or not totally obvious) blogging tip. But there certainly are a lot of articles devoted to it.
This post makes me want to create a "How To" blog with the WORST tips imaginable, but passing them off as pro-tips.
ReplyDeleteThings like "Dump 16 or 17 really long and text-heavy blog posts onto your readers at the same time and then disappear for 6 months. This makes readers get to know you during your absence, as they dive into your 30-page entries about the intricacies of a vaguely-referenced home project you've got going or your ongoing relationship with someone known only as 'You Know Who'. Readers love that shit."
Tip #2: Spend most of your blog posts either apologizing for not blogging enough or getting angry at readers for their lack of comments.
Tip #3: Spend most of your blogs complaining about blogs that are more obscure than your own.
You forgot shameless, endless self promotion:
ReplyDeleteTweet it, Google+ it, facebook it, Stumble Upon it...do what ever it takes to make sure you are read by the masses!!!!
Oh and there my favorite...the people who leave a link to their blog in their comments.
Goobers.
Thank jelly beans, I only want you four or five hilarious souls over at my lil' hole in the wall blog. No sign on the door at my place, I'm much too cool.
Blog tips are almost as annoying as everyone who wanted to give me "dating site" tips. Yeah, you've been on a dating stie for five years and you're single? Hells to the yeah I need to know your secrets!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure which is better Pickleope, the blog post itself or the tags. Both are great!
ReplyDeleteSince I've been blogging for more than three or four months (fine, if you must know, a year and one half), I condescendingly say "I abhor those who confuse your and you're and if I do it myself, whether it be on my blog or in my comments, it's intentional."
Hope you're week is better than you're weekend was, Pickleope =)
I find myself being more authoritative now in my posts as well. Makes you seem like an expert in the field and hopefully more readers will come to listen to you then.
ReplyDeleteAfter a year of blogging I still feel like a newbie, but I've learned more from watching how experienced bloggers go about doing things than by reading about "how to blog"
ReplyDeleteI've been looked down on by the best of them and been snubbed by the worst of them and I don't give a shit. I'm having fun and that's what it's all about. That and the desperate need for self validation.
I began blogging to amass great fortune but that didn't pan out. Now, I do it half assedly and pray that if I wait long enough, I will sign on to Blogger and find my account missing. I do enjoy commenting and have thought seriously about becoming a professional comment-or.
ReplyDeleteAs a brand new blogger, I just can't even let myself think about how green I must seem. I don't have a clue what I'm doing, but I'm still having a great time posting and reading other blogs. I can't see myself following a lot of tips in an article, because then it would be more like work and not fun anymore...which would defeat the whole point.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, though, if anyone sees me making some glaring errors, feel free to point it out! I don't want to seem like a complete fool...just a partial one will be sufficient :)
I like to say the word blog as its own language. Like, I'll got up to Eddie and be all "Blog Blog Bloggity blog. Blogging blog!!"
ReplyDeleteHe usually ignores me. Probably because he speaks blog and knows I just blogged him out.
Hugs!
Valerie
Perhaps you can tweet about blogging about blogging?
ReplyDeleteThis was so much fun to read out loud. I have to do that at least an hour a day. The doctor said it would help with my lisp, and he should know because his wife is a speech therapist. And, you're right, if you say "blog" enough, it does sound like the noise Pac-Man makes when eating his dumb pellets.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is don't leave comments on a blog written by a dominatrix unless you're one of her clients.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I can speak from personal experience: To sound condescending, all you gotta do is speak the truth.
ReplyDeleteI am painfully honest, from the perspective on an IT guy, and for some reason, I'm called condescending.
Well, so be it. :)
It might be the tone. For example, "Try hitting this, this and this button," is better than, "Ugh, have you TRIED doing the most obvious thing in the world?"
DeleteThis is my comment on commenting. You gotta make the comment relivent to the blog, or not. Dolphins lepricans donkey!
ReplyDeleteAnd your comment should be funny or boring, I love boring stuff. And your comment should be directed at the blogger or someone else or just be vauge.
Or you could leave no comment.
You big dumb dummies! My favorite.
ReplyDeleteThe word blog has always sounded to me like you're vomiting up a venereal disease of some sort. It's such an unattractive word. Right up there with moist, in my book.
Exeptional job not blogging about blogging, as you blogged about blogging about blogging. While it could technically be covered under the Condescension topic, I really feel that sarcasm deserves a notable mention in blogging about blogging about blogging.
ReplyDeleteBut does sarcasm really work in print? You'd have to be a SUPER skilled writer of the beeeEeEEEEst, most acute skills to do it right.
DeleteSee that, I tried, best I could do.
A for effort.
DeleteLearning after all these years! I am through looking for solutions...heck, solve the problem yourself! And I have enough problems to keep me writing for years.
ReplyDeleteb