Free Fred Willard

WARNING! Imagery of old dudes masturbating abound below. You have been warned.

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Fred Willard, 72 year old movie and television star, was arrested for supposedly masturbating in an adult movie theater in Los Angeles.
If that sentence doesn't tell you that this is NSFW, I don't know what will.

The part about that which makes the least amount of sense is, there are still adult theaters out there? The music industry is struggling, but adult theaters are still drawing in people? And then, with these small businesses struggling to keep their doors open, with entrepreneurs panicking about if they'll have to shutter their doors or sellout to heartless corporations, authorities still see fit to send police officers to patrol for paying customers doing what comes naturally in a porn theater?

Yes, it's really weird that Fred doesn't understand the concept of at-home internet, but he is in his 70's. Have you tried to teach your parents how to use email, let alone how not to get a virus randomly clicking porn links? You can't expect a man with probably 60 years of masturbation experience, a 50 year pre-internet, veteran masturbator to change his habits. In fact, he should be heralded for his refusal to cut himself off from humanity. He refused to indulge in cyber-eroticism, this fetishization of the separation between humans and our primal urges. No, Fred Willard insisted on getting in touch with primal urges in a primitive way, by sitting in a theater and tickling his ivory to big screen smut like they did in the old days, like the way your dad probably did!

I support the idea of the police, but when they do things like this, how much good-will do they expect to engender? What must have those officers done to get bumped down to masturbation patrol? Obviously this is why people get into law enforcement, to make sure people aren't masturbating in the exact area designed to entice men to masturbate.
"Did you make the world safer, honey?"
"Absolutely, I caught a 70 year old man feebly trying to coax pleasure out of his fossilized noodle."
"Thank you, honey, thank you for making it okay for our children to play around an inside designated masturbation theaters. My hero."

Remember when Pee-wee Herman (Paul Reubens) was arrested for the same thing? Do police officers not know when turning their heads serves as much if not MORE public good than getting all taser-and-cuff happy? Maybe let the embarrassment of being caught, privately sink in and serve as a private lesson in humiliation. Pee-wee and Fred might be the biggest donors to the police if they just would have let them tuck their pieces away and walk out red-faced.

Source...nevermind, I guess the source is the Sarasota County Sheriff's Department.

The police are not serving their own good nor the public interest by patrolling spankatoriums catching people doing what's expected of them. Fred Willard could argue it's entrapment. They should probably arrest the guys sitting in that theater just creepily watching a porn movie, engrossed in the story.

As a result, Fred got fired from his Public Broadcasting System narration job, replaced by Mark Walberg. No, not Marky Mark, star of The Happening (never forget), but the former host of "Temptation Island." A show where he encouraged couples to date outside of their relationship. So much better. I'm so glad PBS protected my fragile ears from the guy who occasionally touches himself in favor of the guy who facilitated adultery. So much better. I feel my precious sensibilities are protected.

Then I remember, everyone who has EVER been on "Antiques Roadshow" has masturbated. Okay, well more like 85% of them have, but still, don't be hypocritical. Let me let you in on a little secret, LeVar Burton, one of my personal heroes, who practically raised me through Reading Rainbow, has masturbated, probably furiously, probably with another human being adding an assist. It doesn't diminish my love of him or the show. 

This man has a Grammy, a star on the Walk of Fame, Emmys, and a Peabody award, and guess what, he masturbates. Probably daily.

PBS would teach society a lot more by refraining from demonizing minor acts of sexuality than they ever could through another thousand hours of Ken Burns baseball documentaries. Free Fred Willard.