Pitchman to the Bizarre and Unnecessary

Yeah, I can sell a Billy Mays tattoo too! Source.

There has been a lasting void in the TV pitchman world since Billy Mays was poisoned by the Illuminati (allegedly). I shall fill that void. But super-cleaners and convoluted chopping things are child's play. I will only shill for the most useless and bizarre of contraptions. Bring me your bacon-flatteners, your baby-warmers, your ab-enhancing-gel, I shall sell it for you.

Here's my first attempt, just imagine someone shouting this at you:


Introducing the Koolatron Drive 'N' Grill (We're looking into a name change, how does Fatmatic grab you? Or maybe Grill-n-Go? Ugh, this is a bad start. You shouldn't question the name of the crap you're selling in the middle of the pitch, nor call it "crap," right? Promise I won't do that later.) For less than a tank of gas, you could be driving and dining. 
You shouldn't text and drive, but you can still multi-task with the Drive-and-Dine, sorry, Drive 'N' Grill (seriously, that was the best name they came up with?) It's great!

Why wait until you're in the parking lot to start tailgating? All that time spent in traffic is just more time for you and your friends to bond over burgers and beer (Koolatron does not recommend drinking more than three or eight beers while driving, you know, whatever makes you a better driver). 


Who wants to eat that messy "fast" food you get from a clown!?! NOT ME! The only thing I'll buy from a clown is balloons shaped like common domesticated animals. I am health and BUDGET conscious. I've converted my glove compartment into a freezer and now I have the space and budget to never leave my car. I can't! I'm homeless! And here's what it looks like! (Are we running low on exclamation points yet?!?)

I recognize the Spam and bread (I presume), but what are the yellow, red and green things?

Speaking of homeless, you can be homeless and buy this product, no money down, 0% per month because you are BUYING it right now with no obligation! How many times have you been sleeping in your car, wishing you had something to cook whatever that furry thing is you pulled out of the dumpster behind Fu's Queen Bee Yatch Noodle House? No more carpaccio! Or crap-pass-yo, right? Right? Am I right? For the low price of $39.99, less than it would cost for a night at a motel room, less than it would cost for a single meal at a sushi restaurant, you can have a full meal that's actually cooked! It pays for itself! It would cost nearly twice as much direct from the website because I'm bad at math! But for you, if you act now, can have it cheap! The freedom of road-grilling all for less than the cost of a Blu-Ray.


Good for camping, tailgating, when your spouse is mad at you, when you want to eat well at work, when you want to eat bad at home/anywhere, when you want to maximize your time, when you're a long-haul trucker, when you want an interesting burn scar without actual danger, when you have a car but want to "rough it," when you find that sweet sweet roadkill and don't want to waste anymore time, whenever you want good food that's cooked well, you need the Grillmatic Cartastic (dammit, I screwed it up right at the end, didn't I? Guess I'll blow out the rest of my exclamation points.)!!!!!!!!!!....!


(I also left them a review at the Walgreen's website. Cross your fingers for me. No, do it, I'm poor. Cross them, I need a job and it's dependent on crossed fingers!)


Thanks to Melanie over at Sporkgasm (aka "Sporkin' on Down the Road") for bringing this to my attention. As a "thank you" I felt it only appropriate to resurrect Friday Follower Focus.

We all know coleslaw is the food ideally suited for consumption with sporks. Click for full size. Look at her, sporkin on down the road. (See what I did there? Seriously, check out her blog, it's fun.)

With that, I must also divulge a Fun Fake Fact about Melanie: In addition to her affinity for the spork, the most magnificent of all utensils, she also likes duck-billed platypuses, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, Furries, basically anything that combines two disparate things.