Renewing My Green Card

On this, the most patriotic of all U.S. holidays, I am obligated, as a nebulous, non-pseudo-citizen of the U.S. to renew my green card. (Get it? Ya get it? On account of pickles being green? A pickle getting a green card? Wait...Wait, the horse isn't dead...ah crap, it's dead. I'll stop beating now.) In order to do so, I am forced to celebrate the 4th of July in the most patriotic way possible or risk getting this blog shut down and replaced with GIF of Glenn Beck square dancing with Guy Fieri.

 Hey, there's room for only ONE anthropomorphic phallic symbol here pal! Source

There are several ways I can choose to prove my patriotism, all of which involve wearing cargo shorts:

Stereotyped American
I have to go to a minor league baseball game where they'll release Native Americans covered in crude oil (don't worry, they're actually convicts dressed as racist stereotypes in exchange for a chance at a reduced sentence) and we have to shoot at them with our state-mandated guns whilst shot-gunning a beer and incorrectly singing the Star Spangled Banner and replacing "hello" with "John Wayne" (because "hello" has "hell" in it) and mainlining hot dogs through direct injection through my bellybutton or as a suppository.  


Hipster American
Drink a Grande Hot Dog Foam Skinny Hamburger Latte (ironic!) whilst punching a mime in the mouth (ironic, but also necessary), whilst playing rollerblade basketball with Judge Reinhold (slightly ironic but also the best story you or I will ever have), using "John Wayne" instead of "goodbye" (ironic in context!), and licking frozen Pabst mixed with blended hot dogs (not ironic at all, just delicious).

Source

Nerdy American
Read superhero comic books online whilst also pirating the Spider-Man movie, simultaneously sampling the soundtrack to make a new rap beat steeped in jazz/blues undertones then uploading it on Facebook, also making a vinyl release and a ringtone and an app, writing extensive treatises on how everything that has ever been on BBC is better than anything American, and eating molecular gastronomy hot dog cubes infused with Mountain Dew crystals. 


American Soccer Mom
Down a half-bottle of prescription drugs before sexing the youngest person with the worst profession possible then doping my children with a mix of video games and a steady dose of passive aggressive psychological mayhem, all while binge eating shrimp cocktails minutes prior to purging them.


Aye! Oh! American
No. Nope. I refuse. That's one I won't do. It involves steroids, t-shirts with bedazzled crosses that have wings bursting from it for some reason, extra-aggression, funnels, beer, things they call "protein" in powder form, hair grease, spray tan, and complete lack of self-awareness. I'm not doing it. 

The most American thing imaginable....And we weep.

Hopefully I'll get a renewal, because, despite the crazies, the NOT-crazy-stereotypes are bountiful in the U.S., easier to find, and way more fun.


John Wayne to y'all...not really, John Wayne was a dick.