Hey Dalai....How's it goin' your Your Holiness? That's a cute
nickname, "Your Holiness." You want me to call you that? It's kind of
a nice, isn't it, Your Holiness? Nice coincidence that it starts with
"your hole," right? What if I called you, "Your
Hole-Nice." Would you like that? What if you called ME that? Would that be
something fun?
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I like those glasses. Are they prescription? They're not, right?
Those are straight up vanity, I can tell. WHAT? You're kidding. Those are real?
I—I’m sorry, Your Holiness baby, but I thought someone reaching enlightenment
wouldn’t bother with such vanity. Sight is a construct of the unenlightened!
Seeing things clearly is pure vanity. Is that why you haven’t ascended? Oh Your
Holiness baby, let me take care of you. Those glasses are just anchors to the
corporeal. Let me help. I’ll lead you around.
I bet your Karma
would look good in my Dharma. You wanna make like Sidhartha and reach a new
plane of understanding? Wait, how do I get to your…You don’t have a zipper or a
button or something on that outfit? You have to pick up your entire tunic? That seams
inconvenient. Do you don’t sit down every time you do your pee? Y’know you
could just install a zipper or a pleat or something. I’m here to help.
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Y'know Your Holiness baby, some people told me that you and me, we
wouldn't be right. They say that a high lama and a low pickle/antelope hybrid
aren't meant together, that it's unnatural, like a pig and an elephant. But that's some bigoted nonsense, Your
Holiness baby. You and I, we can break those archaic perceptions. You and me,
we can give people enlightenment. Aint that what it's about: giving people
enlightenment?
What's that? It's
offensive to sexually harass a religious figure? To which I say, “S’up
Benedict? What if I just dropped the "Bene" and show you what to really do
with Stigmata.”
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Yeah, it’s safe
to say I’m never reaching any sort of Nirvana...or higher plane…is there a
mildly-disinterested-after-life-hang-out?
Hahha...I feel like Chris Hansen is about to pop out on this blog and go "GOTCHA, PICKLEOPE!" Sorry bud.
ReplyDeleteYou know in the middle of all the sexual harassment you made a rather good point about why he hasn't ascended because of his glasses O_o
ReplyDeleteEvery once in a great while, I can manage to blindly stumble upon a salient point, you just have to gnaw through all the profanity first.
DeleteDont try to go to Srilanka or any of those Asian countries, Akon's music is banned there, because one of his video had gals in bikini near Buddha statue.
ReplyDeleteForget pickled cucumber, your skin would be first peeled and then salted and then shredded and soaked forever and then occasional pulled out and poked.
You have got some nerve.
It's a good thing I'm agoraphobic.
DeleteThis is a very weird post.
ReplyDeleteJust THIS post? I haven't been doing my job. I'm a purveyor of the bizarre, sir.
DeleteI am so very enchanted to meet you...I must confess you are definitely a seducer, not just for the Dalai Lama but for me as well..You are a seducer with words. I find your dark humor really hard to resist...however provocative the theme might be. Kisses.
ReplyDeleteA pleasure to have you here. Sorry, I shouldn't have said "pleasure" after a post like that, I apologize. I meant to say, "The honor is mine."
DeleteThis is my favourite post of yours, and that's saying something because just about everything you do is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteA while back on my Blog, I was trying to write a similar open fan letter to David Cameron, but it was aimed at making his bad points glaringly obvious, and I couldn't do it without it coming across as too political and ranty. Your post, however, strikes the perfect balance. Well done, Pickle.
Is it good or bad that I can't hear or read the name "Dalai Lama" without seeing and hearing Carl Spackler from Caddyshack?
ReplyDeleteIt's good. It means you're cultured.
DeleteWhen I saw him in San Jose I just KNEW I was forgetting something. It was to sexually harass him. I will probably never get that opportunity again. Shame on me!
ReplyDeleteYou weren't harassing; you were enlightening!
ReplyDeleteWell, hello Dalai!
ReplyDeleteSo THAT'S what Santa looks like without the beard.
Kinda creepy.
I think I'll become Jewish.
I'll get eight days of Hanukkah instead of one day of Christmas.
And no creepy beardless dudes crawling down my chimney.
Everything okay at home?
ReplyDeleteIf you are going to have a recurring joke about how you are in lust with the Dalai Lama, I'm going to have to just get out the blog game now, because I can't top that.
Sexual fantasies about the Dalai Lama: Rule 34 would dictate that it was inevitable, but I still never thought of it.
Everything's great at home, but you know, you always have to add some spice in every relationship to keep it from getting stale. Dalai is my relationship paprika.
DeleteWhat I truly love about you is that I never where you're going to go next! So fun :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I don't either. But that's because I sniff a lot of glue. Like A LOT of glue. Like a Costco palate of Elmer's amount of glue per week. (Not an endorsement.)
DeleteI've got the pictures to prove it. It's glue, alright.
DeleteYou sexually harassed two different religious figures in the one post! That has to besome sort of record!
ReplyDeleteWHOA! You might be right. Do you think this would be accepted by Guinness and their world record folk? This must be done. I must make this happen.
Delete"Dear Pickleope:
ReplyDeleteMe love you long time.
Love,
Big D"
Different...but I liked it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the rather confused smile
"I bet your Karma would look good in my Dharma." Best line ever. The spit out coffee now all over my desk confirms it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, your Hole-Nice! This post made me so happy that I feel the need to follow in your footsteps. Somebody get me a rabbi!
ReplyDeleteYour Hole-Nice... No way I can ever top that, so I might as well go to the Canary Islands and enjoy my vacation. ;)
ReplyDeleteIf I had to nail a holy man, it would definitely be the Dalai Lama. My first choice is always Jesus, but he's busy with the whole Dec. 2012 thing.
ReplyDeleteYay! I am so glad you went with this. Super fun. Maybe you can have a recurring relationship advice column, ala Dr. Ruth. Love it.
ReplyDeletebtw Tell him to stop drunken sexting me, I'm not that kind of boy. OK, I am sorta.