The Spring Olympics

Yes, the Summer Olympics is upon us ("are upon us"? It's only the one Olympic games, right?). The quadrennial celebration of athletic jingoism. Whilst I too enjoy the saturnalia of obscure competitions, there are some events that seem out of place.

With a field of highly trained, disciplined, human machines, there are some participants who will garner medals who don't seem to belong with the rest of the field.

NO, not the Table Tennis masters! Those people are artists...even if one arm is much stronger than the other. I'm talking about some of the more finesse events. Like all things equine. Dressage deserves the same level of respect as the pentathlon or even power-walking? Yeah, he/she is manipulating a giant beast that killed Superman (RIP Christopher Reeve) but to what, dance pretty?

Don't let the top hat fool you, he's just as athletic as a Usain Bolt. Source

I don't want to take away from the skill involved in such events, but perhaps there should be a different Olympics for celebrating the finesse events. Perhaps we ought create the Spring Olympics for events you can compete in without being athletic at all.

To increase the prestige and profile of the sports that lose out in coverage to Swimming and Running, we should separate these sports into their own Olympics in their own season. My vision for the Spring Olympics involves:

Synchronized Swimming, Archery, Fat Guy Belly-Flop,  Shooting, Puppetry of the Penis,  possibly Sailing if anyone understood or cared anything about it (add miniature icebergs and maybe the 99% will watch rich a**holes skip around in their dingy), Oral Toenail Trimming, Ribbon Dancing, and All-Star Distance Baby-Birthing.

As it stands, these events are like when the band kids get a letterman jacket yet still get picked on by the real jocks. Let these finesse sports have a band camp version of the Olympics. Thank you, and let's see what we can do to make a Pickleope the next Olympic mascot. It's no less absurd than the weird cycloptic things.

Their names are Wenlock and Mandeville. But a Pickleope is out of the question?

[Addendum: I am in the process of moving this week, so I do apologize for not being as present as usual. If it makes you feel better, I'm a ball of bruises and soreness. People do this as a job? And why does it seem like professional movers are so out of shape?]