Down With the High-Five

Source: The great artist Marc Johns

The High-Five, aside from being the name of the pot-centric hip hop group I'm managing (it's a supergroup with Method Man, Afroman, Canibus, Willie Nelson singing the hooks to take the place of Nate Dogg--RIP--and one of the guys from Cypress Hill whose name I don't care to remember) is terrible. And I understand if what I'm saying costs me some virtual friendships, but it's part of my personal truth. I am anti-high-five.

That's right, if you raise your hand above shoulder-height, your gesture of friendship will be met with social dissension. I will give you the opportunity to amend your erroneous physical gesture by putting my hand low for the more acceptable low-five, or simply, five, but no hand raising.

Be rest assured, I also do not fist bump unless the recipient has some sort of germ thing and that's all I'm going to get. But I will hug. LOVE hugs. Ass-pat too! I'll take a good natured ass-pat (provided you don't mock me for having the buttocks of a 90 year old, anorexic, double-buttocks biopsy recipient). 

Heck, and I apologize for the strong language, if you want, I'll break dance with you, waltz to say hello if you insist, but I will not high-five. 

Source

Some say that my refusal to fascistic in nature, but I say neigh! Isn't it more fascistic to insist that whenever a hand is raised that I slap it mindlessly lest I be shamed for "letting it hang"? Where is the understanding for me, the hand-slapping minority?

"But why? Why for you not slap hands," asks the imaginary unfrozen caveman in my brain. 

For three reasons: One, no one has ever looked cool in history high-fiving. It's like drinking out of a straw or playing the trumpet, you can be cool and do it, but you'll never look cool doing it. Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong were cool, but they looked ri-freaking-diculous in the midst of playing.

This is as cool a person can look playing a trumpet. It's still better than the bassoon, though. 

Two, it's the parlance of "Bro's". It's how the worst stereotype of men interact. It's rare that dudes who high-five also celebrate feminism.

And three, high-fiving was started when Hitler insisted that Stalin congratulate him on invading Poland. It's true. I swear. You can't find any record of it because it has been suppressed, much like how the U.S. space program was built on the sweat of Nazi scientists, but that doesn't make it less true. 

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Uh oh, I did it again, I invoked Nazis in a post. That can only mean I've again angered Hitler. 

(Yes, I know I'm a few years late on the Hitler Downfall meme, but take a trip in a time machine back to 2009.)

See, high-fiving makes Hitler happy, you don't want to make Hitler happy, do you?