If you are a Futures trader or if you shop for stuff, YOU NEED TO READ THIS!Through extensive empirical research I've discovered there may be an excess of babies. This will affect the price of babies.
As a Seasonal Baby Analyst, I have seen that Baby Season has started earlier this year, and much like fennel, carrots, hepatitis super-herpes, broccoli, loganberries, and white nectarines, babies were not expected for another month.
There are way too many babies this early in the year. Generally, baby-farmers plant their seed around the first of the year and the baby harvest starts in September. But this year, it seems there are more and more babies a month premature.
Are we harvesting the baby crops earlier than usual, or, more frighteningly, are they planting more babies than usual earlier in the planting season? Look, baby farmers, I know you want to plant early so that you can get an early jump on the baby farmers' markets, but by planting babies earlier in the seeding cycle means there will be more complications come the reaping.
Aside from the general greed of planting too many babies and harvesting them too early, with all those babies on the market--massive baby saturation us experts call it--means a diluted and diminished market-baby-value. And who wants a diluted baby market? Not true investors, that's for sure.
If we must, let's at least come up with a better name for premature babies than "preemie". How about....no, never mind, fu*k it, they're fu*king babies, they can't read, call them whatever you want.
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| Shhhhhh, don't tell Baby it's a preemie |
Oh, and by the way, you can claim to know anything through empirical research, it sounds smart to dummies. Try using your "empirical" knowledge next time you're in an argument, it's fun.
(Also, sorry for the implied cursing, but if we're honest, it made that sentence way funnier.)
Ugh! I haven't experienced a lot of babies where I'm living. SO MANY WEDDINGS, though. That's usually a good indicator of future babyness.
ReplyDeleteOh no! Not Over-Weddinging! Excess Weddings seems like a great idea for the economy, but if everyone weddings now, we as a society will be forced to implement a mass-divorcing to compensate so that people will re-wedding down the road!
DeleteWell I hope we don't run out of babies earlier because of this. I don't know what I'll put on my sandwiches otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIt's like a Baby Weather Report.
ReplyDeleteWhich is great, because I always like to know when there's a front moving in...
My girlfriend is actually into baby futures. She's a professional scrapbooker, and is drooling at all the baby albums she's going to do once the 'generation 50 shades' babies are born...
ReplyDeleteI like implied cursing. I also like non-implied cursing. Then again, I curse like a trucker and sailor combined.
ReplyDeleteI hope there's no shortage on diapers because of the early crop.
Babies are everywhere, and they are stealing my oxygen. Those little brats do it openly, too. They don't care because they feel they rule the world. It's easy to feel that way when you get to poop in your own underwear and no one says a thing. Yeah, you bet I can call babies whatever I want, and I choose to call 'em assholes.
ReplyDeleteI might want to get me one of those new fangled babies. Mine are starting to get rotten. Do they have an exchange program?
ReplyDelete(very funny post, by the way)
Brilliant post although we dont seem to be seeing a surge in babies in my area. Thnk goodness, the last time there was a surge in numbers around here was quite a few years ago and should there be a resurgence then I quite frankly will cry.
ReplyDeleteWay too youngto be a grandma anytime soon
John Congleton (The Paperchase) once said, "The kids will grow up to be assholes." and I am afraid that this is more true than I care to admit. I speak only for myself. I am sure my dad would have initiated the "lemon clause" if he could have.
ReplyDeleteSorry, you said "boob" and I got distracted. What were we talking about? Oh, right...boobs.
ReplyDeleteI know a few pregnant people but they aren't due for a couple of months, hence observing the proper protocol for said child harvest.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna give them a high five next time I see them!
Hugs!
Valerie
Sorry, I was going to pay attention, then you started talking about babies and my biological clock kicked in. Thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm in a weird situation where as all the peers I seem to have aligned myself with are to weird to go the traditional wedding/baby route. Everyone is still to busy being large Man-Boys on Woman-Girls. Out of all my friends the most likely to have a baby would be myself and Husband. I think it's weird hen the token gay couple are the first with all this tradition, I mean come on it's not like gays have been able to get married for very long (in some places still not)
ReplyDelete