Positive Pickle

It's time again for Positive Pickle, where I try to find the silver lining in something that is otherwise horrifying.

Today we look at the positive aspects of being tortured as a suspected terrorist, even if you're innocent!

Let's say you're someone with a minimally casual belief in Allah (just writing that got me put on a watch list), have a bit of a tan, a full beard, and dare to attempt air travel. You wake up in an undisclosed location, probably in a 5x5 concrete cell tied to a chair listening to an endless loop of "Rolling in the Deep" (all you have to do is turn to any radio station, AM I RIGHT!?!?!?!?!?!!? Yes, you can slap me when you meet me in person.).

Yes, the electrodes attached to your nipples and anus are bad, but hey, let's look at the bright side(s)!

First, you're alive.
Sure, extraordinary rendition is rough, but so is the mental torture of performing a repetitive job like any factory worker. Unlike that factory worker, every day is a new day for you. You should appreciate the ingenuity of each new torture you must endure, because it means you're alive.

Second, you're doing your part for the "War on Terror."
If it weren't for you, there'd be nothing to justify the precarious military-based economy. Tax payer dollars are going to every water-soaked rag used to choke you. I haven't reaped the rewards of taxpayer funds. I should envy YOU!

This non-judgmental photo courtesy of SOURCE 

Thirdidly, now you appreciate life.
Before being kept in an undisclosed location and having pictures taken of your genitals with bacon tied to your testicles and angry dogs inches away, you were probably wondering how you could stop the endless cycle of Fran from Accounting talking about whatever dumb singing competition show was on last night. Now you don't have that problem! Huzzah! Every day is the first day of the end of your life.

Quadrangdidly, you're in a unique group.
Everyone wants to be an individual. Well, who is in a more unique group than suspected terrorists imprisoned in clandestine government base in an undisclosed location? If you've seen nothing else, you've seen more of the world than I have. Also, you have a waaaaaayyyyy better position in an argument about government authority than anyone you will ever meet. Unless you meet another torture victim, in which case, you have an instant friend.

They're only torturing him because he's the "gay" one. Source

Fifteenthly, you are the envy of every teen who frequents Hot Topic.
There are a bunch of cutters out there who need to "cut just to feel". Think of how much feeling you feel! Oh the feelings you feel as you get teeth pulled out of your mouth or involuntarily have new scars--let's call them souvenirs--etched into your unmentionables. It's like a gift. Way more credible than wearing black mascara and identifying with vampire literature, that's for sure.

Finally, after daily torture, the slightest motion of friendliness seems like a massage.
A sneeze not accompanied by blood will feel like a poem licking your nipples. A simple handshake will feel like a monkey butler serving you tea and cupcakes.

Before you inundate me with hate mail, I am not advocating terrorist activities or saying terrorists are good people that deserve gentile treatment. If you think that, you missed the joke and need to reevaluate your life. 

Is there something you're having a hard time wrapping your mind around the horrors of, something that makes you sad immediately upon its mention? Let me know, I can make Ha-Ha's out of any morbid cosmic injustice you may have.