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| Wasn't it hard to get fat back in 470 BCE? Or to carve pupils? Source |
“An unexamined life is not worth living,” said Socrates.
Sure, Socks (as no one called him because they didn't even have shoes), but an unexamined quote is not worth quoting. An examined
life isn’t necessarily worth living either. It might just be a road to
crippling depression if the examination doesn’t lead to action, or worse, if
there’s no action to take and you uncover you’re just a horrible human being.
We can all benefit from self-examination. Some introspection
every now and then to assess who we are, make sure we’re not being the
prolapsed anus of an incontinent badger, is a good thing.
BUT! Don’t dive too deep into the ocean of yourself. Much
like the actual ocean, the greater the depths, the more pressure is created
that can crush you. Also, if you go too deep then resurface too fast, the
depressurization will turn you into an emo teenager.
Someone should create an introspection depth chart. Never mind, I did! To make psychological self-examination understandable, I've put the chart in the universal language of ice cream.
Thus, I give you my patented Ice Cream
Introspection Depth Chart:
Introspection Depth
|
Personal Danger
|
Do I like ice cream?
|
Low: Potential tummy
ache after experimentation
|
Should I cut down on
my ice cream intake?
|
Moderate: Symptom
of weight issue, potential loss of enjoyment of creamy goodness
|
Am I in control of
the ice cream or is it controlling me?
|
Considerable:
Feelings of helplessness, potential addiction issues, even if it’s an
addiction to deliciousness
|
What is the purpose
of ice cream? Deliciousness or temptation?
|
High: Paranoia
and loss of happiness
|
Should ice cream
serve the greater good or just try to have the most fun ice cream can have
before being consumed?
|
Extreme! You’re
thinking way too much about ice cream! Bail out! But slowly. Go back down the
scale slowly.
|
There you go. Just about any type of self-examination can be
applied to the Ice Cream Introspection Depth Chart.
Wondering if you’re in a healthy relationship? That’s on the
low end. Wondering if your life partner defines you as a person? Probably in
the Considerable range. Wondering if your marriage is something detrimental to
society as it helps perpetuate sexual identity discrimination? You’ve gone too
deep.
Wondering about your place in the world? TOO PEDESTRIAN! This chart is for the truly introspective. Go talk to Dr. Phil or some other B.S. psychologist, I'm trying to do REAL good here.
You're welcome. I accept cash tithes only. Have a mildly pleasant weekend.
Also, today, in my ceaseless campaign to soil the internet
with my madness, I have a guest post up over at Tossing It Out. It’s about a dude
who lived for two weeks in his ex-girlfriend’s attic and what he has in common
with Star Wars nerds (of which I am one).
I may have set a record for guest posts at this point. If
you’d like to help me keep my record, I’m more than happy to write a guest post
for you too. Look deep inside yourself and ask if you really want me to write
something for you. No! You’ve gone too deep!
 |
| I TRIED to warn you, Cthulhu. |
I recently contributed to an academic project talking about history in video games. I thought, "Ah ha! This will explore how history is represented in video games! Could be interesting." But then most of the projects wound up being something like "Exploring how the stricture of facts and the distortion of history in varied and dynamic play affects the cultural dialectic through which the individual critiques historical and cultural concepts."
ReplyDeleteAnd then I felt sad, so I had some ice cream and wondered about ice cream's role in humanity's metanarrative.
Cool Blog but not as mad as mine HAHHAHAH HAhahah hah ha hahh hahh hah h ahhah ahah ahahh hah hahh a....
ReplyDeleteOooooo yes ice cream it is cool as well.
Thanks very much for the chart! Just what I never thought I was looking for. But will ice cream still be ice cream if we cut it off after birth from the rest of the ice cream???
ReplyDeleteThis is so very deep and philosophical. I'm not sure if I can cope with it. Is my utter lack of depth representative of other young males exposed to the Internet, and am I perpetuating a problem by failing to do anything about it? Who cares...ice cream...something something...
ReplyDeleteHahah a very helpful chart. NO ONE should take ice cream eating that seriously.
ReplyDeleteI don't even have to think about it. The ice cream is in control of me and my marriage has saved many a single man from having to put up with my shite!
ReplyDeleteI don't want to think about a sad Ctuhulu. Not just because I don't want him to be sad, but because I don't want to know how he's going to take it out on us. Introspection is a good thing, but you can go way too deep at times. Not worth it.
ReplyDeleteWhere exactly, does eating ice cream while bleaching someone's anus fit into the ICIDC?
ReplyDeleteWell, eating VANILLA is required for bleaching, but if someone is imbibing in rocky road or other such nonsense, you've gone too deep.
DeleteThe epitome of T.M.I. You are the Sloth to my Chunk. (Goonies referendum)
DeleteWhat about "I hate ice cream and want to stab it over and over again"? No issues there, right?
ReplyDeleteNo, that falls under "absolute stability" on the Ice Cream Introspection Stabil...what the hell did I call this thing again? Whatever, you're cool.
DeleteI'm thankful it's not a pie chart; I abhor pie! Ice cream is wonderful. I adore Banana Split (all-natural-flavored)ice cream. Every month when I get my food stamps I'm off to the store for a half gallon. If I'm very careful and conservative, I can eek out two scoops, per day, for a couple of weeks. Who cares about instant gratification? I'm in it for the long haul... and I think I'm okay!
ReplyDeleteEven pumpkin pie? Are you a member of the Cake Council? Also, you can stretch out a half gallon for two weeks? That's admirable restraint.
DeleteHahaha, that is true wisdom my friend! And poor Cthuhlu! x
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling I am being stagnant and ineffective so I think I'll spend 12 hours a day examining that.
ReplyDeleteOH NO!!!!! When you're feeling stagnant, get a nipple piercing instead. Nothing puts life into perspective quite like impaling a nipple for no reason and having to live with the regret afterward.
DeleteI will forever refer to Socrates as Socks. I'm sure it would have been his high school nick name. I can picture him watching the gladiators and his friends coming to greet him with a, "Sup Socks".
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I stumbled on to your blog and am going to make sure to return.
Thank you very much, I'm happy you stopped by. I'm here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But I obsess 7 days a week.
DeleteI also picture the gladiators giving him a toga-wedgie. That's where you reach between his legs in the front, grab the back of the toga and pull it up toward his mouth as hard as you can. They didn't have bleach back then so the toga was sure to be a lost cause after that.
You're ingenuity never ceases to amaze me! Learning about one's self through vigorous introspection can lead to further disorder or possibly a new hit cartoon on that network for cartoons.
ReplyDeleteIf only I could remember that network for cartoons name. Cartoon-o-phile? No. Cartoonie Pants? Can't be. Ani-Mates? No, but a good name for the cartoon. Network Where Things That Were Drawn Come To Life Except During the Late Night Hours Where They Have Live Action Hilarity? Maybe.
DeleteI like the ice cream chart better than where this could have gone: the navel lint contemplation chart. And poor Cthulu, he always seems to get sad.
ReplyDeleteOf course he's sad, you would be too if you couldn't wear shirts. He is of a size and type not fit for this world. If only he could meet that one tailor, that one special tailor, who would make him more presentable, then he could go on Match.com (not an advertisement) and find that special one.
DeleteWhat a coincidence. I just had an icecream. And it was delicious.
ReplyDeleteYou know you can come guest over at my place sometime. Think you may have once before...
I'm in! But not until you're done recounting your Thailand trip. I'm loving it. It's like travel porn.
DeleteYour Ice Cream Introspection chart was groovy and humorous. Personally, I believe if you prefer your chocolate swirled with Vanilla, you may have a split personality they may develop into a psychosis that encourages to you hump the 'prolapsed anus of an incontinent badger.'
ReplyDeleteWere you eating ice cream when you envisioned this image, upon writing this bit? If so, what flavor?
On a less charming note: I think good ol' "Pupil-less Socrates"- as he was called, quite often, by his closest of friends- was on the right track. If more people did examine their lives, they might reach a conclusion that may help enrich their own life or the life of others. As always, though, moderation is the key here? You can run with this idea and take it to places where you're just sitting around with your thumb up your puckered anus, dwelling on the past, conjuring up concepts on how good or bad you've been to yourself or other people.
So... There ya go. You're welcome!
Once I mixed vodka with Rita's Italian Ice. It was the best treat ever... I'm not sure why I'm bringing this up. But I thought you would like to know.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Valerie