Preemptive Nudity

We live in amazing times. I've seen two members of the royal family nude, I've seen a Senator's, uh, "growing deficit," and countless numbers of celebrities in various stages of undress or full on love-making action.
We live in a time where taping yourself in an intimate moment and having it "accidentally" get out, can make you and your whole family rich and famous.

There used to be silly rumors about famous people engaging in sex acts (Anyone else hear about Rod Stewart needing to get his stomach pumped?) but now we don't have to wonder because nearly every human being's sexual predilections are well-documented on the internet (and some famous pets too).

But that's what has me worried. I'm getting older and lazier. Which means my butt is getting meltier, like a sack filled with ice cream and fetid beef byproduct left out on a Summer day in Florida (This description is on my online dating profile. Why have I not received a response in over a decade?). So I'm concerned that, like what appears to be the majority of the population, a sex tape featuring me will inevitably end up on the internet.

Andy Warhol had his "15 minutes of fame" thing, I present the "inevitability of public nudity." This is my thesis that in the future everyone's naked visage, either artfully posed or through leaked airport security scans, will eventually end up on the internet.

Thus, in order to prevent the most unflattering version of my nude self--which is drunk in a department store changing room under those neon lights after eating an entire cheesecake having a full body allergic reaction whilst sobbing because no jeans look good on me and in between groinal hair grooming--from being the lasting image of me circulating the internet, I am thinking about preemptively taking a picture of myself, Photoshopping it like a Cosmo cover, then posting it.

This would be a preventative measure only. This isn't an excuse to indulge my exhibitionist streak...I swear.

Rather than go on more about my self-imposed nudism, I would like to cut this short as the Lonesome Jackalope was kind enough to surrender his space to me in my endless quest to write the most guest posts. He told me to "make it powerful, make it count." He now probably regrets those words as I wrote the most offensive post my mind could conjure. If you dare to read about such things like "Principal Knuckle-Deep" I direct you to his site: thelonesomejackalope.com. If you are unable to cope with life's horrors through humor and are easily offended, then I caution you against reading that post. It's a doozy.

thelonesomejackalope.com