The Business of Relaxation

The weekend is a time when we avoid relaxation at all costs by engaging in petty activities designated as "household chores." But you need to relax. Don't stress out about needing to relax, but the stress is killing you so you need to relax.

This is why billions are spent on studying and achieving relaxation.

We begin with the research. To help you, and all of us relax, I give you what researchers have deemed "the most relaxing song in the world:"

The band, Marconi Union, worked with "sound therapists" (yes, that's a job) to create the most relaxing song in the world. Researchers then played a series of songs to study participants and they ranked this song at the top of the list. I thought it was weird that they put Pantera's "Mouth for War" at number 8 (for the younger metal heads out there, substitute that song for Mastadon's "Blood and Thunder," and for my non-metal heads, picture I said something about Skrillex or Tyler the Creator, and if you still don't get the joke, just picture I said something about number 8 being the screams of torture porn. There, that should cover all of my target demographics. We all laugh as one.)

It's boggling to me that so much time and resources were consumed to craft and then prove this. This is something people have been researching. A grant of some kind was given to a group of scientists and their graduate student lackeys (I call them "intellectual henchmen") who corralled volunteers and played music to them to discover the most relaxing song in existence. The most tonally pleasing composition to set your mind at ease.

Thank you, scientists, and your intellectual henchmen for aiding in our relaxation.

But why are we stopping there? There have to be a lot more methods to increase our relaxation. 
Have they found the most relaxing method of being massaged? Is it burly men who put their elbows into it, or undersized ladies who walk on your back with petite feet that were probably bound for a number of years?*
*I have been told by the Internet Council that in order to retain my "writing on the internet" license, whenever I mention a massage of any sort, I am obligated to make a pathetic attempt at a trite "happy ending" joke. There, that fulfills my obligation. You don't have your license? You scofflaw. 

I want in on this relaxation industry. For example, I think it would be incredibly relaxing to have someone narrate ingredients on common store items. When checking labels for calories and sugar content, it stresses me out a little. I would be much more relaxed if these things were narrated by a celebrity. There are a few audio book vendors out there who are missing a large opportunity by only having these celebrities read books out loud. The GPS turn-by-turn directions industry has figured this out by having celebrities give directions. What about you, audio book people? 

Or Bill Murray narrating anything, even bottled water ingredients, would be amazing. Source

"Oh but how do we make money?" Easy, break it up the product narration into groups. So, for example, if I want celebrities to read the ingredients on cereals, I download the "Anne Hathaway Cereal Series." 

Also, why can't we have Morgan Freeman or the Barefoot Contessa or Kevin Spacey or any Muppet narrating workouts. Picture this as you start to go out for a jog: "Now Andy liked to run. He put one foot in front of the other and then his left again, then his right, and now he's checking his pedometer. Andy was a good exerciser." ~Excerpt from Morgan Freeman Narrates Your Run Vol. 1, the First Quarter-Mile. You just have to be okay with him calling you Andy the whole run.

Now I'm all stressed out coming up with this million dollar idea. Maybe I'll just switch back to good old fashioned gallons of cough syrup mixed with hot chocolate.