Whatever Happened to the Seven Dwarfs?

For those unfamiliar with my investigative journalism, I have previously tracked down Pippi Longstocking, and George Bailey among others.

Can you spot the one trying to peek under the blanket?

As a fan of the Brothers Grimm and their messed up fables, I have taken a particular interest in the story of Snow White. In that tale, Snow White is on the run from her murderous stepmother and takes refuge in the house of the seven dwarves. There always seemed to be something...odd about the the seven dwarfs. Like they were a little too happy and accommodating to this stranger.

This is why I've tracked down one of the original seven dwarfs to see exactly what's going on. He only talked to me under the condition of anonymity. Hence, we'll call this dwarf "Skeezy" or maybe "Pervy" I haven't decided.
So here, in his own words, is Skeezy/Pervy:

"Mind if I smoke opium? It's the end of my work day, gimme a break. I work in a friggin' mine all day. You don't get all 'hi-ho, hi-ho' without an emphasis on the 'high', you know what I'm saying? Especially when you aint got the HOE! Hahaha-cough-cough-cough-wheeze.

Deceased. (Once Upon A Time A.D. - 1912) Source

"Since that once upon a time, me and the boys had to go separate ways. We cleared out that mine not too long after that ungrateful Snow broad cleared out. So we had to go lookin' for another mine to dig up. But there aint much call for a team a little people to dig up a mountain. Used ta be we was the only ones suited for gettin' inta small spaces. But now, with all that mountain top removal nonsense, we had to diversify our skill set. Some a the other guys just quit mining all together, some went to work in Hollywood, ol' Dopey was reduced to being a human canary in coal mines--may he rest in peace.

"Not me though, ol' [Skeezy] here, I diversified my skill set, like I said. You're looking at one of the foremost experts in demolitions. And I don't wanna hear none a that whiny namby pamby b.s. about 'loss of biodiversity' and 'toxification.' A dwarf's gotta earn. The dwarf hookers don't charge half-price, if you know what I'm sayin'."

[At this point, to stop Pervy from making hip thrust motions, I ask him about his time with Snow White.]

"We called her Ivory Albino, or Ghostly Pasty, things like that ta get under her skin. At this time we were living in this little cabin, seven miners with no one ta stare at but each other's miniature asses. So this was like a breath of fresh air. AND she was gonna cook and clean? We was picturing a bigamist scenario here.

"We got ta watch her bathe once, and that was alright, but after a while of providing food and shelter and crafting mole-skin tampons--yeah, no one thinks about how the whole menstrual cycle thing worked when they watch the cartoon or read the books, do they? After giving this broad the world, does she give us anything? ANYTHING? Just 'cause we're dwarfs don't mean we aint got needs.

Yeah, sleep tight, Snow. Nothing creepy about this at all. Source

"Lemme draw your boobs or just sit there naked while we do our thing in a circle around you. That so much to ask? Did she think we were all gay for each other? Maybe Doc, and whatever I did with Sleepy was situational, all right? We were aching for some woman just to touch it a stick, or cough in my general direction without covering her mouth. I would sometimes pretend to "bump" into her, just to sniff it.

"I mean, we saved her life three times. There was the ribbon thing, some comb deal, and the apple. The cartoon pisses me off. That wasn't no Prince's kiss nonsense, we got that apple out, WE DID!

"Speaking of which, she goes off with this creepy prince. You're telling me you'd rather go with this guy who was willing to make-out with a corpse over seven (well, six if you aint counting Doc) willing, giving, attentive, life saving miners? No, not minors, miners. Seven gainfully employed, eager-to-please men, or one necrophiliac? She goes necrophiliac.

Gimme some tongue, passed out/possibly dead lady. Source. I.E. Don't sue me, Disney.

"No invitation to the wedding, either. Once she's princess, she can't get us no cushy job in the palace? Not so much as a 'thank you' card. And people ask me why I smoke opium at lunch.

"Then there's the slap in the face of this movie, Snow White and the Huntsman. Not only do they remove mention of us from the title, but then they got the nerve to put Largies in the place of my dwarf brethren? There's no end to our insult. You got any scotch in this joint?"

With that, Skeezy and I got drunk. When I woke up...well...let's just say I need counseling for what he was doing to me. Sometimes it's best to let forgotten fables lie. ~The End~