Ban This Blog

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I know I missed Banned Books Week, but I want to keep the spirit of it going by getting this blog banned!

I want to get this blog banned from libraries and schools. I want parents to start an uproar. I want concerned parents to start a bonfire, print out my posts, and rally around the joy of burning those printouts. 

Why? Because it’s great publicity! Would anyone give a crap about some whiny teenager self-indulgently bouncing around a city if it weren't for parents protesting Catcher in the Rye? Protest this blog!

Of course I don’t think people will just protest it without provocation, so let me throw on my provocateur muumuu (it’s really breathable, light fabric, cute little flower pattern).

I offer you this short story that contains all the triggers that send hyper-uptight parents into a book burning frenzy.

"Ann Tigod was a teenage witch who filled her day studying evolution and sorcery. Her nights were a blur of drugs and lesbian sex. After a particularly rambunctious sexual escapade that can only be described as 'something all children should try at least twice and encouraged of all couples' she made the declaration that marriage is a sham, a tax upon the ignorant and we need to encourage the dissolution of the standard familial structure. Her particularly beautiful, married mother of three agreed, turned into a dragon and burned her family alive. Ann Tigod cheered then murdered her scissor sister by stabbing her in the larynx with a flaming dildo. 'Goodbye my African American, Satanist casual sex partner,' she lamented. Ann forgot her mission to destroy the familial structure, saluted the portrait of Karl Marx and Fidel Castro violating the corpse of Ronald Reagan, went to Disneyland instead of school because school is for obedient dullards, then conjured a wheelchair so she could go to the front of every line. Nobody except for Ann lived happily ever after."

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There, that should get me banned. It has all the necessary banning themes: witchcraft, drug use, gay stuff, black people, violence, attacks on traditional marriage, Satanism, insensitivity, anti-Americanism, a couple of dirty words, and a generally morose disposition.

Let the protests commence! Burn down the internet! Print this out, staple it to an effigy of an antlered pickle, put it on a spike and march through town. Just make sure you get the URL right so everyone knows where to direct their hate and free publicity.

Related question: At this point, do people trying to get books banned at any point stop and think, “In an age of anti-intellectualism, why am I trying to discourage reading of any kind?” Nah, probably not.