Cheater
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| Yeah, secret-baby is a pretty solid reason for a divorce. Source |
What to Expect: Lots of denial and pure, crystallized rage, top with a whirlpool of accusations that flush you down the drain of self-doubt where you'll eventually ricochet into overcompensation. Sudden interest in Adele.
What to do: Yell. A LOT. Or just take whatever evidence you have and lay it on top of the pile of the other person's crap sitting outside your door to which you have changed the locks. Then go have sex with his/her best friend or relative. If you're really looking for revenge, nothing gets that person back quite like a submersing yourself in a sea of wieners. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl, swimming through scrotum will really drive the point home that your ex did you wrong.
Malaise
Why: The relationship has run its course. No shame in that. You hit the point where you just can't see a future. Or it could be one or both of you is panicking due to a fear of commitment (but if the other person over-uses "literally" a lot, you're right to sever ties).
What to expect: Awkward conversation where you both know it's over but you're both grasping at straws thinking you should have a better reason to end a perfectly healthy relationship.
What to do: Realize that you're both ending the relationship with a mutual understanding before things go truly sour and you start passive aggressively trying to sabotage your relationship in a less-healthy manner. Bow, shake hands, part ways, share a drink now and then.
Warning: Don't sleep together except to say goodbye, it'll just be confusing for all involved. Write down somewhere why it ended and refer to it when you're drunk at 2 A.M.
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Why: One person is facing a major change and the other person is not willing to follow them on this journey. This includes moving for work, change of religion, a harsh haircut (no relationship can survive cornrows, nor should it), drastic lifestyle adjustment, tour the world on the Disc Golf Championship world circuit, whatever it may be, a major life change can create a wedge.
What to expect: Tears will flow...unless it's the Disc Golf thing then "bongs will be smoked." You will at some point question why you aren't open to new experiences. Cyber stalking will commence.
What to do: Explain this isn't what you signed up for. If the experience inspires you to start trying new things, take baby steps by starting with trying a new cereal. And turn off your computer...a lot.
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Crying Game
Why: Somehow you didn't realize that person was of the opposite gender than the one you expected.
What to expect: A big surprise. Lots of confusion. A realization. Some anger. Experimentation. More confusion. Things won't end well, especially if the IRA is involved.
What to do: Don't be so hasty. Go have a good cry in the shower first. Then go make out with that person again and if it's just not the same, you have your answers. Leave a twenty on the nightstand and invest in some mouthwash, cowboy.
Ghost
Why: Your spouse is dead but possessing Whoopi Goldberg. You realize there's no way you can go on sleeping with Whoopi Goldberg because no one can.
What to expect: A penny moving on a wall, some sassy banter, Whoopi eventually storming out.
What to do: Leave pennies around the house, ghosts can't resist moving pennies. Whilst the ghost is distracted, you're free to have a normal life. Or call an exorcist.
Whatever the reason for your breakup, have the decency to actually breakup with the person face to face and not be passive aggressive about it.
"Swimming through scrotum" should clearly be an Olympic event. The 100 meter testicle freestyle would draw the crowds.
ReplyDeleteI think the "5 meter testi dead float" would draw viewers, but how do I obtain funding for my super-dirty-porn-olympics?
Deletethat's very good, also include "opposite wanted to open bar in Spain but after 4 years is still in the same job", ha in his face!! Where are my 6 cats?
ReplyDeleteThis is a guided tour. Whilst your inclusion is valid, it would be like a tour of British Imperialism in South Africa then veering off into French imperialism in Dahomey. (For the record, I don't know what I'm talking about but it sounds really freaking smart and is routed in real history.)
DeleteSolid advice. I think the whole surrounding yourself with weiners thing is a great revenge tactic. Can't see how it would go wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to remember to refer to this the next time I break up with someone. I've only ever broken up with someone via text once and, to be fair, that was because once he realised I was going to he started standing me up. Apparently his logic was I couldn't break up with him if we weren't in the same room.
ReplyDeleteI thought you were referring to swimming in little smokies... Probably less odd, but barely.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice. I'm going through one now, so glad that you and Arnold could make a path.
WG
Excellent advice... not that I'll need to take it. Mrs. C assures me that we'll be together forever & ever & as long as I stick with that no one (else) will have to get hurt.
ReplyDeleteIn today's day and age, it's surprisingly difficult to break up with someone in person! I really believe that if you respect the person in your relationship (even if it isnt' working out) you should sit down and act like adults. But this only works if you both act like adults. My last break up was like pulling teeth to get him to sit down and talk with me face to face. Blah.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right. My next post is how to break up with someone clandestinely. Basically it involves throwing in a smoke bomb, jumping in the room like Batman, and declaring the relationship is over, some saliva on that jackass, and ducking out into the night.
DeleteI think I dated that crazy Google maps chick in college.
ReplyDeleteYou make Dr. Phil look like an idiot. I mean even more of an idiot.
ReplyDeleteDr. Phil wrote this post.
DeleteNow how much of a dick do you feel like?
Not really.
But I did rub my anus on his head. All good, right?
All sound advice... and at a time I can use it. Thanks Pickleope!
ReplyDeleteBest line: Write down somewhere why it ended and refer to it when you're drunk at 2 A.M.
No fucking kidding. I should get on that. STAT.
This would be very useful if I ever had a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI just let the court system handle it. Nothing says "we're over" quite like a restraining order. I mean, why else do I pay my taxes if not for that reason?
ReplyDeleteMy own breakup fell into the Mystery category - I am not allowed to know the reason for it out of a fear that if I were told, I might try and succeed to talk her out of it.
ReplyDeleteI think it might have been because I sometimes clip my toenails in the dining room.
If so, then screw it. I'm not stopping.
Ewwww dude. We're breaking up for clipping toenails in the dining room.
DeleteAlso, I say "dude" lovingly because I grew up calling everything "dude".
But seriously, clip your toenails outside in a park or something. Blech.
A good rule to follow after all break ups: go shopping. You may also want to do this during the relationship... And before. If you did not partake in the shopping experience before, build a time machine out of a delorean and fix said problem
ReplyDeleteAlso, I may have a wee bit of a shopping problem.
Hugs!
Valerie
My male cousin, who is gay, was briefly dating another gay man. Or so he thought! It turned out his new boyfriend was actually a transexual who had started hormone therapy, but had not yet undergone any reassignment surgery. My cousin broke up with the guy, not because he was transexual, though, but because the guy was crazy.
ReplyDeleteThe funnies (saddest) part of all of this was that my aunt was disappointed that he broke up with the transexual because she saw it as a way for my cousin to be dating a 'man', when it was really, physically a 'woman', which meant my cousin would no longer be in sin. Nice, huh?
I said I was doing a "survey" of "common" breakups. Your tale of your cousin is definitely a case for the "advanced" class. And your aunt sounds like, and I'm sorry for saying this, but like an asshole.
DeleteArnold's photo tag says it all: "Oops", meaning Obsessing over personal shit.
ReplyDeleteDahling Pickleope, thanks for the tour... and the ride from the guide!
"Whatever the reason for your breakup, have the decency to actually breakup with the person face to face and not be passive aggressive about it."
ReplyDeleteHOOO boy, you got that right!
A friend of mine was dumped by her High School boyfriend... nawww I'm not sure you can even call it dumping. There was nearly no decisive action taken whatsoever:
Basically this guy just started getting harder to contact. Seemed "busy." Would return phone calls very infrequently. And THEN he goes and casually changes his FB relationship status to single.
Was that the end of it? NO. Because... prior to changing the status (no one knows exactly when) he unfriended her on facebook. And THEN just to cover his bases, he had unfriended me as well... who he had been friends with for three years prior to meeting her.
So my friend didn't even receive the dignity of observing the relationship status change herself. Her OTHER guy friends saw it and texted her asking if she was okay, since they were worried. Her response: "Okay with what? What happened?"
Yeah it's kinda depressing when you're the last person of your friends to know you've been dumped. =\