Human Experimentation

Source (please don't put me on a No Fly list)

It’s been said that in any form of writing, the first line should grab the reader, hence why I would like to declare that I am PRO HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION. Hold on, put down your pitchforks and torches, I only support the voluntary kind of human experimentation, none of this mad scientist, CIA in the 60’s type of shenanigans. More accurately I'm pro human testing, but that's not nearly as tantalizing a title.

There is a lot of controversy about animal testing, and rightfully so, spraying cute animals in their unsuspecting face is sadistic (ugly animals you can do with what you please, hose that nasty alley cat with aerosol nail polish right in its dumb eyes). The counter-argument is, “How will we know if some product is harmful to humans if we don’t test it on animals, specifically animals close to human DNA, first?” To which I reply to my ghostly debate opponent, “cut out the middleman and go straight to human!”

It’s not like companies don’t already experiment on humans. They just shroud it in grammatical subterfuge by calling it “clinical trials.” I am suggesting full disclosure. Yet I’m the bad guy?

Companies might not be in favor of this at first because they’d have to pay human guinea pigs, but I would inform these major corporations that everything balances out because:

• No more paying animal wranglers
• Reduced cost on combating eco-terrorists (yeah, I know they’re “protesters” but I’m trying to appeal to major corporations who only speak in grammar friendly to money hoarders)
• Faster concept-to-market turnaround time…Yeah, that get your capitalist juices flowing?

Source

It sounds inhuman at first, and you’re probably right, this may be a cat writing this (as we all know, cats have no regard for humanity and are incapable of empathy, even for the creature that it depends on for daily sustenance). But I also have in mind quite a few regulations to curtail the thirst for profit that so often tramples general humanity:

• Only willing participants. Volunteers of sound mind only.
• If you experiment on humans, NO testing on 

Source and while I try to remain A-political, Monsanto is pretty evil.

There, that’s it. I’m sorry, Monsanto, but you can’t just catch random impoverished villagers in a giant net and start spraying pesticides in their every orifice. But even better, you get a shorter research and development time and can probably layoff a bunch of heads-of-households, and I know you love misery in the name of commerce.

I’m not suggesting strapping down the mentally ill. It would be regulated…but, as the person writing the law, I could be persuaded to put in a provision that for the cost of their rent and adult diapers for a month, you could do with as you please to a willing elderly person.

Why am I not a Senator?