Year in Review Done Right

It's that time again, time to cast off the shackles of the past year, reflect on victories and mistakes, and assess before moving into the future Marty McFly style. Let's look at both societal happenings and happenings of my own. It's my way of encapsulating the year. So, let's go "Back in Time" and look at the past year. 

[By the way, new item for my bucket list: Attend or create a Huey Lewis and the News themed laser light show...then wait for the drugs to wear off and report my credit card as stolen.]

January: An athlete did something colossally stupid at 2 AM that involved a car, booze/drugs, and a woman who was most likely there against her will.
I learned the hard way the dangers of doing a Google Image search of "Blue Waffles." Don't do it. You have been warned.

February: A politician gets caught in a sex scandal despite, or probably because he is staunchly against whatever it is he did. Iran teases a nuclear program much like a 25 year old blonde tart with no job skills teases an 85 year old millionaire with a heart problem. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have three nuclear devices in his basement, two in the trunk of his car, then says something inflammatory about the Jews. 
I made muffins.

March: A celebrity gets in a fight, probably on drugs. We all laugh at the mugshot, the celebrity checks him/herself into rehab or claims to be "exhausted."
I file my taxes early and pretend that the money is going to social programs and not an over-inflated military industrial complex, then I laugh maniacally at my stupid idealism and smash my head against the wall instead. Also, I realized why I drink. 

April: A major corporation files for bankruptcy, citing something about how it's the workers fault for asking for a liveable wage, never mentioning that the executives, if they took a 10% pay cut could have saved the company AND paid for the healthcare of the workers and their families. 
I pissed off the animal kingdom...again.

I didn't even know birds could do that. She was doing the under the chin motion with her wing.

May: The company that filed for bankruptcy last month? They just gave their executives a $5 million Spring Break Just for Funsies Bonus...each. Also, they fired 80% of the workforce and outsourced their production to infants in emerging nations. Not to be outdone, JPMorgan Chase misplaces $3 billion dollars, and manages to give its leadership its usual "hey it's the weekend" million dollar bonus. 
In related news, I start my new "Executive Raise Celebratory Champagne and S-and-M Club". Our motto, "tip a glass while we spank your ass." 

June: We all forgot Syria was locked in a brutal civil war, oh and the wife of Bashir al-Assad, Asma al-Assad, likes Justin Beiber and bought a bunch of jewelry! Dictators' wives are so precocious.
I try to do a Broadway adaptation of Newsies, but take out all the singing. 

July: Some magazines and newspapers stop printing physical copies as everything moves online and we all learn we're more interested in celebrity side-boob than we are about public corruption...but seriously, side-boob, right? Also, were the Olympics this month? I don't remember. If so, jingoism was on full display as genetically ambiguous athletes competed in obscure sports you wouldn't watch if they paid you to go to the stadium. 
I lose hundreds betting on the long shot, Latvia, in the Olympic women's arm wrestling event. How was I supposed to know that's not even an Olympic event!?! First baseball, now women's arm wrestling?

She could have left the wedding ring at home. It's kind of rubbing it in to the other contestants to  flaunt your happy relationship in their faces. 

August: Former Governor, money hoarder and walking pompadour Mitt Romney embarks on a futile attempt not to say something detrimental to his candidacy and his political party in an effort to demonize the other party enough to convince people he is the lesser of two evils. Also, a bunch of old white dumb-dumb men talk about rape in possibly the most offensive ways possible, in ways even my twisted mind can't conceive. We all become dumber in the process. 
I move even further away from my family, it is a glorious time, some call this a Golden Age in my personal chronology.

September: Secretary of State Hilary Clinton finds new and more obscure countries to visit in an effort to never spend another second in the same room as her husband, former President and professional crude dildo maker, Bill Clinton. 
I get a fortune cookie that says "You are eating the cookie-embodiment of racism, round eye." It's the last time I eat at "Super Aggressive Chinese Buffet." 

October: Mother Nature whips out her giant throbbing lady wang and clit-slaps the world again, reminding us all that we're all just renting land. As much as I'd like to think it's cosmic retribution for polluting the air with pointless presidential "debates" it's more likely because of actual pollution.
Totally unrelated, my environmental group, Husbands of Mother Earth, goes bankrupt, the real victim? Mother Earth.

Our old logo. RIP HoME.

November: The corporate sponsored candidate wins! People who threaten to move to Canada or do horrible things to their employees find creative reasons to recant their hollow threats...except the idiot who got a Mitt Romney tattoo on his face, who suddenly has limited job prospects.
I bring about peace in the Middle East...until stupid Mr. Bean screws it all up in a hilarious, bumbling manner. 

December: Nothing happens as all news outlets focus on dumb, unimaginative, year-end lists...
Hey, wait a second. Well, Happy New Year to all of you from all of me. ALL of me.