Male Breast Feeding

You've probably heard the complaints from new dads, "Oh the baby is great, but he/she hardly needs me, I feel so useless." Or "you get up, honey, the baby's probably hungry." Well, I'm sorry gentlemen but your days of pseudo-complaining about being ineffectual in the initial child rearing are over. It turns out men can breastfeed.

Image Source

Good luck forgetting that every single time you see a dad with a baby strapped to his chest, because them boobies spit milk just as well as any lady. Men have nipples for a reason (sorry to blow your mind, person who has only seen a Ken doll topless, but human men do in fact have nipples, just watch anything with Simon Cowell on it to see that's true). As people are gestating in the squishy egg that is the womb, we all start off as petite ladies, thus we all form mammary tissue, the foundational tissue for nips. Eventually the chromosomes diverge to develop innie and outie sex bits, but the nipples remain. Well, what doesn't go away is that initial mammary tissue, allowing both genders (and the in-between) to blast milk out their chest.

NO! I clearly said "chest!" Who screwed this up? Huh? Oh, crap, that's me. Image source...posted sheepishly.

"But why can't I squirt out fatty molecules suspended in a water medium right now," you ask. 
"You could have just said 'milk,'" I respond. But also, it's for the same reason women don't have to build sponges into their bras, because you have to provoke lactation. For women, pregnancy generally takes care of the provocation, but for men, in cases of male lactation the provocation is as follows:

"Cuddling and spending time with babies has been shown to increase the amount of prolactin in dads' bloodstreams, while tamping down on testosterone levels. Combine that hormonal reaction with the physical stimulus of a suckling infant, and a male breast could very well yield milk." 

~Quote from How Stuff Works (they vet their info, it's not a bunch of semi-believable Wiki nonsense)

And there are a bunch of recorded incidences of this to prove it correct. 

Now that we know this, it's only a matter of time before men turn milk shooting out of their nipples into a sport. Also, how long into an equal split of breast feeding duties until the La Leche League is rendered obsolete? Not because "men can do it now" but because the sexualization of nipples that leads men to feel uncomfortable with public displays of lady-nips melts away as nipples of both genders serve the same purpose? It would create a shift in perception nipples that would either lead to an acceptance of mass toplessness or create a demand of society-wide nipple-pasties. 

It could have been a GIF. Yeah, this isn't weird enough, someone made it a GIF. Source. 

I look forward to this new paradigm. But beyond all that, we all have learned one thing: You are SLACKING, new dads.