Drug Nostalgia

I'm worried. Worried that our children, and our children's children won't know the joys of a medically administered high. Remember when you would go to the dentist and they would force you to huff laughing gas before doing so much as a filling? Now it's all "local anesthetic." Who wants that!?! Get me hiiiIIiiIIiiiigh, Doc.

What mad anesthesiologist is responsible for the devolution of anesthetic? Local anesthetic? What kind of nonsense is that? I remember...sorry, let me put my old people hyper-high-waisted pleated khakis on...

Back in my day, they would spray laughing gas right in our 13 year olds faces just to take out our wisdom teeth! And we LIKED it!

Look how much he likes sucking down that gas. Why are we depriving children of happiness? Image Source

Cavity? Nitrous!
Root canal? Nitrous!
Hey, dental hygienist with a nervous tick who gauges your gums with the hook then tells you you need to floss more? Gimme 50 CC's of Nitrous! (I have no idea what 50 cc's are but I think I've heard it on some doctor show.)

Allow me to relate a story about my last brush with state-approved drugs: I've been sick since before Christmas. So, finally, nearly a month later, I decided to go to a doctor. I know, I'm a total hypochondriac. So the doctor at the free clinic I go to (What, don't you like to get a side of methadone with your antibiotics?) prescribed antibiotics and, the best part, prescription strength cough syrup. Rappers can talk about Tussin all they want (sippin on that syrup), I'll take prescription strength cough syrup. I took the prescribed one teaspoon (not a tablespoon, TEAspoon) of this syrup about a half-hour before bed. It tasted like someone collected Ronald McDonald's sweat in a jar, left it out in the sun to ferment, added a splash of compost drippings, and sieved the mixture through Ke$ha's leggings after a particularly robust performance. 

Print this out, hang in room, turn on Jefferson Airplane, and dig it, man.

All was well until I laid down. That's when shadow people started peeling off the walls, tipping their top hat, making out with my toes, then exploding into a technicolor rainbow. Rather than freak out, I realized I had been prescribed psychedelic cough syrup! Hooray! 

Just when I thought doctors had gone soft, I was handed this bottle of fun like a flagon of mead from Odin himself. Unfortunately, it also made me intensely tired. Before I could enjoy the magic, I was shuffled into dreamland. Combined with my twisted subconscious, I was confronted by a swirl of imagery that would make any Phish Heads give up their lifestyle and become accountants. That's not to say I didn't have fun. It was the most fun I've ever had asleep. Unfortunately, this fun was not without consequence. I woke up dizzy, an apparent side effect. Also unfortunately, my body adapted to the syrup as the next dose was not nearly the "Yo Gabba Gabba" head trip the first try was. 

It's not ghetto if it's administered by a dentist. Source

But this brings me back to my point, dentists, there's no side effect from nitrous when administered properly, is there? The worst that will happen is someone else will drive me home. Oh boo hoo. I hate driving anyway! How much do we all pay in insurance (you too, Canada, you're still paying for healthcare, just not directly)? The least we should get for our money is sweet sweet drugs, given in the correct dosage by a medical health professional...or at least a dental hygienist with a mild criminal record.

Who is objecting? People who have been inappropriately touched or tea-bagged while unconcious? Whiners. Don't you know dentistry is the profession with the highest suicide rate? The least you could do to prevent this unnecessary loss of life is let the dentist hang some scrotum in your face. You're not even awake! I'm sure the dentists are clean too, otherwise more people would complain about their forehead smelling like swamp crotch. I for one am willing to take that chance. Join me in demanding dentists get you high before so much as using that strange whirring tooth scraper. They have flavored tooth scraping junk but not flavored nitrous? We have lost sight of our priorities.