I Had A Dream

With all proper deference to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous "I Have A Dream" speech, given on August 28, 1963, (fun fact: everything after the 11 minute mark is remarkably extemporaneous, really, not a joke, MLK2K improvised the last 6 minutes of that speech) I have some dreams too. Well, I used to have dreams before they were crushed out of me under the vicious heel of cynicism forged in the wrathful inferno of reality.

Why yes, that is a Martin Luther King Jr. mosaic made with Rubik's Cubes. Image Source

I had a dream that everyone kept their dreams to themselves. Other people's dreams are so boring. My dreams are awesome. Like the one I had about having penis legs instead of regular legs and I had to keep them erect to walk (in my defense, I was high on a combination of antibiotics and prescription cough syrup).

Other people's dreams are like stories without a beginning or an end. Here's my impression of every dream that's ever been told to me, "I had the weirdest dream. My subconscious manifested my fears, anxieties, and desires through a series of deeply personal symbolic imagery that I don't understand at all. Isn't that weird?" No, no it's not. It happens to everyone and no one can relate to it because dreams are a personal experience.

Sorry about this one. Source

I'm afraid that the "I Have A Dream" speech and Inception have given people the misconception that it's okay to bore people with non-stories...Unless you had a sex dream, then feel free to share and act it out.

I had a dream that people would stop telling other people about their dreams then I realized the compulsion to share is overwhelming in an age where something as mundane as a meal is shared through three different social media accounts. So I gave up that dream.

I had a dream that couples who openly talk about saving themselves for marriage (i.e. virgins, i.e. pledged to be disappointed upon consummation) realize publicly talking about putting off sex is still publicly talking about sex. 

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There are couples who gleefully gather around their family and proudly say, "we're saving ourselves for marriage." So now your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc. all know their relative lives in a perpetual state of sexual frustration and will go buck wild on their wedding night for all of two minutes and most of that is getting the dress off. 

Worse, if their family members are anything like me, they're wondering what their definition of "sex" is. How far are they going while still considering themselves chaste? I mean, if you're willing to believe God will send you slip-and-sliding to Hell unless you buy the car before taking it for a test drive, then you may be willing to believe that back door booty blasting goes in the "heavy petting" column. And no one needs to picture their relative doing that. 

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But I let that dream die when competitive God-worshipping became a sport, and thus, being smug about chastity became irresistible.

I had other dreams too, like the dream of cocaine making a huge comeback so the type of person who wears sunglasses in doors at night has a higher chance of overdosing, but I've let all my dreams drown under the gallons of booze necessary to quite the nightmares.