In a World Without Internet...

In a world where the internet goes down, the world shall spin into chaos. People shall be lost and look for a savior, I. am. that savior.

Source

I shall lead those willing out of the darkness and confusion of an internet-less existence, back into the light. Sure, there are probably smart people out there who can rebuild the internet, but I can teach people how to live without it. NO! I can't help anyone with farming techniques! There are farmers and overall-enthusiasts for that hand-dirtying activities. I am here to rebuild socialization skills.

First thing will be to satisfy the baser instincts of man. They will not know how to achieve orgasm without copious amounts of immediately available pornography. I shall reintroduce the men of this world to the Sears catalog, Victorias Secret, and finding porn in the woods.

I shall reteach people to write with a pen. Further, how to write in cursive! And no, I didn't make up that word, "cursive" is a writing style people used way back in the 1900's. I won't make you spiral into shock by talking about shorthand or calligraphy. 

Gingerly, as to not startle this group of wayward traumatized souls, I shall gradually introduce the concept of the post office and mailing letters.

Oh, Charles Dickens, you really are the dickens...dick, I like writing the word dick. Source

I will give them Polaroid cameras so that they can ween themselves off of the instant gratification of seeing an image captured on film. They shall slowly stop taking pictures of their food when they realize film costs money. They will relearn how to enjoy a moment without having to record it and relive it five minutes from now.

Rather than share all their thoughts with the world, the concept of a diary will be given to them like light stolen from the Gods. Sure, some of the people will still feel compelled to read their diaries aloud to other humans, but that can't be helped. No judgement here, I'll probably take to standing on a soapbox in a park next to one of those idiots without marketable skills who paint themselves silver and call themselves "living statues" rather than "talentless beggars." 

You're gonna sit? Not even stand and pose? I hope that paint is lead based.  Image source

To satiate the desire for free media, I will remind people that it is possible to PAY for their entertainment. But if that concept is too lofty, I'll show them how one person buys it and all her/his friends burn the CD or perpetually "borrow" a DVD/CD.

Public shaming of atrocious behavior will come back into popularity. Sorry, tweens/teens/emotionally stunted adults who liberally sprinkle their speech with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs whilst hiding behind an avatar, you will be publicly derided and mocked for being a bigot.

Courtesy of Banksy. Yep. Straight from Banksy.We're homies.

How are any of us supposed to go to the bathroom without checking Twitter or playing some game on your phone? I got you covered. Remember Sodoku? They have printed books of those, and of crossword puzzles. I know, it's amazing. There are also such magical things as magazines you can use to "read" in lieu of things like this blog (which is designed for reading in the bathroom). But just in case, I have started printing these blogs on something called "paper" for use in distributing post-internet. I've also scrawled crude depictions of pickles with antlers on cave walls for future generations.

Without the internet, how are we supposed to pretend to work a full eight hour day? Not to worry, I will teach classes on how to doodle, how to maximize bathroom breaks, the art of taking a smoke break even if you don't smoke, and writing your novel without the higher-ups noticing. 

So, in the nightmarish scenario where the terrorists bomb the internet or Google goes power mad and decides to turn off the internet, contact me and I will help you. I am only available by email. 

Also, Working Dan over at Shameful Promotions was foolish enough to allow me to write a guest post for him. Go, read, enjoy.