Parenting For Those Who Don't Want to be Parents

All the life knowledge I possess can be imparted to another person in about six weeks, tops. So why bother having a baby? That's 17 and a half years where I'll be out of material. What, I'm going to help with homework? I'm barely literate. So rather than litter this world with my own ill-informed offspring, adding to the dump of human garbage infesting this planet, and rather than holding back those few days of genius I do possess, I have a plan to adopt. 

I shall give you more than money, child.  Image Source.

Of course I don't want to adopt a baby, that takes too much effort and if I wanted to clean someone's filthy diaper, I'd start dating an adult baby. Meaning, that being the selfless, magnanimous person I am, I'd adopt one of the forgotten children. Once a foster child becomes a teenager, he/she is much less likely to be adopted. My goal is to adopt a 17 year old. The process takes a while, so I'll probably get custody when the kid is about 17 1/2. The perfect age for me to make a real impact in his/her life without too much of a lasting commitment on either of our behalf. 

I understand, Annie, I understand, but
have some class, pour it in a glass. Source

Do orphans have names? Is it just what the workers there call the kid? No matter what my new child was named, I will give the kid a chance to surpass his/her peers by having a name that demands respect, a strong name that will forge an image of a leader in the minds of those who speak it. Something like "Fistshark Dangerporn" or "El Capitan De Puro Sexo" to give it that Latin flavor, or "Ainsley Von Falconer". 

Being that the kid (boy or girl, doesn't matter) has lived mostly in an orphanage, there's a good chance he/she doesn't know basic life skills. I'll teach it how to drive (and yes, to use blinkers), how affectations are not a substitute for a personality, empathy, the right way to do recreational drugs (no, I wouldn't do the drugs with the thing--child, but which ones are cool in moderation during college), how to survive in an office, and most importantly how to interact with people. 

One of the most important parts of life is human interaction. And what does this kid know of talking to other people? Obviously he/she isn't very good at it or it wouldn't have taken so long to get adopted. I'll take the lil orphan and teach it (it is an "it" until it learns socialization skills, we can all agree on that) how to date. That's the ultimate socialization is how to be a decent person who can hold a conversation, and what better conversation than to explain how you were an orphan until an angelic internet character came out of nowhere and gave you a second chance at life? And we can all assume my little sociological experiment doesn't know how to date because he/she was in an orphanage and who would he/she date, other orphans? Ewwww. 

Source

Then, after imparting my limited knowledge, my sweet child, El Capitan, turns 18 and becomes an adult. Since I have taught him/her how to fly, I push her/him out of the nest. Clean break. Sure, we can reunite at holidays and such, but my work here is done. Fly free little dove, reach for the sky, I would love you if I were capable of such a thing. Don't forget to get your GED. 

Hold on, I just realized I advocated adopting a teenager, teaching a child how to date, drug taking and changing her/his name, then kicking the child out after a few months. I may not be fit to be a parent.