I was listening to the latest "This American Life" episode because I'm a snooty NPR nerd (I would apply for a job there, but my name isn't colorful enough, it's like a prerequisite for all of their on-air talent to have an interesting name or interesting pronunciation of a mundane name...If you'd like a job there, I recommend the Public Radio Name Generator). And they had a story about South Korea's obsession with appearances. For instance, you have to include a picture of yourself with job and college applications, one in five women in Sol have had plastic surgery, and in high schools, it is routine to have mirrors and scales lining the halls.
This means only one thing: I gotta move to South Korea! I am super good looking. If they are into looks, I could become royalty there. It would be like C3PO when he went to the Ewok village. They would hoist my golden good looks up in a chair, carry me around and make me their supreme leader (note: I do not think Koreans are like Ewoks, they probably won't try to eat my friends).
I'm not saying that S. Koreans are all beauty worshiping small furry things. They simply appreciate beautiful things, and I am a really beautiful thing.
This is my chance to live my dream of making a living off my appearance without any discernable talent or societal contribution! It's a direct slap in the face to all those school teachers who told me I had to learn to make money! I want to metaphorically slap their faces, and South Korea is giving me that chance. I could probably make money just by sitting on the street and allowing the ugly to take pictures with me. I could charge money to accept a person's friend request on whatever the S. Korean version of Facebook is. Or, if they truly appreciate beauty, they'll see me and feel compelled to throw money at me, "Oh my tits, you're sexy! [Money is waded up and thrown at me along with credit cards and wills naming me as his/her beneficiary.]"
|This guy isn't wasting his beauty, he's sharing it. |
His dog isn't too pumped about it, but dude is living life. Source
It makes me realize that I have been wasting my beauty, neigh, SQUANDERING my supposedly "subjective" good looks. I've been walking around, giving away the privilege of looking at me for free. For Free! All I get in return for blessing the eyes of lessers is the comfort of knowing I'm the star of dozens of masturbatory fantasies each day. It's good to know that I can bring pleasure to these people, but I could be the focus of MILLIONS of stroke sessions! This isn't me be conceited, this is me being considerate. Don't I have an obligation to spread my sexiness around to the widest audience as possible?
How do I know the South Koreans will find me beautiful? C'mon. I mean really, c'moooooon. I am irresistible. Adorable and f*ckable all in one eye-full. Psy might have a second hit if he saw me. Come and get it, Ban Ki-moon. You know I'm your flavor.
|Hey, hey, one at a time...or both, whatever you WON (get it? that's their currency and I want to get paid. No? Damn.) Source|
Alright. You win, South Korea, I will not move there as to not send your society into chaos with the introduction of my absurdly beautiful visage. But know this: I love you, your society, and what you have going on. Love always, Pickleope.