The Only Horoscope You Will Ever Need

What? Is there something odd about a sentient, possibly psychic,
pickle/moose hybrid with a beard? I don't see what's odd. 

I've asked our resident psychic, Nostrapickleoose, to peer into the future for this year and give everyone a proper Horoscope reading so we all know what to expect from 2013.

Capricorn: With Saturn in alignment, this is the year when your chakras...uh...do whatever chakras do. Seriously, what are chakras? I predict that you will look up what the hell a chakra is. 

Oh, yeah, that clears it up...Wha Huh!?!? Source

Aquarius: You really shouldn't look that type of stuff up on your work computer.

Pisces: You'll look good with that extra 10 pounds. No, really, you'll carry it well. Not stretch mark stuff, but a jaunty gut and a bit of extra booty to squeeze.

Aries: Dating standards shall be lowered. After a period of trial and error in this arena, standards are re-raised to pre-2013 levels and cats will be purchased. Married Aries will enjoy a period of happiness after self-delusion allows them to believe settling for that person who wakes him/her up nightly with booming flatulence is vastly superior to autonomy and independence.  

Taurus: Vague, universally applicable nonsense to which you shall attribute personal meaning but forget after twenty minutes. 

Gemini: See Taurus. Also, see a doctor, that thing on your back isn't a mole. 

Source

Cancer: You shall offer your shoulder to a friend to cry on then immediately complain to a significant other about that idiot friend's life choices that lead to him/her to cry in the first place and how that cycle shall surely repeat. You're so perceptive and without personal flaw.

Leo: Yes, all right already, we get it, ugh, you were right. There, you happy? I said it, you. were. right. Feels good, doesn't it? Doesn't it feel sooooo good to be right? Enjoy your victory lap, ya' self-righteous egotist. 

Virgo: This is the year you finally come to grips with being a mistake baby, a "whoops-a-baby". Oh sure, it's probably a coincidence that your birthday is nine months past all the winter holidays, a time of copious drinking and being stuck inside due to inclement weather. Yep, all just a happy coincidence. But fear not, you will finally make your peace with not being planned and the likely hours of discussion about aborting you or suffering the 18 year financial burden you represent. All of that is cast out, aborted from your brain like you almost were from your mom's womb.

Libra: Not much change. See how you are now? Hope you like it because that's what you're going to be in a year. Enjoy the banal ride.

A ride so banal it's like taking a tandem bike ride through the country with this tweed ball of excitement.  Source

Scorpio: That dream vacation you've always wanted to take will come true...virtually as you soar over the pixels using Google Earth. Who can afford to take a vacation? That's crazy talk. 

Sagittarius: Everything works out. You'll still stress out unnecessarily, probably shave a couple of years off your life with all the worrying and binge drinking, there will be an incident involving and errant bodily function, but hey, it all works out...especially if you're good looking. Probably not the way you expected, but hardly anything does. 

See that, worked out! Source

Actually, that last horoscope goes for all of you. Everything will eventually work itself out. Enjoy as much of the ride as you can. 
Also, peering into my own future, that will be the last bit of sincerity you're likely to get out of me all year.