On Fridays, I'll be taking your wacky, illogical, nonsensical ideas and attempting to weave them into cohesive narratives. Let the ridiculousness commence.
|There you go, the dumbest, most absurd thing in existence, a pistol packing pickle in a jet pack fighting an atomic mushroom cloud.|
Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi was the first to postulate: "I just drew faces on the bottom of me and my family's left toes. We intend to try to take over the world or at the very least, a Mexican drug cartel."
|Source I recommend not going to|
- Start with smaller drug gangs (we'll detail this a little later)
- Work your way up to cartels, then to local municipalities
- Take over counties
- Take over the state
- Usurp some more local militias
- Beg the Masons for partnership
- Apologize to the Masons for your presumptuousness
- Take over more states
- Create a political party based on money and xenophobia
- Recruit some deadly animals
- Collect all of Coldplay's music both physical and digital to use for threats (of playing it ever again, in case that wasn't clear)
- Take over some smaller banana republics
- Again humbly ask the Masons for support to which they shall comply or be crushed
- Make nice with Bill Gates and whoever the Apple guy is, then invade their compounds!
- A less complacent country takeover
- Partner with Germany
- Take over Europe
- Betray Germany
- Partner with Russia hoping they didn't hear about our antics with Germany,
- Oh Scheiße! (I dunno, I used an online translation, roll with it) Punch Putin in his dumb face
- Run for a while
- Trick tweens into thinking Russia killed Justin Bieber and One Direction
- THEN...the rest of the world. In that order.
- Practice hopping. Hop for a minimum of 3 hours a day for 3 months. Then you shall be a hopping expert, and also have one leg with disproportionately strong calves. Thus is the price of world domination, suck it up.
- Paint the faces on your left toes using a death-mask theme and angry faces and make sure they're all carrying weapons. Not like this
- Observe the cartel for at least a week (yes, you can do this on one leg to cut down on time training)
- When you are reasonably certain they are all drunk, get to hopping. Hop into their compound screaming about how they must bow to your army of superior numbers and odd shaped army. With their perceptions being off, they should drop all their weapons.
- Teach all of them to hop for 3 weeks or condense it to 6 hours a day for 12 days.
- Move up to your next larger cartel. Follow the first/earlier number 3 listed above.
Pretty soon, you shall have the world under the iron might of your toes! Foes under toes! (A good motto for your regime.)
If you obtain the world domination you seek, I only ask for Canada relocated to Argentina (the two places I love sight unseen). Gauchos, aye!?!
Further suggestions of the absurd are welcome in comments or if you're shy, email@example.com.