World Domination for the Absurd

Buried under the tsunami of posts left after weeks of RSS or reader feader neglect, was my challenge/dare to users/readers to bring me your most absurd ideas to see what I could do with such nonsense. It was a dare to dare me. Thankfully this was not lost on all as I got some great suggestions (this feature could also be titled, "Gimme Your Inspiration!"). 

On Fridays, I'll be taking your wacky, illogical, nonsensical ideas and attempting to weave them into cohesive narratives. Let the ridiculousness commence.

There you go, the dumbest, most absurd thing in existence, a pistol packing pickle in a jet pack fighting an atomic mushroom cloud.

Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi was the first to postulate: "I just drew faces on the bottom of me and my family's left toes. We intend to try to take over the world or at the very least, a Mexican drug cartel."

Source I recommend not going to

This isn't a bad idea for world domination--all ideas incapsulated within your two sentences. If you're going to take over the world, you're going to need patience and strategy. Based on your sentences, here is the overview of my strategic advice as to how you can take over the world: 

1. Prepare
2. Start with smaller drug gangs (we'll detail this a little later)
3. Repeat
4. Work your way up to cartels, then to local municipalities
5. Take over counties
6. Take over the state
7. Usurp some more local militias
8. Beg the Masons for partnership
9. Apologize to the Masons for your presumptuousness
10. Take over more states
11. Create a political party based on money and xenophobia
12. Recruit some deadly animals
13. Collect all of Coldplay's music both physical and digital to use for threats (of playing it ever again, in case that wasn't clear)
14. Take over some smaller banana republics
15. Again humbly ask the Masons for support to which they shall comply or be crushed
16. Make nice with Bill Gates and whoever the Apple guy is, then invade their compounds!
17. Canada
18. A less complacent country takeover
19. Partner with Germany
20. Take over Europe
21. Betray Germany
22. Partner with Russia hoping they didn't hear about our antics with Germany, 
23. Oh Scheiße! (I dunno, I used an online translation, roll with it) Punch Putin in his dumb face
24. Run for a while
25. Trick tweens into thinking Russia killed Justin Bieber and One Direction
26. THEN...the rest of the world. In that order.

See, it's a simple process, but much like playing Risk, simplicity doesn't prepare you for world domination. A series of small mental dominations will only get you so far. Any sort of subjugation of your fellow (wo)man shall be determined by your patience, planning, and how many willing participants you can bring into the process (by the way, I admire your willingness to throw your family into the fray). Here's the world domination planning stage, including how you start to accumulate your army:

1. Practice hopping. Hop for a minimum of 3 hours a day for 3 months. Then you shall be a hopping expert, and also have one leg with disproportionately strong calves. Thus is the price of world domination, suck it up.
2. Paint the faces on your left toes using a death-mask theme and angry faces and make sure they're all carrying weapons. Not like this  
3. Observe the cartel for at least a week (yes, you can do this on one leg to cut down on time training) 
4. When you are reasonably certain they are all drunk, get to hopping. Hop into their compound screaming about how they must bow to your army of superior numbers and odd shaped army. With their perceptions being off, they should drop all their weapons. 
5. Teach all of them to hop for 3 weeks or condense it to 6 hours a day for 12 days. 
6. Move up to your next larger cartel. Follow the first/earlier number 3 listed above.

Pretty soon, you shall have the world under the iron might of your toes! Foes under toes! (A good motto for your regime.) 

If you obtain the world domination you seek, I only ask for Canada relocated to Argentina (the two places I love sight unseen). Gauchos, aye!?!

Further suggestions of the absurd are welcome in comments or if you're shy, pickleope@gmail.com.