Bettering the World Through an Army of Penguins

Back to my series of reader-challenge posts. Poke The Rock gave me a layup this time, challenging me to write about winning the lotto or having a penguin farm. Well, it just so happens those two things are related.

If I won the Lotto, it would be amazing because, for one, I don't play the lotto, but also, it would give me the chance to be an eccentric millionaire. I already have the mental issues that would lead one to become an eccentric, I just need the money to validate it. I would need a lot of winnings to be truly eccentric, though. After doing the obvious things like buying a giant mansion, then having a secret room installed hidden behind a bookshelf that opens up to a ninja training facility, I would hire internet scammers to tend to my farm of penguins. 

Generally, I hate birds. How can you like something that soars above you and lacks sphincter muscles? They also don't have teeth and the sounds they make are horrible. They're like feathered meth addicts. But penguins are cool. They torture themselves by being in the worst climate (outside of Texas in the Summer), have sex once per year, and walk a lot. I feel a strange kinship with them...similar physique too. I've had a dream of having an army of penguins ever since I saw Batman Returns. 

I would use my army of penguins not for nefarious ends, but to help humanity by having my penguin army (with the help of the ninjas training in my secret room of course) destroy thumb ring and jean-bedazzling manufacturing facilities, intimidate phone centers into not sucking the soul out of anyone who calls needing help, holding Florida hostage until every person agrees to read books and dial the crazy back by 10%, destroy all freeways so cities are forced to make a reasonable amount of lanes to accomodate the populace and think about how to deal with traffic and in the meantime everyone gets time off work, get rid of all Arby'ses (that's the plural of Arby's, I'm pretty sure), and just get rid of Las Vegas. All of which will be narrated by Morgan Freeman, of course...Wait, no, scratch that, he should be making more movies. We'll have Ice Cube narrate, he should be making less movies (I love you, Cube, but your movie choices are embarrassing [he's a reader]). 

See, it's in everyone's best interest to make me rich as I will make the world a better place through penguins. And ninjas, don't forget the ninjas. Oh, and I'd also learn how to play the keytar, have a monkey butler, only drive a solar powered hovercraft with flames painted on the side, and maybe buy a hamburger for a homeless guy's dog (which I will write off on my taxes). 

Not even James Brown could make the keytar look cool.  Source