Friday, February 22, 2013

Positive Pickle!!!

Feeling down? Doldrums of winter endlessly waltzing with Seasonal Affective Disorder to the pounding soundtrack of Skryllex rattling in your head just behind your eyes with a strobe light intermittently illuminating the dance floor of your brain? Worry not! Today is Positive Pickle day! No matter the problem, I can put a positive spin on it! TODAY WITH EXTRA EXCLAMATION POINTS FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!
Stuck on a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico for several days without power or, apparently, the ability to swim/row a boat? You have the best "worst vacation" story imaginable! Next time someone around you complains about a baby that screamed for an hour on an airplane, cross your arms, smirk, and smugly retort with, "Huh. Yeah, I guess that's as bad as having to POO IN A BAG FOR FIVE DAYS!" Hopefully the person you're one-upping was never homeless. You have a great story for the rest of your life and a huge settlement coming your way. That's better than seeing some crappy resort town for twenty minutes and maybe zip-lining. Hooray!

Head of Carnival Cruise Lines and wondering how to stop the proverbial ship from sinking? Snap out of it!  Everything is fine. What you've just been exposed to is a new avenue of business. There are super bored rich people who pay to be kidnapped just for the thrill. Guess what your new cruise is. That's right, "Crap in a Bag Cruise." People will pay obscene amounts for a contrived experience. Maybe hook up with some Somalian pirates for a win-win!  

"Awww but he's in failing health and...
He helped cover up what? Never mind, mock away." Source
Head of your religion quitting? Less creepy pope! 

Really racist and concerned about there being a black president AND a black pope? Nothing keeps your racism sharper than black people in a position of authority! Also, don't be racist, it's stupid and a real waste of energy you could spend learning a new skill instead of being bigoted!

Someone in your family died? One less Christmas card to send! One less birthday to remember! A more manageable Facebook feed! Less guilt about not calling him/her more than you do your cell phone company! 

New baby won't sleep? Not too late to drop that pain in the butt on the porch of your local fire department! 
Screw you too, baby! We're on the same page! Source
Gained a few extra pounds? Hey, if you were in incredible shape, what goals would you have left? We all need a goal to shoot for...for which to shoot.

Problem ending your sentences in prepositions?!? You're giving grammar nerds something to feel superior about...for which to feel...I don't even know if "about" is a preposition because I know how to relate to other people outside of the written word! Hooray! 

Bring me your unimaginable horrors! I defy your frown! Happiness  shall overwhelm you! SUBMIT TO THE EXCLAMATION POINT! 
Have a good weekend.  

26 comments:

  1. I accidentally caught my genitalia in a mincer and fed it my dog. I'm bleeding to death as I type this. There's a hundred thousand starving people in Mali depending on me to deliver aid and if I die, they'll die too. Plus, a pigeon shat on my head. Is there a positive side to all this?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AT LEAST YOU WON'T HAVE ANY UNWANTED KIDS, YOUR DOG IS WELL FED, AND YOU'RE SO DEPENDABLE THAT AN ENTIRE COUNTRY WOULD TRUST YOU WITH THEIR LIVES!!!! Also, apparently Tom Cruise has a pigeon poop facial treatment tommaintain his youth. You get that benefit for free.

      Delete
  2. Did you eat a crap ton of chocolate before writing this?! Or maybe just a little cocaine...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CHOCOLATE COCAINE!!!!!!!!! DELICIOUS!

      Delete
  3. There is a positive side for me to Pope Benny stepping down and leaving the seat vacant while he's alive (presumably). In the interim I, as a Catholic may sin with impunity. The Hubby is buying a whole crate of condoms and we're shagging like it's doomsday.

    Seriously though, I'm glad to see him go. We have Merkel owning Europe, the German Queen of England and then a Nazi Pope. The Tricycle of Evil is now just the Bicycle of Evil.

    Have a Happy, Wonderful, Pony and Rainbow Filled Weekend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wooowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I added enough exclamation points. I'm in Florida this week but have to leave tomorrow. But, if I'm lucky I'll have a screaming baby next to me on the plane. Or throw up on the plane like I did on the way here.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love exclamation points!!!!!! They make everything better!!!!! I, also, live to give grammar and punctuation purists a reason to live...or live for!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Okay, miss happy-pants, how about this one: I strive to write a blog with at least an occasional entertaining, un-sucky entry. I spend a lot of time trying to think up worthwhile stuff to share with all--I mean both--of my readers. Usually I settle for passing along some silly thing my 5 year old said. And now I, the brilliant English major who was supposed to become an amazing author, cannot think of an adjective better than un-sucky. So I go to this goofy Pickelope blog and find funny, original material, complete with illustrations. Seems everyone but me can come up with cool stuff to write. Everyone but I...? but me? Everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT EXCUSE TO GET DRUNK!!!! ALCOHOL IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR "CREATIVE JUICES."
      ALSO, MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN.
      MASTURBATION IS ALSO MORE PLEASURABLE THAN TORTURING YOURSELF TO FIND INSPIRATION. HOLY CRAP, NOW I'M YELLING IN MY OWN HEAD.

      Delete
  7. So right about the vacation horror story- Those cruise people can milk that endlessly at work or social gatherings: "I shit in my shoe, how bad is your life, really?" Almost enough to make shitting in your shoes worth it, though not quite

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Customers of Ultime Réalité can be seized by strangers, bundled into a car bound and gagged, and kept in a dank cellar for four hours"

    I think the best way to do this would be to invite all your friends to dinner and tell them that you will pay for the food and then be kidnapped part way through the meal leaving them to pay for their own food.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I do not like this side of you. And I refuse to use an exclamation point even though I'm extremely emphatic about this. Although for some chocolate cocaine, I may re-think my stance.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like the cut of your jib! Cheerfulness!!! Preach!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've been smiling all day. I'd like to see you give that a positive spin, Pickster!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE WRINKLES ALL THAT SMILING IS GOING TO PREMATURELY CAUSE, GIANT JOWELS AND CROWS FEET ARE A MARK OF DISTINCTION!!!!

      Delete
    2. You're such a good friend. My life has meaning now, wrinkled as I may be. Thank you.

      Delete
  12. But, wait, now I'm confused. If we are putting a positive spin on the bad stuff, what are doing with the good stuff??? Making it negative?? I'm going out to dinner with my girlies to my favorite restaurant (Will spend a lot of money on something that will only end up as poo) then we are getting fancy cupcakes that I love (will get fat) and then we are going to a psychic (will find out how depressing my future is). There! I've balanced everything, all is right with the world again :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I must thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this blog. I am hoping to see the same high-grade content by you in the future as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get my very own website now ;)

    my weblog :: meratol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOUR SHAMELESS SPAMMING IS APPARENTLY NECESSARY FOR YOUR INCREDIBLY TENUOUS BUSINESS MODEL, THUS I TOLERATE YOUR LOGORITHM-GENERATED COMMENT! ALSO, WITHOUT YOU, ANONYMOUS BOT, HOW WOULD WE KNOW THAT CLICKING STRANGE LINKS ONLY LEADS TO COMPUTER AIDS!?!

      Delete
  14. I think my car has a hole in it again and is taking on water through the passenger side floor board. Fix me with your positive attitude Pickleope!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU FINALLY LEARNED THAT YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING A BOAT! NOW THAT YOU KNOW, AND WILL SWIM TO SHORE SAFELY, YOU CAN GET A CAR AND FINALLY GET TO WORK ON TIME!
      OH MY GOD WHY IS MY NOSE BLEEDING!?!

      Delete
  15. Wait a second right there, Pickleope! I'm afraid your positive reinforcement of people's negativity will only result in more self-serving negativity. It will become a vicious cycle of ego tripping negative thrill seekers!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I want to hear more about these people who pay to get kidnapped... xxx

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis