Stuck on a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico for several days without power or, apparently, the ability to swim/row a boat? You have the best "worst vacation" story imaginable! Next time someone around you complains about a baby that screamed for an hour on an airplane, cross your arms, smirk, and smugly retort with, "Huh. Yeah, I guess that's as bad as having to POO IN A BAG FOR FIVE DAYS!" Hopefully the person you're one-upping was never homeless. You have a great story for the rest of your life and a huge settlement coming your way. That's better than seeing some crappy resort town for twenty minutes and maybe zip-lining. Hooray!
Head of Carnival Cruise Lines and wondering how to stop the proverbial ship from sinking? Snap out of it! Everything is fine. What you've just been exposed to is a new avenue of business. There are super bored rich people who pay to be kidnapped just for the thrill. Guess what your new cruise is. That's right, "Crap in a Bag Cruise." People will pay obscene amounts for a contrived experience. Maybe hook up with some Somalian pirates for a win-win!
|"Awww but he's in failing health and...|
He helped cover up what? Never mind, mock away." Source
Really racist and concerned about there being a black president AND a black pope? Nothing keeps your racism sharper than black people in a position of authority! Also, don't be racist, it's stupid and a real waste of energy you could spend learning a new skill instead of being bigoted!
Someone in your family died? One less Christmas card to send! One less birthday to remember! A more manageable Facebook feed! Less guilt about not calling him/her more than you do your cell phone company!
New baby won't sleep? Not too late to drop that pain in the butt on the porch of your local fire department!
|Screw you too, baby! We're on the same page! Source|
Problem ending your sentences in prepositions?!? You're giving grammar nerds something to feel superior about...for which to feel...I don't even know if "about" is a preposition because I know how to relate to other people outside of the written word! Hooray!
Bring me your unimaginable horrors! I defy your frown! Happiness shall overwhelm you! SUBMIT TO THE EXCLAMATION POINT!
Have a good weekend.