The Best Oscar Speech Possible

Thank you. Thank you so much. This is...It's a total shock. Really. Especially since I wasn't nominated nor did I appear in any movie ever. I was cut out of my family's home movies. So believe me when I say, I am honored and in shock. 

I always thought he was overcompensating anyway. Image source

First, I'd like to thank the academy for dreaming up this arbitrary system to metaphorically give one another anonymous reach-arounds. Personally, I thought Dredd was the best movie of last year, but I suppose that's the nature of awarding the subjective. In fact, I thought the whole idea of deciding which art is better than the other was a perilous road fraught with intellectual compromises, before you decided to validate me. Now I'm wondering why they don't decide which painter is the best each year. 

After children started winning Oscars, I thought, "surely this proves how absurd it is to decide who was the best at playing pretend." Then I thought, "surely this means we have to stop referring to acting as a 'craft' if infants are doing this job better than adults." And how did we continue to claim any legitimacy after Shakespeare in Love won, or Crash? But thankfully we are all so in love with our own self-importance that this silly award show not only persists, but continues to squirt out sub-award shows like an overly-fertile redneck who can't pronounce the word "prophylactic" let alone use one. 

No joke, this guy is the model for the Oscar statue. Story here.

Before I was honored for no reason tonight, I didn't understand any subjective competition like gymnastics, competitive dancing, singing competitions, dressage, dog shows, beauty pageants, the Pulitzer Prize, the Nobel Peace Prize, or even top 10 lists. This award has taught me that the Oscars are just as valid as a competition where a man in a tuxedo caresses a cocker spaniel's testicle sack after its socially awkward, diabetic owner prances the dog in a circle. 

Oh, oh, no, they're playing the wrap-up music...Uh...Uh...I'd thank my agent but I don't have one and if I did, my thanks would be the 15% he takes from every paycheck. I'd thank the other nominees but that seems disingenuous and kind of gloating. I'd thank God, but I'm not sure which one would endear me to the widest audience while continuing to get me more jobs like we're in a secret club. I'd thank a list of people but if I truly cared about them, I'd call them on the phone and thank each one personally rather than as a list of hastily rattled off names. 

Image Source

Uh...I guess I'll see you all at the prearranged orgy, Paul Giamatti's bringing the coke!