|I always thought he was overcompensating anyway. Image source|
First, I'd like to thank the academy for dreaming up this arbitrary system to metaphorically give one another anonymous reach-arounds. Personally, I thought Dredd was the best movie of last year, but I suppose that's the nature of awarding the subjective. In fact, I thought the whole idea of deciding which art is better than the other was a perilous road fraught with intellectual compromises, before you decided to validate me. Now I'm wondering why they don't decide which painter is the best each year.
After children started winning Oscars, I thought, "surely this proves how absurd it is to decide who was the best at playing pretend." Then I thought, "surely this means we have to stop referring to acting as a 'craft' if infants are doing this job better than adults." And how did we continue to claim any legitimacy after Shakespeare in Love won, or Crash? But thankfully we are all so in love with our own self-importance that this silly award show not only persists, but continues to squirt out sub-award shows like an overly-fertile redneck who can't pronounce the word "prophylactic" let alone use one.
|No joke, this guy is the model for the Oscar statue. Story here.|
Oh, oh, no, they're playing the wrap-up music...Uh...Uh...I'd thank my agent but I don't have one and if I did, my thanks would be the 15% he takes from every paycheck. I'd thank the other nominees but that seems disingenuous and kind of gloating. I'd thank God, but I'm not sure which one would endear me to the widest audience while continuing to get me more jobs like we're in a secret club. I'd thank a list of people but if I truly cared about them, I'd call them on the phone and thank each one personally rather than as a list of hastily rattled off names.