The Surprising Benefits of Food Poisoning

When you buy something that doesn't work, you generally get to return it for a full refund, right? So why can't we do the same with food you buy at a restaurant? If I get takeout and it gives me food poisoning, should I not be entitled to at least a refund? Why not? I'll return the food to them, no problem there, except it'll be a little bit used.

What? A three-headed, rainbow-vomiting panda is much cuter than what I was doing. This masterpiece courtesy of  Derek Chatwood...the legal action adverse, Derek Chatwood.

In case I didn't put a fine enough point on it, I was recently assaulted by a food borne illness. I had leftover takeout for breakfast, didn't bother heating it, and ended up painting the walls of my office bathroom with the contents of my rum-tum-tummy. Not to mention violently rocketing regurgitant (my new favorite synonym for vomit) out my car window as I tried to race home. Thankfully it was raining. But, in my attempt to be an optimist, I'm trying to look on the bright side.

Again, much cuter than what I was doing. Source

I'm thinking about advertising food poisoning as a quick weight loss method. "Need to lose that stubborn last five pounds? Have you plateaued in your exercise routine? Looking for a quick and easy method to get those rock hard abs all the celebrities are flaunting nowadays? Or maybe you just want a day off of work? We have the solution for YOU! For the low price of $49.99, our experts in thinness maintenance will undercook some chicken and within hours, you'll be shedding those pounds by orally catapulting the entire contents of your stomach into a bowl or improvised side of the road based on immediacy.

"You'll be able to resist temptation because you won't be able to keep anything down. Weight you didn't know you had will start working its way out of every pore of your skin as you sweat to a new, healthier you. And while you're losing that extra weight your abs will become involuntarily shredded as you flex them whilst uncontrollably vomiting. Just a side benefit of our

"But it doesn't stop there! Tired of the struggle against dingleberries? Worry not! As the agressive vomiting starts to subside, it will be replaced by agressive diarrhea! More pounds shredded and with the sheer velocity of the liquid being expelled from your body, you won't need to waste time sitting when you use the bathroom! Active defecation for an active lifestyle!

STILL cuter than any image from my actual day. Yet I'm somehow still married....as of this post anyway. Source

"Why wait, lose weight NOW with the magic of food poisoning!"

I await my Pulitzer.