What to Get the Zoophilic Who Has Everything

Warning: Below are some dark themes. Nothing written here is true, and no animals were harmed in the making of this...I had a representative from the Animal Liberation Front (yes, ALF) watching over my shoulder with a knife to my throat the entire time. But be warned, it's going to get weird and deals with disturbing things (which I would hope you have come to expect here, but if you're new, welcome!).

The neon lights mean it's time to put the kids to bed, take your computer under the sheets, because it's time for Pickleope After Dark...but you just read that so it was pointless for me to repeat it. 

My ex-fourth cousin's dad on my father's side (he was married to my third cousin's cousin's step-sister's mom) is having his 50th birthday, and I want to do something special for him. He helped me get my last car, which needed a transmission after two weeks, but it was a nice gesture. I was a latchkey kid in elementary school, and he often invited me and my friends over to his house to supervise us sliding on his Slip-n-Slide, which he was considerate enough to grease with baby oil. AND he was nice enough to remind us to spare our clothes and be comfortable in our own bodies whilst sliding. When I was a teenager, he offered to take our frail, aged pug and leave us with the puppies. And when our poor pug died later that week under mysterious internal injuries, he almost didn't accept one of the puppies as a thank you.

This was a commissioned portrait, but the image of the actual pug made me cry so it was replaced by that mini dog thing. Image Source

He's about to turn 50, a milestone birthday, but if that weren't enough, he just got released from prison a week ago. So for all the good he has done for me, I really want to make this birthday special. But I need some help because I'm conflicted.

"The Sullen Coypu of Destiny" by Ed Clews 

About ten years ago he was arrested on trumped up charges of fornicating with a coypu he found in his neighbor's yard...at night...chained to a tree...with a feeding bowl and nutria house next to it.
But the coypu (named Mr. Marzapan) and he were in love. It was consensual.

Well, I want to ease his transition back into the world. I want to make sure he comes back into the world to remember the spark that made life worth living.
Which do you think is better:

Take him to the zoo because you can't spell "zoophilia" without "zoo"?
OR
Take him to a rodeo where "bronco busting" is just an anagram for "Bob crusting on" or "scrubbing onto."
OR
Should I just let him watch the Puppy Bowl I taped for him yesterday? (I say "taped" because new technology scares him so I recorded it using a vintage VCR.) 

For a zoophile, the zoo is like a strip club in Utah: you can see all that tantalizing booty but you have to keep your distance and no booze served on the premises. (Hey, Association of Zoos and Aquariums, you need an expert at marketing? Look no further.)

Then there's the rodeo which is like watching a live porn show for someone into bestiality. All them mens riding bareback on them big strong aminanimanals, all sinewy and gettin' roped and bucked. It's what I imagine it's like for pervy businessmen who take trips to the seedier parts of Thailand. I shudder to think of what would happen when the kids participate in the calf scramble.

Makes it weird when put into this context, no? Source

Probably the safest thing to do is to show him the Puppy Bowl recording and allow him the use of a private, plastic canvassed room. Or maybe I'll put that on and invite over all the furries I know. It's not quite the same, but it should be a good substitute. 

Welcome home Ex-Cousin Uncle Creepy Darryl...Wait a second, I think I just realized why they called him "Creepy Darryl." 

Postscript to this intensely creepy exercise in distorting perceptions: Not even I, the person who allowed my brain to delve into such a messed up topic, could muster the courage to do an image search of "bestiality" or "zoophilia." Good luck and godspeed to any of you who are, and please don't send me the results.