Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Office Volunteers

Image appropriated from a site that would be appalled
that it found its way here. Link
Every company, no matter how big or small, asks its employees to volunteer for something or another. Often times, if it's a big company, they make volunteerism compulsory, a fun contradiction created so that the company's annual report looks better. "Our employees volunteered over 30,000 hours to the community, aren't we great by extension?" (Incidentally, that's the same reason supermarkets ask you to donate a dollar to some cause, so that they can then make the direct donation and take credit in their report for donating X amount to X cause without having to donate a dime themselves. And bonus, they get to write off the money you donated on their taxes. Not that I'm jaded or anything.)

What these companies fail to take into account is that their employees are donating hundreds of hours each week just around the office. Here are just a few of the volunteer positions available in every office:

Refrigerator Monitor
Requirements: Constant complaining about how long people leave things in the refrigerator as well as unrealistic expectations about the sanctity of the expensive organic creamer he/she has "clearly written [his/her] name on." This position requires an acute sense of self-satisfaction after throwing away people's food, a penchant for passive aggressive note writing, and an almost biblical need to label things.

Image Source Oh, wait, the actual source is The Simpsons show
After-Hours Event Organizer
Requirements: High tolerance to alcohol coupled with a deep seeded fear of being with one's own family. This position requires an almost pathological need to get drunk with coworkers and be devoid of any fear of a DUI or saying horses-ass-like things in front of those you have to see five days per week. Position also requires overtime the next day to say, "Dude, what happened," when people commit then don't show up.

Lunch Hour Event Organizer
Requirements: A love of baking that supersedes the love of ones own family along with a devil-may-care attitude toward calories. This position requires the creation and maintenance of "sign-up sheets," disdain of people who sign up for "soda," and an antagonistic sense of duty to establish one's self as the best cook in the office.

Coffee Jesus
Requirements: Martyr one's self over the cause of making coffee. Does the indifference of coworkers toward maintaining a steady supply of caffeine drive you to gossip about them behind their back? Do you feel the need to tout yourself as the sole giver of coffee? While doing so are you hoping to illicit the admiration and empathy of your coworkers as though you are indispensable regardless of job performance? This may be the position for you. Spend countless hours complaining and hoisting yourself up on a cross instead of worrying about job performance. 
Image Source
These are just a few of the on-the-job volunteer positions available to employees in almost every office. Secure yours today, before you have to volunteer at the icky old folks home or building houses for the gross poor. 

17 comments:

  1. Hahah these are fantastic! I work for an NPO, though, so we're on the receiving end of some of those mandatory volunteer requirements. We get calls like, "Hi, I'm from XYZ company. 500 of us want to come by on Saturday (when we're closed) from 1-4 and do a big project and leave a mess. YOU'RE WELCOME!"

    SIgh.

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    Replies
    1. I should add, some volunteers are super helpful and awesome. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch. But yeah.

      I'm the lunch coordinator at my job.

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  2. Coffee Jesus is a very important role. Where would the office be without the self-sacrificing provision of caffeine??

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  3. You forgot to mention the mandatory office volunteering. You know, the "Hey we're forming a committee and YOU MY FRIEND, surely YOU will help out...Right?" What they don't mention is the wink and nudge that implies you will help out or your next review will be unfavorable!

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  4. It sounds like a lot of people really want to avoid their families.

    Thank God I don't have one!

    You're right about the coffee, though. I can't believe how long it is possible for people to discuss the preparation of coffee.

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  5. It's been a long time since I worked in an office but seemingly things haven't changed. Esp. the Coffee Jesus.

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  6. Back in my banking days there was this one woman who volunteered herself for the role of “Lunchtime Time Checker”. Not only did she make sure to complain when people in her (which was also my) department were late getting back from lunch, she was always ready to seek you out in the staff kitchen and give you an earful if things got busy on the banking floor and you dared to not cut your lunch hour short to help out.

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    Replies
    1. Ugh, I am all too familiar with this special brand of tattletales.

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  7. These are fantastic. Coffee Jesus is my most favoritest.

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  8. Similar to Refrigerator Monitor, I am our office's self appointed voluntary food taster. Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that is aware of this.

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  9. Our fridge monitor has martyrdom issues.

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  10. The woman who sits next to me in our cubicle is a Refrigerator Monitor. That ain't an easy gig. The amount of hate she gets every time she cleans out the fridge because she threw away that seven week old half of a tomato. You'd think the owner planned on having it for lunch that day or something.

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  11. I hated the refrigerator monitor with a passion. That bitch always threw away my lunch, every time, without fail. And I'm not talking about the seven week old half a tomato Kellie's referring to. I'm talking about something I cooked the night before specifically for lunch. As the monitor always said, in a snooty tone, "I do a smell check." So I wasn't sure whether to be offended that she threw away my food or that apparently to her it smelled like rotten crap.

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  12. I am a fire warden does that qualify? I am the first one out of the burning building...safe yourselves

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  13. The coffee in our office tastes like ass so I don't care who makes it. We did just have a potluck yesterday for our monthly business meeting. I brought chips.

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  14. That fucking asshat of a fridge monitor threw out my frozen burrito. So now I throw out her lunch every time I'm having a bad day. Immediate pick me up!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  15. We could use a fridge monitor. Seriously, the posties fridge at times resembles a science experiement gone wrong.

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