|Image appropriated from a site that would be appalled|
that it found its way here. Link
What these companies fail to take into account is that their employees are donating hundreds of hours each week just around the office. Here are just a few of the volunteer positions available in every office:
Requirements: Constant complaining about how long people leave things in the refrigerator as well as unrealistic expectations about the sanctity of the expensive organic creamer he/she has "clearly written [his/her] name on." This position requires an acute sense of self-satisfaction after throwing away people's food, a penchant for passive aggressive note writing, and an almost biblical need to label things.
|Image Source Oh, wait, the actual source is The Simpsons show|
Requirements: High tolerance to alcohol coupled with a deep seeded fear of being with one's own family. This position requires an almost pathological need to get drunk with coworkers and be devoid of any fear of a DUI or saying horses-ass-like things in front of those you have to see five days per week. Position also requires overtime the next day to say, "Dude, what happened," when people commit then don't show up.
Lunch Hour Event Organizer
Requirements: A love of baking that supersedes the love of ones own family along with a devil-may-care attitude toward calories. This position requires the creation and maintenance of "sign-up sheets," disdain of people who sign up for "soda," and an antagonistic sense of duty to establish one's self as the best cook in the office.
Requirements: Martyr one's self over the cause of making coffee. Does the indifference of coworkers toward maintaining a steady supply of caffeine drive you to gossip about them behind their back? Do you feel the need to tout yourself as the sole giver of coffee? While doing so are you hoping to illicit the admiration and empathy of your coworkers as though you are indispensable regardless of job performance? This may be the position for you. Spend countless hours complaining and hoisting yourself up on a cross instead of worrying about job performance.