Office Volunteers

Image appropriated from a site that would be appalled
that it found its way here. Link

Every company, no matter how big or small, asks its employees to volunteer for something or another. Often times, if it's a big company, they make volunteerism compulsory, a fun contradiction created so that the company's annual report looks better. "Our employees volunteered over 30,000 hours to the community, aren't we great by extension?" (Incidentally, that's the same reason supermarkets ask you to donate a dollar to some cause, so that they can then make the direct donation and take credit in their report for donating X amount to X cause without having to donate a dime themselves. And bonus, they get to write off the money you donated on their taxes. Not that I'm jaded or anything.)

What these companies fail to take into account is that their employees are donating hundreds of hours each week just around the office. Here are just a few of the volunteer positions available in every office:

Refrigerator Monitor
Requirements: Constant complaining about how long people leave things in the refrigerator as well as unrealistic expectations about the sanctity of the expensive organic creamer he/she has "clearly written [his/her] name on." This position requires an acute sense of self-satisfaction after throwing away people's food, a penchant for passive aggressive note writing, and an almost biblical need to label things.

Image Source Oh, wait, the actual source is The Simpsons show

After-Hours Event Organizer
Requirements: High tolerance to alcohol coupled with a deep seeded fear of being with one's own family. This position requires an almost pathological need to get drunk with coworkers and be devoid of any fear of a DUI or saying horses-ass-like things in front of those you have to see five days per week. Position also requires overtime the next day to say, "Dude, what happened," when people commit then don't show up.

Lunch Hour Event Organizer
Requirements: A love of baking that supersedes the love of ones own family along with a devil-may-care attitude toward calories. This position requires the creation and maintenance of "sign-up sheets," disdain of people who sign up for "soda," and an antagonistic sense of duty to establish one's self as the best cook in the office.

Coffee Jesus
Requirements: Martyr one's self over the cause of making coffee. Does the indifference of coworkers toward maintaining a steady supply of caffeine drive you to gossip about them behind their back? Do you feel the need to tout yourself as the sole giver of coffee? While doing so are you hoping to illicit the admiration and empathy of your coworkers as though you are indispensable regardless of job performance? This may be the position for you. Spend countless hours complaining and hoisting yourself up on a cross instead of worrying about job performance. 

Image Source

These are just a few of the on-the-job volunteer positions available to employees in almost every office. Secure yours today, before you have to volunteer at the icky old folks home or building houses for the gross poor.