|This is what happens when we allow 5K's to run rampant|
(pun definitely intended)
Supplies of bananas and electrolytes are being depleted. The sale of inflatable start and finish lines are outpacing the supply. Facebook has reported massive and persistent outages due to a higher-than-ever deluge of cutesy pictures of toddlers participating in the junior version of these fun runs. Athletic shoe stores are being taxed beyond capacity, running low on supplies and being fined by the fire department for exceeding their maximum capacity when handing out numbers to the waves of participants.
Deaths are mounting as EMT workers are stretched thin, having been forced to forever man a post at the finish line like the soldiers stationed at the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea. Sure they probably won't be put to much use, but they're required to be there in case an elderly person goes astray and needs wrangling before he/she becomes a danger.
Stress and anger at an all time high due to what citizens report as "people walking and not being mindful of serious runners" and commuters call, "all these damn detours". The newspaper and online comic strip community is suffering as we are running desperately short on puns and alliteration thanks to the "wacky" names they give all of these runs.
Authorities are urging non-profits across the nation to dream up other methods of fundraising to stem the tidal wave of short-shorts, nipple pasties, and shoes with chips on them, flooding our cities. If you're the National Diabetes Foundation, think about selling chocolate bars to boost the number of people you serve.
Citizens are being urged to be philanthropic simply out of civic obligation, not for an excuse to show off their "zany" socks that sublimate an actual personality. Please, help us stem the tide of this growing threat by either remaining sedentary or running around your own neighborhood in packs of less than five.